Around this time last year, I was doing a lot of self-reflection. I felt like my life was just going around in circles. It was boring, too routine. I thought I needed a challenge, something to shake things up. I was stuck in a rut. Well, as I discussed last Wednesday, in Jesus Will Work It Out, I took on the challenge of a new class believing that it would breathe new life into my passion for teaching. However, just like with law school, I found out very early on that this new class was not something that I wanted to do long-term. This leaves me stuck in a conundrum because a friend fought for me to get to teach the class, so I do not want to disappoint my friend, but I also do not want to continue to teach a class that makes me miserable. Please do not misunderstand me, though. No matter what teaching assignment I have whether I love it or hate it, I teach to the best of my abilities because the Bible says to do everything as unto the Lord. So, it’s not just about my preferences or enriching students lives, it is also about doing my best for God. So, here I am stuck in a conundrum and still stuck in a rut, but yesterday, I had an epiphany.
Since the beginning of this year, I have gotten back to focusing on music. I started learning to play the guitar. I started writing new songs and putting music to old songs. It has been truly fulfilling. Last night, I went to an amazing church service. The Word and the worship were so on point. In the middle of worship, as tears streamed down my face and the music pierced my soul, I wrote in my notes, “Lord, this is what I want to do.” I do not desire for people to praise me, but I want to write music that helps people tap into the power of praising God. I want to help people reach the full potential of true worship; worshipping in Spirit and truth. I can quit my job, take a new job, switch classes, but none of that will make me feel any better. The true reason for my rut was that I had abandoned what God had placed on my heart a long time ago. My pastor always says if you can’t find your passion, think of what makes you cry. That is where your passion lies. Nothing makes tears flow from my eyes like powerful music; music that makes you reflect on how good God is, music that makes you remember His grace and mercy, music that helps you realize how much He loves you. That is what was missing. I am passionate about shaping young lives in education, but my real passion is making music: singing, writing, and now playing. My rut was never going to end as long as I kept tweaking surface issues in my life. Now, I have been reintroduced to my passion and reinvigorated towards my passion. Pursuing the gift that God has given me is what will make everyday of living my life enjoyable. A new song or a new melody can change the whole tenor of my day. So, if you are like I was and you are bored because your life has become routine, do not randomly change things about your job, your relationships, or your church. Discover or rediscover your passion. Pursue it in a way that you have never pursued it before. I am sure we have all heard that you can’t get what you’ve never gotten by doing what you’ve always done. Change the things that matter. When you use the tools and gifts that God gives you, it can enhance every part of your life. You do not have to be stuck in a rut. Ms. EV
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I am beginning to feel that I am being too nice. I have been a people-pleaser. I have even been a doormat. I have purposely tried to find balance between being those things and being intolerably mean because for a lot of my life I did not see that there could be a middle ground. But, apparently lately I am erring too much on the side of nice because people are feeling as though they can say and do anything around me, which is not true. As a teacher especially, it is tricky to find a balance. Please don’t misunderstand me. Not being liked by students does not bother me at all. They are teenagers and they change their minds about who and what they like as often as they change their clothes. I do have a problem when I feel disrespected.
In my professional and personal life, I try to make other peoples’ lives easier. If I have knowledge to impart or experience to share, I am willing to give of myself. Sometimes I have done this to the point of being an enabler. I also do not believe in making things difficult for no reason; however, there are some lessons that need to be learned by the person and I cannot let them have the easy way out, but other times, I choose my battles. Recently, today in fact, I have seen that the reaction by several of my students to my kindness is to mistake it for weakness. Because they are grasping for boundaries, they try to see how much they can get away with before they have a consequence. The cute part is when they act surprised when there is a consequence. I have also seen in some of my friends that because I do not cram my beliefs down their throats, they feel that they can say anything in front of me. Jesus was meek, but He also braided a whip and flipped tables in the Temple. I do not enjoy getting angry, but I do. In fact, my usual immediate response following anger is to cry because I got angry and it saddens me. Nonetheless, anytime someone demonstrated to me that they believe me to be weak or inept, it results in me getting angry. Is it okay to be a Christian and be mad? I think so. It is how we handle our anger that is important. Humility and meekness are difficult traits to learn and they are made even more difficult when people feel that they can step all over you. I feel that this is one of the subtle sufferings of Christians. It is something that doesn’t seem like it would be innately difficult, but it truly is difficult. The good news is that I know it is not impossible. I am going to pray for God’s guidance in how to remain meek and gentle, while still showing that I deserve and require respect. I know that meek does not equal weak, docile does not equal doormat. I just need to know how to help others realize the same thing. I would love to hear your thoughts. Ms. EV One year ago today, I lost one of the most precious gifts God ever gave me, my Grandmama Dorothine. The hardest part about it was that I got to the hospital too late to talk to her one last time and to say goodbye. For the rest of my life, I will never forget my mother’s phone call telling me that they were trying to take Grandmama to the rehabilitation facility and she took a turn for the worse. I started packing and I called my friends to help me stay calm so I could drive. I got my aunt to take care of my cat. I prayed and I listened to music all the way down I-10. My pastor called me and we talked and prayed. I just knew that when I got there, she would have a miracle recovery.
But, when I got there I rode up the elevator with my cousin who had arrived at the same time. He said, “It’s crazy…I was just talking to her and she was doing better.” I had spoken to her two days prior on Easter. And then, I meant to call her the next day, but she was supposed to be going to the rehab and I didn’t find out until late that night, too late to call, that they had changed her transport to Tuesday. So, I said, “I’ll call her when she gets settled in. I’ll wait for my mom to tell me she’s settled in and then I will talk to her.” My mom talked to her and my aunt. My grandmama was as feisty as usual, telling my aunt to leave my mom alone because it was her and my dad’s anniversary, but mom said she hadn’t gone to River Chase yet, so I didn’t call. Then, mom called, and told me to call my sister on three-way…I have used the words heartbroken before to describe a feeling that some guy had caused, but when I turned the corner of that hospital and I asked my aunt to go speak to my Grandmama and then, my uncle told me she didn’t make it. The world literally felt like it stopped spinning, everything echoed, and I physically felt my heart break. Why didn’t I call her the day before? Why did I wait so long to leave? Why didn’t I drive faster? I just wanted to say goodbye. When I saw her, it looked like she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful, which was comforting because I had seen her suffer for months. My grandmama has 16 grandchildren and scores of great grandchildren. I was so saddened that my children would never get to meet her. I wouldn’t get to hear them call her Grandmama. I don’t know what everyone else’s experience was with my Grandmama, but I know that she taught me love: kind love, patient love. She was my buddy. Every summer she would come to visit and I would help my mom take care of her. We would have the best three-word conversations ever; Grandmama was not a big talker. I love to watch her face light up and her foot start tapping when I sang. She loved all of her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren no matter what we did or said. Sometimes, I couldn’t understand the love she showed. But, she didn’t really judge people. She remembered all of our birthdays every year. Sometimes I would just sit and hold her hand to let her know I was there. It has been a year and it is still hard, but I know that absent from this world is present with the Lord. And now, she can see me and all of her other grandchildren because her eyes aren’t blind anymore. If I have children, she will be able to see them, too. Instead of just tapping her foot, she can get up and dance when I sing because her body is not ailing anymore. She can hear me loud and clear because her ears are cleared up. I didn’t get to say goodbye, but my last words to her were I love you and I will talk to you later. And, I will talk to her later and see her later. It hurts, but the pain is no longer unbearable. What I can say is that you should always make sure the people you love know that you love them. I know my Grandmama loves me and she knows I love her. That knowledge helps in the bad times. I miss you, Grandmama Dorothine. Ms. EV In loving memory of Dorothine Bates (December 25, 1935 - April 26, 2011) I got an e-mail last night form a supervisor about our testing schedule. It included when we would be proctoring and when testing would take place in our rooms and we would have to move. For anyone who is not a teacher or does not remember from high school, the end of the year can be very hectic. There are certain exams that have to be completed by certain times frames and the windows of opportunity to impart wisdom on our youth begin to quickly fade, especially for those of us who teach students who are trying to graduate because all of the deadlines for seniors are about two weeks earlier than everyone else. Anyway, I perused this spreadsheet for my name and I found my name way more than I expected to find it. I was being displaced 4 times and proctoring 3 times.
It’s time for a side story. So, last year I was teaching a really amazing course that I loved and one that I like, but could live without. Then I got the opportunity to teach another interesting course, and because I like challenges, I thought it would be great to have the class I love and an exciting, new course to learn and teach. Well, I found out that instead of replacing the course that I could live without with the new course, they decided to take away the course that I loved teaching. The one silver lining was that I would not have to proctor any tests at the end of the year. Fast forward to yesterday, when, much to my chagrin, I found out I was proctoring three. I hemmed and hawed. I shot off a very nice e-mail with a plea for help. Not because it was inconvenient or unexpected, but because it would interfere with the education of my students through the end of the semester. I got a response that I could find a better place to teach my classes, but not get out of proctoring, so that I could teach my classes. I was frustrated, but I decided that I would not lose sleep over it. I prayed about it and went to bed. I got to school and saw one of my friends and immediately began to complain. I caught myself and chastised myself. I saw another teacher and spoke about the situation, not complaining, but just asking if I was being irrational. As it turns out, I was not. But, I needed to let it go. By the time I got to my room after having that conversation, I had an e-mail informing me that I was only needed for proctoring on one day, and it is a day when my students are taking an exam, so they will not be in class. The problem was worked out. I wish that I had just prayed about it first, never got upset, and never complained. Nevertheless, when I saw my mishandling of the situation, I asked God to forgive me and work the situation out, not my way, but His way, which will always be whatever is best for me. This may not seem like a big deal, but I take my job pretty seriously, so to me it was. However, even in the small things, we can go the Lord and He will WORK IT OUT! Ms. EV I was challenged yet again by a Girlfriends in God devotional in my inbox today and here is my response. I hope that it can bless and encourage you about the storms in your life. Check out Girlfriends in God when you have a chance .
Challenge: Read 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Do not be surprised at the painful things you are now suffering. These things are testing your faith." (ICB) In your own words, describe the testing you are going through today in your life. How is it testing and strengthening your faith? Response: My main tests are being single and childless. I never thought that I would survive four years of singleness. But, I am approaching four years this June and I am thankful because God proved to me that, with Him, I can survive. I will be alright. I thought the depression of being alone might kill me when I was younger. It was that thought that twisted my mind into thinking that getting married very young was a good idea. If I took the opportunity then to get married, I wouldn’t have to ever be alone again. But, because I didn’t listen to God, I experienced an even more painful loneliness. I experienced feeling alone while in a relationship, a marriage. The heartache is even more brutal when you are alone and attached at the same time. Morally, it is wrong to seek comfort in another person while you are married, so you either have to continue to battle loneliness and become a young divorcee (which was the ultimate failure in my book at the time) or commit adultery. I did the latter. I am not proud of it and it led to even more pain because not only was I being rejected by my husband, the man who I sought for comfort also rejected me because he lost respect for me. How could either of them respect me when I didn’t even respect myself? All of this was the result of me not wanting to be alone. Nevertheless, praise God that I realized that I am never alone. The loneliness that made me cry to myself to sleep at times is the very thing that pushes me into the arms of the Master. When I was younger, I didn’t want children. As a child, I didn’t get along with other children, and I felt my time was better spent on achieving my goals. So, when I had a pregnancy scare at eighteen, I prayed, “God, I would rather not be pregnant now and never have children, than to be a teen mother.” Unmarried, teenage mothers were looked down upon. I was one of the people looking down upon them, and now, I was the one who might be in their shoes. At eighteen, it seemed like a harmless prayer because I didn’t want kids and I never thought that I would. When I got married, for the few months that we were happy, I could see myself having my husband’s babies and we weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we weren’t not trying either. I am grateful that I didn’t have his child and I know that there were a lot of prayers from people who loved me and saw what I could not see that help that to happen. I have had several health issues that are threats to my fertility and every year when I see the doctor, I get a little nudge that I might want to think about when I am going to start a family because I am running out time before I am high risk. But I am not even dating anyone, let alone married. And, I do not want children by myself. I want a family. I want a husband and then children, which is what I wanted when I was younger, but I went about it in all kinds of wrong ways. That subconscious prayer haunts me and tests me every time I start feeling my maternal instincts. Did God listen to that prayer or did He realize I was being ridiculous? I have asked for forgiveness and I have to believe that He has forgiven me for the sin and the request. So, now I wait on a husband on a child. Whether it happens or not, He is still God. He still knows what is best for me. I believe that my desire to love children has helped me grow into a better aunt and a patient teacher. And, should I have children, I have learned lessons from watching other parents for such a long time, that though I am sure I will still make mistakes, maybe they will be few. I have asked God to take the desires to be married and have children away from me several times. I say, “God, if it’s never going to happen, I am fine with that plan for my life, but please take the desires away.” They haven’t gone anywhere, so these trials are testing and strengthening my faith. I have to believe that God’s Word is true when it says that if I delight in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. The more time I am without a husband and children who may break my focus, the more time I can dedicate to God; the more I can learn to delight myself in Him constantly and consistently, so that my family will be an addition to my abundant life not a substitution for God’s presence in my life. Challenge: Read 2 Corinthians 6:6 (NLT) "We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, our sincere love, and the power of the Holy Spirit." This verse lists the qualities God wants to create in us through storms that come our way. Which ones are present in your life? Which ones is He trying to produce in you today? Are you willing to let Him do so? Response: The qualities that these storms have produces in my life are purity. I am not inclined to mess up on that again. I have made the mistake enough times to know that God does not bless disobedience. I have developed an understanding of who God is, how God loves and what God wants from His children. I very much feel the power of the Holy Spirit working in my life and being a Comforter and a Guide. I have grown more patient, but I can still grow in that area. I am a kind-hearted person, I have learned how to be softer and gentler, but I do still have a short fuse that contradicts with what is actually in my heart. I am willing to let God continue the work that He has started and I know that He will finish. His Word tells me so. I know that when He knows I am ready, He will move me forward to the next step in my life. Ms. EV In case you can’t tell, I love the music by the Hawkins family. One of my favorites is, “Never Alone.” So, my mom and dad are out of town on vacation this week, and I always have a little separation anxiety when they leave town, but it’s getting better. (Yes, I know I am 34 and yes, I know that’s not normal). Anyway, the song, “Never Alone,” has been on my heart today. I think that God is reminding me that even though, my parents are out of town, and they may not answer the phone when I call, He is always there. The song says, “Never alone, I don’t have to worry ‘cause I’m never alone. He walks beside me all the way. He guides my footsteps every day.”
That statement is so reassuring, and it’s in the Bible as well. He says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is with me in every moment of joy, sorrow, victory, defeat, happiness, hopelessness. No matter who in my life is unavailable, God is right by me. I don’t have to feel alone or insecure because He is there. I can’t see Him, but I know He’s there. And, on some occasions, when I am really down, I have asked Him to help me feel His Presence, and within mere moments, I either literally feel as though I am being embraced or I feel a peace that passes all understanding. It doesn’t make you crazy to talk to God when you have no one else to talk to; it is crazy to try to talk to everyone else before you talk to Him. If it makes you feel nuts to talk to Him out loud, write it down. Ask Him to hug you, to hold you, to help you know He is there. He will answer. Being single is not easy if it is not what you would choose for your life at the time. Lately, people have been mentioning things that lead me to believe I am making it look easy to be single and childless in your thirties. Praise God that it appears that way; it is still a daily battle, but I finally feel like I am beyond my hissy-fit stage of singleness in which I constantly whine about it. I have moved on to acceptance of God’s plan because God is still faithful in the hard aspects of life. He knows what’s best for my life. What makes it easy to get to this place of security is that I know I might get lonely, but I am never alone. So, I am choosing to trust Him. Never again will I be insecure anymore…Never again. He walks beside me all the way. He guides my footsteps every day. Ms. EV Okay, so I just made that title up, but I did write two new songs this week that I am very passionate about, so I will share one with you. it is called, Little Sister, and it is dedicated to all of the young women in my life, whether they are older or younger, family or friend...
The recorded version will be up on the music page very soon...Keep checking back... Little Sister © Copyright 2012 Toni L. Wortherly Little sister, dry your eyes He's not worth the tears you cry You are fearfully, wonderfully made You are beautiful in your own way Anyone who can't see God in you Isn't worth your time Anyone who loves the God that made you Won't want you to compromise Hang on in there When it seems life is passing you by Little sister Trust that when you can't figure it out God knows why Little sister There is a plan in place to take you to heights you can't even imagine But you gotta trust in Him Little sister Little sister, raise your head up Your life has only just begun Just keep praying and listening for The blessings that God has in store Learn to see the God in you Created with His purpose in mind Trust and know that God loves you Let Him rule and reign in your life Hang on in there When it seems life is passing you by Little sister Trust that when you can't figure it out God knows why Little sister There is a plan in place to take you to heights you can't even imagine But you gotta trust in Him Little sister Others may try to put you down They may laugh at your mistakes But God specializes in miracles So in Him you should place your faith Hang on in there When it seems life is passing you by Little sister Trust that when you can't figure it out God knows why Little sister There is a plan in place to take you to heights you can't even imagine But you gotta trust in Him Little sister Part of growing up is learning to rejoice in the successes in the lives of others and having empathy for the pain in the lives of others. The latter part of that can sometimes come more naturally than the former. If you have a heart, it is not very difficult to feel sorry for someone. It is natural to share in the pain, offer your shoulder, give words of comfort and just be there for that person. When we have compassion towards another person, it often gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling. We feel needed, useful, like we have a purpose.
Sharing in the joys is a little more difficult. It shouldn’t be, but we are human, and sometimes, we may genuinely feel excited for a friend’s good fortune, while, at the same time, we feel somehow slighted. She has so much and I want so little, so why does everything seem to go her way? She doesn’t even want more kids and she’s pregnant…She doesn’t even want a man in her life, but she has one pining for her…When will it be my turn? Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one who feels just a twinge of bitterness when these situations arise. But, I am a growing work in progress, so if this isn’t for you, then please just indulge me for minute while I step on my own toes. I once heard that the difference between bitter and better is the “I” involved. The reason that bitter feelings arise for me is because I am only concerned with me, myself and I. It is because I am being selfish and unappreciative. But, when I look at all of the things I have to be grateful for rather than the things for which I am longing, I become better. I just feel better. When I take the focus off of me (and that right there is a challenge), and place the focus on what God has for me and has done for me, bitterness cannot stay. I’m not saying that it makes you a bad person if you fall into a momentary period of bitterness; just don’t stay there. And, that includes proceeding to beat yourself up about feeling that way. Instead, do a little ABC exercise. Acknowledge that the appropriate response is to delight in what God does for others (1 Corinthians 12:26). Bounce your thoughts onto those things that are pure, true, holy, just, and noble (Philippians 4:8-9). Count your blessings, name them, write them down, and thank God for them (Psalm 100:4). Be better, not bitter. Ms. EV I just read a challenge to think of ten things that I am grateful for and I wanted to take it a step further and think of ten problems that can be turned into praises.
1. Problem: I don’t have a family of my own, no husband (or even boyfriend) and no children. Praise: Thank You, Lord for giving me the freedom to pursue anything I want to pursue in this world. Thank You for the support system that I do have. 2. Problem: I don’t know what I should do next in my life? Praise: Thank You, God for being so faithful to me that I know whatever step I need to take needs to be in obedience and submission to Your will. 3. Problem: I am bored with my job. Praise: Thank You, Lord that I have a job that provides me with stability and that you have given me the wisdom to become so adept at my job that I can now take on new challenges. 4. Problem: I get very lonely at times. Praise: Thank You, Father for promising never to leave me or forsake me and for being there at all times whenever I need to talk or I need comfort. 5. Problem: I really miss my loved ones who have passed away. Praise: Thank You, God for the reassurance that the believers are not dead, but are only asleep, and that you will call us all to meet you in the air at the appointed time. 6. Problem: I have a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes. Praise: Thank You, oh merciful Father for never giving up on me, even when I am living outside of Your will and thank You for the Holy Spirit who teaches me right from wrong and doesn’t allow me to walk through life oblivious to the harm I have done to myself and others. 7. Problem: I have a hard time forgiving those who have hurt me. Praise: Thank you, Lord that You are compassionate and forgiving, and that I am made in your image and have the power to forgive others and myself. Thank You for sending Your Son to feel a million times the pain that I have felt, so that I could be free from sin. 8. Problem: I am not as financially stable as I would like to be. Praise: Thank you, God that every month I meet every financial obligation that I have, and even have extra at times. Thank You for teaching me how to be a good steward over that with which You have blessed me. 9. Problem: I don’t know if I am living out my purpose. Praise: Thank You, Lord for giving me the purpose to praise and please You. Thank You for showing me favor each and every time I give you praise in spite of circumstances and obey Your commands. 10. Problem: I don’t like to have to do tedious household tasks on my own like taking out the garbage, fixing the toilet, maintaining my car. Praise: Thank you, God that I have the health, strength and financial means to carry out these tasks. Thank You for allowing me to learn new things, so that I don’t feel incompetent or incomplete. This is my list and you may be able to identify with some more than others, or even think of your own. Whatever you do, don’t forget to praise Him. In everything (even the tough stuff), give thanks for this is the will of Christ Jesus concerning you (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Ms. EV It truly breaks my heart to see or hear of people making the mistakes that I have made. It doesn’t matter if the person is younger or older than I am, I simply cannot stand to watch someone I care about trip over my old stumbling blocks. If I could, I would help everyone I know avoid the pitfalls of life wherein I have fallen. Sometimes you hear people say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” That statement is seen as hypocritical and it is because you cannot expect someone to stop certain behaviors that you are not willing to extinguish from your life. Nonetheless, I firmly believe in attempting to curb the errors of those we love by saying, “Do what I say, not what I have done.” The issue with feeling comfortable enough to say this is that you have to be willing to explain your past and unmask your inner blemishes.
Like many teenagers, I truly thought that my parents had never done anything wrong in their lives. I felt that they couldn’t possibly know about the tough moral choices I was facing or the peer pressure that I was under. My parents were perfect, smart and saved. Plus, they had been married all of their lives, so they definitely could not have dealt with relationship issues. It wasn’t until very recently that I found out that I was very wrong. Sometimes, in an effort to protect those we love, we feel that we should not expose them to any darkness in our past. However, by hiding our true selves, we are not protecting them. In fact, we make them uncomfortable and unwilling to communicate when they have a similar problem. If we cannot use our past experiences to try to help those we love, then our missteps are in vain. I heard someone say that if you learn from a mistake, it becomes experience, but if you don’t learn from a mistake, it becomes a failure. I have found that using the lessons I have learned about love and life to help others is essential to healing. It helps me forgive myself and others, and keep moving forward. Some people are afraid that they will share vulnerable information only to have their valuable advice rejected. Don’t be discouraged if someone doesn’t listen to your advice; we plant the seed and God does the watering. But, no one can ever learn from you if you hide behind an image of yourself that you want people to know. Peeling back your layers is not only a blessing to the person you are potentially helping, but it also serves as praise for the God who has carried you thus far. I know that there are certain mistakes that some people have to make for themselves before they learn to live differently; still, how would it feel to find out that you could have prevented a catastrophe in someone’s life by simply sharing your story? The only perfect human being was Christ, so we should stop pretending to be infallible and start using our victories to be instructional. Ms. EV |
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