I wrote this months ago, but it seems appropriate for today, as I continue to consider my options for dating and marriage...
When I wrote Pray While You’re Prey, one of the sections focused on knowing exactly what you are looking for in a potential suitor. A lot has changed since then, but the potential mate that I desire has not. We often hear that men are more visual and women are more emotional, but when people hear the traits I look for in a mate, they are sometimes critical of my list. I have even been called superficial. “But what if you miss out on your soul mate because of your list?” they ask. I truly appreciate the concern. Yet, it’s funny to me that when a man lists physical attributes he likes, no one bats an eye. Furthermore, this list is not random and most of it has nothing to do with physical attributes; it is a well-thought-out list from years of experience. When I was 20, I had a list; it had 50 items on it. With my ex-husband, I settled on two of those things. Notice that I said ex-husband. It wasn’t the two things I compromised on that broke us up, but if I had stuck firmly to the list, perhaps, I would not have dated or married him. I was very proud of myself when at 25, the list was pared down to seven things. I like alliteration, in case you can’t tell, so they are called my Seven S’s for my Suitors (Note that 7 is the number of spiritual perfection, just saying): 1. Saved 2. Sanctified 3. Smart 4. Secure 5. Stable 6. Supportive 7. Sexy So, the first two go together, and they are both necessary. A lot of people are saved and going to heaven. That is a good start, and for me, it is a necessity. You must be a Christian; not a spiritual person, but an "I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ" Christian. I have a real relationship with Christ, I go to church regularly, and I understand my role in stewardship, so I need to be with someone who, in addition to being saved, understands that we have to be set apart for God. Sanctification is a process. The person that I am is changed daily, sometimes hourly, with each interaction with God; He is making me more holy. Any soulmate of mine would need to understand that as we grow in Christ, we may change, but it will only be for the better. Number 3 is very important to me because I am intelligent; I am not bragging, I just am. I am not saying you have to be an astrophysicist, but it is nice to have someone with whom I can match wits. I also think that you have to be smart to be funny and I love a great sense of humor. Laughter is a huge part of my upbringing and I plan to raise my children in a world filled with laughter. I understand that intellect does not always come from education, so that is not what I mean. I know plenty of people who have professional degrees and are not the brightest bulbs in the box. And, I know some with no degree who are among the wisest people I know. However, I have had experiences where a person felt intimidated by my level of education and it often leads to the opposite of Number 4. Security is very important for both parties in a relationship. Being confident in yourself can thwart many relationship issues. Trust me, I have been the jealous girl; it is not cute. And though, it is kind of hot, when your man notices someone else noticing you; it is super creepy when the guy becomes overly possessive. This leads to Number 5, when I say stable, I mean in every way possible, but specifically, mentally, emotionally and financially. I have dealt with the other side of all of these and it is not pretty. I had to learn the hard way that I cannot fix someone who is broken mentally and emotionally. There is no amount of care or nurturing I can give that will save that person. He has to rely on God to mend his brokenness. And, when it comes to finances, I am by no means a gold digger, but I also wouldn’t mind not having to work and being able to focus on my dreams. The truth of the matter is that I, with God’s help am able to support myself financially, and I am accustomed to a certain lifestyle that I do not think I should have to abandon. Jesus said life MORE abundantly. So, as I told my aunt, I have the cake, so when I am in a relationship, I want the icing, whether that comes in a two-income household or in my husband providing for the family while I pursue my other goals and dreams, which leads to Number 6. I know that God has awesome assignments for all of His children. I love using my talents to worship Him. So, I desire a mate who understands my dreams and supports them. I come from literally the most supportive family on Earth. It is what I am used to and I cannot see myself giving that up for a relationship. I also am a very supportive person, sometimes to a fault, and I have been in relationships where support is not reciprocated; it leads to resentment and can destroy a relationship. Other than the first two, this list is not in an order or importance, I want it all. Number 7 is always the controversial one. First of all, take a deep breath and get over the fact that the church girl said the word “sexy.” It means different things to different people, but I am talking about looks. The only issue I have had with looks is that I admittedly have a “pretty boy” problem. Nonetheless, I know this about myself, so I have learned how not to let looks overshadow glaring red flags. That being said, I still believe that physical attraction is important. What I find attractive may not match others. I have no specifications on race, but in nearly every other category I have a type and one of my non-negotiables on looks is height because if you know me, you know that I am 70 inches tall. I get chastised for this requirement all the time, but it is my right to want to feel dainty and protected by my mate. Read that however you wish to read it. My list is not anyone else’s list. Even dating websites tell me I am too particular. But, that’s okay, you see, I know Someone who can do the impossible, so I feel pretty secure in having a list. And, I encourage people, especially women, to know what they want whether it is three things or seventy things; if you don’t stand for something, you just might fall for anything. So, am I being superficial or just super-specific? I would love to know your thoughts. Do you have a list? Share it if you feel comfortable doing so; I would love to start a dialogue on this on my Facebook page. Whatever you do, and whomever you love, make sure you love God first and He will take care of the rest. Ms. EV
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Growing up with siblings, it is inevitable that at some point, one or more siblings will have what one or more other siblings want. The items can be anything from toys to candy to clothes to money. Now, if you are the sibling who wants the commodity, you face the dreaded task of having to bargain with your sibling for said commodity. You know the drill, “I’ll do your chores for a week,” “I won’t bother you while you’re on the phone with your friends,” or “I won’t tell mom and dad that you were…when they thought you were…;” seems like it’s all about leverage with siblings. But, sometimes you have nothing with which to barter, and you are just hoping that your sibling will let you have or borrow whatever it is that you need. If you are the sibling with the hot commodity, you are in a fantastic situation. You can choose the payoff for the prized item. And, if there are multiple items from which to choose, you get to pick which one to let your sibling have or borrow.
So, in this scenario, if the sibling receiving the item would prefer to have a different item, but has no leverage, the phrase, “Beggars can’t be choosers,” is often used. What this means is that, because one is in a needy position, he or she should be content with whatever item is acquired. After all, he or she is the one in need with nothing to offer in return. How then does someone with nothing to offer have the audacity to make demands about a loan or a gift? Having been in this situation with family members, friends, and students, I understand what it is like to offer assistance to someone who is in need only to have them tell me that they want something more or different. So, I get why people use this phrase in certain contexts. However, this idiom should never be used toward or by someone who is waiting on God for a blessing. It occurs to me, as I expand my visibility in the dating world, that I have a very specific “someone” for whom I am waiting. If you pinned me down, I could make a list, but honestly, I just know if someone will be a good fit for my quirks. I actually am glad that I have a lot of idiosyncrasies. It narrows down the amount of people I have to wade through to get to the right one. I am beginning to think that there may actually only be one person who can fit the mold. And, that is fine by me because: a) I only need one person to fit the mold; and b) I will know that this person is sent by God because it is really difficult to be the person I desire to have in my life. I am 34 years old. I am divorced and I have no children and a ticking biological bomb (yes, I meant to say bomb and not clock). I would love to have someone with whom I could go to dinner or cuddle on the couch or go to karaoke or sporting events. But I am not a beggar, and therefore, I can be a chooser. I once was a beggar. I was a desperate girl who just wanted to be in a relationship, so I compromised. I compromised who I was, what I wanted in life, what I deserved and what I believed in on more than one occasion for the sake of not being alone. But, at this point in my life, I have been alone for so long, that it would just seem silly to start making compromises now. I hear this all the time, “I’m not saying lower your standards; I’m just saying be more open. You never know where love will come from.” Um, actually, I do know where love comes from; it comes from God. He is the same God that I talk to all day every day; the same God that knows me inside and out and know that I am weird--er, um unique. God knows exactly what I want and what I need. I don’t think I hear Him saying, “Girl, sending you a man that fulfills all of your desires is just too hard for Me. Can you ease up a bit?” Rather, I think God is saying, “I made you who you are and I know you. You will know who to choose because you will know that I sent him because he will be the perfect one for you.” My best friend says, “Every pot has its lid.” And, I cannot help but think of my parents, who have been together for thirty-nine years. They are so different from each other, but they understand each other’s quirks and they are each other’s best friend. They don’t try to change each other. Okay, well my dad tries to get my mom to try weird food, but he would never leave her because she is not like him and vice versa. I am not a beggar, and beloved of God, neither are you. So, wait for what you want. Being a chooser does not make you uppity, suddity, bourgeois, or ungrateful. It makes you a human being who knows what he or she wants and trusts God to deliver on His promises. Now, run and tell that! Ms. EV I was awakened from my nap by a rather boisterous thunder boom. I groggily sat up in my bed and looked out the window just in time to see a flash of lightning that didn’t look to far from my house. I jumped up and hurried out of the room to make sure that anything that wasn’t plugged into a surge protector was unplugged from the wall, especially my precious laptop that has been charging while I was recharging.
As I sat on my couch, I turned on the new to see the local weatherman, Captain Obvious, telling me there were severe thunderstorms. The lightning was striking what seemed to be inches from my condo and every single thunder clap shook my whole house. So, I did what any sensible thirty-four year-old would do, I called my mommy. She laughed at me and told me that she was eating dinner and it was just a thunderstorm. I played down how scared I actually was in the moment. There are a couple of trees near my window and I started thinking, “What if one of these trees crashes through my window?” It was just me and my cat, Joy Bella, huddled on the couch waiting for the storm to pass. Then, the power went out. It went out in such a way that I was sure lightning had struck my electronics despite the surge protector, so I called my mom again. She assured me that the power would come on again very soon. When I hung up, I had a moment. All I could think was, “This would be a good time to have someone here with me to comfort me.” I mean, I couldn’t leave the house because the weather was so bad. Then, the storm brought cold weather and thoughts of how nice it would be to snuggle up with someone I love. That same thunder and lightning that were scaring the mess out of me would have been romantic in a different circumstance. And, there I was again thinking, “Lord, why don’t you want me to have someone special in my life?” A little while later, I picked up my guitar and started playing some new songs I had written. I soon forgot the lonely feelings. Then, during my quiet time, I read Romans 9 and the last verse really touched my heart, Romans 9:33 (The Message), “If you’re looking for me, you’ll find me on the way, not in the way.” It was as if God was saying, “My Love, I know you are seeking me and I know that sometimes you feel lonely. But I’m here. And, as long as you look for Me, you will find Me. I am not standing in the way of you being in a relationship. I just want you to enjoy our relationship. Enjoy the moments when it is just you and Me. Everything will work out in the best way possible because I love you.” He is not IN the way, but I can find Him ON the way in every moment that I feel scared and alone, or joyful and excited. He is always there, and if you look for Him, you will find Him; not in the way as a stumbling block, but on the way as everything you need. Ms. EV Every once in a while God speaks to me through one of my students. I was teaching a lesson about breaking down arguments. First, you identify the claims. Then, you figure out what the conclusion is and what the premise or premises are that support said conclusion. In order to figure out how those premises work together to reach the conclusion, you have to determine if they are linked (dependent) or independent. I hope I haven’t lost any of you yet.
Anyway, I gave the students an example for practice. They needed to figure out the relationship between the premises; whether they were dependent or independent. When I revealed that they were independent, a voice rang out, “No, they are not; they have to go together!” I resisted the urge to remind the student that I am the teacher, I had the answer key, and I had done this same question three times, so I knew what I was giving the correct answer. Instead, I explained that, while the statements made a stronger argument together, each statement could stand on its own and make sense with the conclusion. Just then, a young lady said, “I get it. It’s like men and women. We don’t NEED each other, but when two get together sometimes they are stronger.” This is what I call a “light bulb moment.” God allowed a fifteen year old to make the issue of earthly relationships so plain to me. And, this doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships. Any child of God who is living wholly and fully in God, can stand alone and make sense. However, he or she can stand with another believer, whether it is a husband, family member, friend or fellow worshipper, and become even stronger. So, while we may feel that we have to be together because together we feel stronger, wiser and better, we are able to stand alone and still make sense. On the other hand, one cannot take God out of the equation. When we are not linked to God, not only do we not make sense, but nothing makes sense. Think about a time in your life when you felt that you were not connected to God. Did anything make sense? If it did, I would challenge you to examine your relationship with Christ. I know that in my life, in some dark times, things did not make sense because I had moved away from the One to whom I should have been linked. And, other times seem like dark times because I am want so desperately to be linked to someone else, when I am perfectly capable of standing alone with God. It is clear that now is not the time that God desires for me to have certain connections. He wants me all to Himself, and that is perfectly fine because, as long as I stay dependent on Him alone, everything will start to make more sense. I am sure my student has no idea the impact her words had on my present situation, but I thank God for her and for wisdom and understanding. Ms. EV When I was writing Pray While You’re Prey, I was at a very peaceful place in my life. I was living within God’s will for my life, trusting Him and obeying His commands for my life and my testimony. Vulnerabilities and intimate details of my life, that would normally be sacred, became my stepping stone to reach out to others. God helped me use my idiosyncrasies and indiscretions to try to help others avoid the pitfalls that I had experienced in my life. Naturally, because I read the Bible, I felt that because I was delighting myself in the Lord, that He would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). …How could my desires and God’s plan for my life be so different?
I have not heard an audible reason as to why I’m still single and why I’m not a best-selling author and internationally sought-after speaker, but if I had to put what the Spirit is revealing to me into words, it would go something like this: “Your wish is not God’s command, Ms. EV. Guess what? He doesn’t answer every prayer with ‘yes.’ Sometimes He says ‘wait,’ and sometimes, He says ‘no.’ You cannot expect God to bless you with His unlimited power when you are still limiting Him to your ‘wishes’ and not yielding to His will. God is not a superhero to swoop in and save the day after you have landed yourself in a mess. You cannot just send up your beacon of praise in times of trouble and expect Him to rearrange your circumstance to make you more comfortable. Quite frankly, dear, the bottom line is that God cannot begin to bless you beyond your imagination until you acknowledge that no matter what, God is enough for you.” His plan is to lead me into my best life. My plan was for Him to give me what I want because I thought that’s what I needed to do His will. Amazingly, God knows more about what I need than I do. He knows what is around every corner. He knows the best timing for every aspect of my life. Case in point, as a child I always wanted to play basketball, but I never made a team. I even got mad at God for denying me a dream. However, a few years ago, I found out that I was born with a condition in my knees, and had I played basketball during middle and high school, I would have had to have my knees replaced. God knew that and I didn’t, but He protected me, even while I was mad at Him. God also cannot reveal everything to me all at one time because it would blow my mind and I might not take the road He has prepared for me. For example, if I had known that I would become a teacher, I am not sure that I would have ever gone to law school. But law school gave me an invaluable skill set, which includes presentation, critical thinking and writing skills that make me a better teacher. Imagine what God can and will do when I accept where I am in life, and let God be God. One of my favorite sayings now is, “We plan and God laughs.” He can laugh because His Word says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) So what if I am single forever? Ms. EV Am I Going to be Single Forever, Part II
When I was writing Pray While You’re Prey, I was at a very peaceful place in my life. I was living within God’s will for my life, trusting Him and obeying His commands for my life and my testimony. Vulnerabilities and intimate details of my life, that would normally be sacred, became my stepping stone to reach out to others. God helped me use my idiosyncrasies and indiscretions to try to help others avoid the pitfalls that I had experienced in my life. Naturally, because I read the Bible, I felt that because I was delighting myself in the Lord, that He would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). …How could my desires and God’s plan for my life be so different? In recent years, God has been showing me through the actions of others toward me, exactly how I treat Him. God has allowed me to be used for my talents and abilities by people. And in my rants about how why anyone would be so inconsiderate, God quietly reveals to my spirit that I use Him and sometimes have the nerve to try to manipulate Him into giving me what I want. God has allowed me to be left out by people with whom I thought I had a close relationship. And while tears ran down my face at the audacity of people making me feel like I don’t belong or I am not good enough, God reveals that I choose to leave Him behind all the time. He has shown me how painful and destructive disobedience can be by allowing me to experience how much it hurts when people are disobedient to my wishes or hurtful towards me. If I cannot stand seeing the people I love being swallowed up by sin—with what seems to be no desire to change their situations—even in situations where the sin is not directed at me, I can only imagine how God feels when I, His daughter, His friend, am disobedient. And, to top it off, my sin is directed at Him. Every time I sin, I am saying, “God, your commands aren’t good enough to follow.” Every time I engage in behavior that is not pleasing to Him, I am saying, “God, you’re not my friend who is looking out for my best interests.” Every time I don’t stand up for God, I am exhibiting the same exact behavior that brings me to my knees, feeling sorry for myself. I cannot even begin to count how many times my sin has said to God, “I don’t need You.” Or, “I don’t trust that doing things Your way is the best way.” Or, “I don’t believe that You are who You say You are.” God has also allowed me to experience both unrequited love and loving people more than they love me. God has shown me in these situations that I often say and do whatever I have to gain His favor, but my heart is not in the right place. He has also shown me how it feels to Him when I don’t appreciate all that He has done for me. He has shown me how it feels when I don’t praise Him. He has shown me how it feels when He gives me His best and I don’t give my best in return. God has shown me how it feels when He is not enough for me. God wants me to desire Him, not His characteristics or His revelations, but just to desire Him for who He is. He has the same desire for His relationship with me that I have in my relationships with other people. When I love people, I want the person that I am to be enough. I love God, but I don’t always show Him that His person, not just His personality, is enough for me. So, it leaves me to ponder if I would be willing to reveal my innermost thoughts and plans to someone if I felt that they had no interest in me, but were just using me for what I could do for them. Would I be willing to give my best to someone who is only giving me just enough to keep me hanging on, but is not fully committed to me? I would and have turned away from people who have done that to me, but God is too gracious and too merciful to give up or turn His back on me. He simply continues to pursue my heart and wait for me to come to my senses. (Revelation 3:20) He also helps me deal with the consequences that I have brought upon myself through my actions. Ms. EV The next three posts will be excerpts from a project that I have been working on, “Am I Going to be Single Forever?”
When I was writing Pray While You’re Prey, I was at a very peaceful place in my life. I was living within God’s will for my life, trusting Him and obeying His commands for my life and my testimony. Vulnerabilities and intimate details of my life, that would normally be sacred, became my stepping stone to reach out to others. God helped me use my idiosyncrasies and indiscretions to try to help others avoid the pitfalls that I had experienced in my life. Naturally, because I read the Bible, I felt that because I was delighting myself in the Lord, that He would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). My desires was that I would finish the book, it would sell like hotcakes, I would become a best-selling author, internationally sought-after speaker, and that would lead to my husband being able to find me, pursue me and in the overly-quoted words of Beyonce, “put a ring on it,” and then, I would never have to write another book about being single. Apparently, God had different plans because it’s been seven and a half years since I sold my first book. I have four boxes of them sitting in my garage. I was invited to speak at one church. I put on a workshop at my church for young women that had four participants. And, I have been on one date in that time period. How could my desires and God’s plan for my life be so different? I have been “in the church” all of my life because God blessed me with parents who love Him, but it is only in the last nine years that I have truly begun to understand the importance of a deep and intimate relationship with the Holy Trinity. I was saved as a young child, but in reflection, I know that I did see God through a child’s eyes for a very long time. I saw God as a protector and provider. I kind of saw God as someone who would pop into my life to save me from trouble and bless me with whatever I wished. To me, God was like some sort of superhero-genie hybrid. I get in trouble and I call on Him. I need a blessing and I call on Him. That is not the relationship that God desires to have with us. He can be all of those things: protector, provider—and everything else we sing about…you know mother to the motherless, father to the fatherless, friend to the friendless, a doctor in the sickroom, a lawyer in the courtroom, my joy in sorrow and hope for tomorrow. He is all of those things, but why? Compared to the awesomeness of God we are dust, so why would He give us a second thought? Why does God love me? Psalm 8:4 puts it perfectly, “What is man that you are mindful of him and the son (or daughter) of man that you visit him?” What I have discovered in recent years is that God created me to love Him, to put Him first in my life, and to engage in service that will bring Him glory. He does not want me to put Him first in my life until some other person, place or thing becomes more important. He wants my full attention all of the time because when He has my full attention all of the time, He can use me in ways that I would have never imagined to bring Him glory. Ms. EV How will the introverted girl who does not enjoy talking to strangers ever meet someone? That is the million dollar question! Let’s get something straight: I am not a hermit. I have a social life, not a super active one, but I do not stay in my house waiting for someone to come, knock on my door and sweep me off my feet. I give many men the opportunity to find me. I go to work (not that I would date anyone there), church, sporting events (cannot wait for football season to start), I play trivia on occasion, and I take myself out to dinner. Nonetheless, I have been encouraged by others to step out of my comfort zone, so to that end, with a little shot of courage and a Living Social deal, I decided to try speed dating. Boy, when I step out I step way out!
Why speed dating instead of online dating? I have heard some positive feedback about online dating, but I have heard more negative feedback, so it is not something with which I am comfortable, but to each his or her own. Not to mention, every time I fill out one of those surveys on matching sites, it tells me I am too specific. Sorry if I know what I want; I have had plenty of alone time to figure it out. Also, like many of my male counterparts, I am a visual person and if a person is sitting in front of me, there is no mystery as to whether or not they are embellishing the truth about their outer appearance. I know it sounds superficial, but I am a human being and one of the many things I desire in a mate is that I am physically attracted to him. I also liked the idea of speed dating because it’s only six minutes per person, and then, if you don’t want to, you never have to speak to that person again. You also get to meet several people all in one setting instead of meeting one person at a time. So, I arrived with no expectations and a sick feeling in the pit of my belly. The first bell rang, we were given our instructions, and then I met thirteen different men. And, when I say different, they were very different. I knew that only about half of them had a remote chance because that is how many appeared to be taller than me. However, the others were helpful in allowing me the opportunity learn how to talk to strangers, show off my sense of humor, and learn how to be cordial even when I want to run. Of the ones that met the height requirement, one was too old, three were not attractive for various reasons (i.e. not wanting kids, smoking, recently divorced and noncommittal), and that left three. I had great conversations with all three, which was a good start. As the process ended, I tried to reflect on what I learned. First, I learned that I cannot be anyone other than who I am and there is nothing wrong with that. Next, I learned that even as the years go by, there are some things on which I am not willing to compromise and there is nothing wrong with that (see Superficial or Super Specific). I also learned that even though I took the initiative to attend the event, I still want to be pursued, so if someone wants to really get to know me, he will have to make the first move. Most importantly, I learned that I have to trust that God is not going to keep anything that is good for me from me. It would be nice to write that I had this adventure and I met the man of my dreams, and we are experiencing this beautiful romantic courtship that I am sure will lead to marital bliss and a family of my own. But, the fact that I cannot say that does not mean that this was not a successful venture. I sat in a room full of strangers and had conversations; a few of them were uncomfortable, but most of them were fun. That is a victory for me. I did not have my security blanket people to help me (although my BFF was available by text in case of emergency), and I did not break out into hives or start hyperventilating. That was a success. I have no idea how or when I will meet my future husband, but I am so glad that I already know my Present Help (Psalm 46:1). With each day, we grow closer and I am confident that no matter what happens in my love life, I already have the Love of my life. Ms. EV I should be well aware by now that as soon as things start moving in a positive direction, the darts will start being hurled my way. Sometimes it is hard to tell if the negative thoughts originate from my own insecurities or if they are merely a manifestation of the cowardice of an enemy who knows he has no standing. Whatever the source, I still have difficulty dealing with feeling lonely from time to time. So, I am writing this as an encouragement to myself in hopes that it will lift up someone else as well.
One thing I know for sure is that I am not alone. I am assured of that fact by God’s Word. Nonetheless, it would be nice to have someone to whom or with whom I could come home. Most of the time when I think this, it is because I have had a rough day and need a little sympathy. But, even in the good times, well, especially in the good times, it would be nice to have someone with whom I could celebrate. I am not in any way diminishing the comfort and peace that God gives me or the spiritual pats on the back that I can feel from within my soul. However, God Himself said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” And, I am pretty sure He meant that for women, too. I just have to thank God because this is no longer a daily struggle (Oh, who am I kidding…an hourly struggle). There are a limited number of times when I feel sucker-punched by the lonelies. There are even less times when it results in tears. So, as much as I am sure my old nemesis wants me to have a full on Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam “All Cried Out” moment, I know that I just need to go to my Daddy and sit at His feet and let Him console me. No one will ever fill the empty spaces of my life like He can. And, when the time is right, He will send me someone to come home to. Ms. EV When I wrote Pray While You’re Prey, one of the sections focused on knowing exactly what you are looking for in a potential suitor. A lot has changed since then, but the potential mate that I desire has not. We often hear that men are more visual and women are more emotional, but when people hear the traits I look for in a mate, they are sometimes critical of my list. I have even been called superficial. “But what if you miss out on your soul mate because of your list?” they ask. I truly appreciate the concern. Yet, it’s funny to me that when a man lists physical attributes he likes, no one bats an eye. Furthermore, this list is not random and most of it has nothing to do with physical attributes; it is a well-thought-out list from years of experience.
When I was 20, I had a list; it had 50 items on it. With my ex-husband, I settled on two of those things. Notice that I said ex-husband. It wasn’t the two things I compromised on that broke us up, but if I had stuck firmly to the list, perhaps, I would not have dated or married him. I was very proud of myself when at 25, the list was pared down to seven things. I like alliteration, in case you can’t tell, so they are called my Seven S’s for my Suitors (Note that 7 is the number of spiritual perfection, just saying): 1. Saved 2. Sanctified 3. Smart 4. Secure 5. Stable 6. Supportive 7. Sexy So, the first two go together, and they are both necessary. A lot of people are saved and going to heaven. That is a good start, and for me, it is a necessity. You must be a Christian; not a spiritual person, but an "I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ" Christian. I have a real relationship with Christ, I go to church regularly, and I understand my role in stewardship, so I need to be with someone who, in addition to being saved, understands that we have to be set apart for God. Sanctification is a process. The person that I am is changed daily, sometimes hourly, with each interaction with God; He is making me more holy. Any soulmate of mine would need to understand that as we grow in Christ, we may change, but it will only be for the better. Number 3 is very important to me because I am intelligent; I am not bragging, I just am. I am not saying you have to be an astrophysicist, but it is nice to have someone with whom I can match wits. I also think that you have to be smart to be funny and I love a great sense of humor. Laughter is a huge part of my upbringing and I plan to raise my children in a world filled with laughter. I understand that intellect does not always come from education, so that is not what I mean. I know plenty of people who have professional degrees and are not the brightest bulbs in the box. And, I know some with no degree who are among the wisest people I know. However, I have had experiences where a person felt intimidated by my level of education and it often leads to the opposite of Number 4. Security is very important for both parties in a relationship. Being confident in yourself can thwart many relationship issues. Trust me, I have been the jealous girl; it is not cute. And though, it is kind of hot, when your man notices someone else noticing you; it is super creepy when the guy becomes overly possessive. This leads to Number 5, when I say stable, I mean in every way possible, but specifically, mentally, emotionally and financially. I have dealt with the other side of all of these and it is not pretty. I had to learn the hard way that I cannot fix someone who is broken mentally and emotionally. There is no amount of care or nurturing I can give that will save that person. He has to rely on God to mend his brokenness. And, when it comes to finances, I am by no means a gold digger, but I also wouldn’t mind not having to work and being able to focus on my dreams. The truth of the matter is that I, with God’s help am able to support myself financially, and I am accustomed to a certain lifestyle that I do not think I should have to abandon. Jesus said life MORE abundantly. So, as I told my aunt, I have the cake, so when I am in a relationship, I want the icing, whether that comes in a two-income household or in my husband providing for the family while I pursue my other goals and dreams, which leads to Number 6. I know that God has awesome assignments for all of His children. I love using my talents to worship Him. So, I desire a mate who understands my dreams and supports them. I come from literally the most supportive family on Earth. It is what I am used to and I cannot see myself giving that up for a relationship. I also am a very supportive person, sometimes to a fault, and I have been in relationships where support is not reciprocated; it leads to resentment and can destroy a relationship. Other than the first two, this list is not in an order or importance, I want it all. Number 7 is always the controversial one. First of all, take a deep breath and get over the fact that the church girl said the word “sexy.” It means different things to different people, but I am talking about looks. The only issue I have had with looks is that I admittedly have a “pretty boy” problem. Nonetheless, I know this about myself, so I have learned how not to let looks overshadow glaring red flags. That being said, I still believe that physical attraction is important. What I find attractive may not match others. I have no specifications on race, but in nearly every other category I have a type and one of my non-negotiables on looks is height because if you know me, you know that I am 70 inches tall. I get chastised for this requirement all the time, but it is my right to want to feel dainty and protected by my mate. Read that however you wish to read it. My list is not anyone else’s list. Even dating websites tell me I am too particular. But, that’s okay, you see, I know Someone who can do the impossible, so I feel pretty secure in having a list. And, I encourage people, especially women, to know what they want whether it is three things or seventy things; if you don’t stand for something, you just might fall for anything. So, am I being superficial or just super-specific? I would love to know your thoughts. Do you have a list? Share it if you feel comfortable doing so; I would love to start a dialogue on this on my Facebook page. Whatever you do, and whomever you love, make sure you love God first and He will take care of the rest. Ms. EV |
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