For the month of September, the ministers at my church are focusing on love. So far, we have been taught about the love chapter, losing our first love, and loving our neighbors. It has been difficult to hear all of this preaching on love. I am in a place in my life where I know God loves me, I love God and I have a loving family, yet, I am struggling with loneliness. In the past, I have had moments where I felt lonely, but I quickly got over it. I would have a bad day or couples of days, shed some tears, say some prayers and bounce right back. But, not this time; this time the empty, dark, abandoned feelings just will not seem to go away. Every time I feel like I am past it and I have made it to the other side of this terrible place, I get knocked back down. I am fine when I am distracted by my responsibilities, but then, before I know it, I am sucked back into this very pitiful and lonely place.
Even when I am surrounded by people, I can still feel neglected. Because, when the day is over, or the event is over, and the dust settles, I walk to my car alone, drive to my house alone, and sit in my house…alone (with my very spoiled cat, of course). I just want to experience having a relationship again. I know I am supposed to be content with what I have. I know that God knows what is best for me. I know that God has a plan. The fact that I know all of this is why I feel even worse about feeling this way. I have to question whether I have done something wrong, or I am not spending enough time alone with God, or if this is just one of those trials that is preparing me to move forward. In the past, I would usually have some other great triumph in some other phase of my life that I could look to and be grateful for that made it feel a little bit better that I have to be alone in this time period. But, lately, I seem to be at a standstill in almost every area of my life. Usually, this would be the part where I would say, “but then…” and provide some update to how things have changed dramatically and I wish I could, but there is no big update. I have taken in the sermons about love and I have asked God to reveal to me what I need to know concerning the preached Word. I have learned that the love that I show is not perfect; it is a work in progress and I have to learn to love in the way that God intended us to love. I have realized that my relationship with God is the most important relationship I could ever have because without His love, grace and mercy, I do not know how I would survive. I have ascertained that I need to allow God’s love to be the motivating force in my life. My situation has not changed, but God’s love has not changed either. He never said this life would be easy, but He did say that He would never leave me. And, I know that things could be much worse, so I will continue to praise and continue to love, and I will be sure to give Him the glory now and on the other side of this trial. Ms. EV
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My parents have a Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes Greatest Hits CD and there is a song on it called, “Yesterday I Had the Blues.” I have no idea what the lyrics are, but the song is sung in such a melancholy tone and the chorus just repeats, “Yesterday I had the blues…” in this deep, depressing manner. Well, that is literally how I felt yesterday. Not all day. It was actually not until I got ready to go to sleep. I was talking to God, as I always do (not just before bed, but throughout the day), and, all of a sudden, I was crying.
I was so deeply saddened by my loneliness in that moment that I stopped talking and started crying out to God. Why does loneliness have to hurt so bad? Am I ever going to have my own family? Will there ever be someone lying next to me to hold me at night? Will I ever get to feel the safety of someone’s arms wrapped around me? Will I ever get to say silly things that only my husband understands? How long is this going to last, Jesus? And then, I took a deep breath, dried my tears and said, “I don’t know when or where or why or how or even what, but I know Who.” I still don’t know the answers to any of those questions today. But, I know Who does. I know that it is the same One who promised that all things will work together for my good. I know He has a plan for me. I know He will never leave me or forsake me. I know He will never put more on my than I can bear. I had to get up earlier this morning than usual and when I felt myself getting upset, I thought today would be a bad day. It wasn’t. It was actually a pretty darn good day considering I got little sleep and I am not a morning person. One of my friends even commented that I was smiling so early in the day and that it was scaring him. That’s what God’s peace does. It helps you say, “Yesterday, I had the blues…but today is a new day that God has made and I am rejoicing in it.” Ms. EV |
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