For those who are not in the education profession, the amount of vacation time educators are afforded is incomprehensible. However, for those of us in the classrooms 180 days a year, we know that the breaks are a necessity for the sake of students and our sanity. Many people do different things with the eight weeks or so of summer break. For my first six summers, I always had something work or work-adjacent to do, like summer job, cheer camp, summer teaching training. As this summer approached though, I realized that I had nothing to do.

I had already participated in One Spark and gone to Nashville. I have spent wisely enough during the school year to not need to get an extra job to fill in the gap this summer. The program that I worked the last two years was canceled due to budget cuts. I had eight weeks with absolutely nothing to do. Well, I take that back, the first week was a family vacation/trip to take my oldest nephew to college, but other than that, I was staring down the barrel of weeks and weeks with no planned agenda.

The main thing the summer gives me is the opportunity to sleep in later in the morning than I can during the school year. And, the extra few hours of morning sleep was really the only thing about which I was excited. Spending seven or more weeks at home, with just my cat, my television, my guitar and my thoughts to keep me company was a really scary proposition. Furthermore, I just found it to be outright lazy to sit around all summer and not do anything.

I have come a long way from the young woman who could not be alone. Still, I have managed to be sure that my life is filled with activity and people I love, so that the times when I feel lonely are few and far between. So, I challenged myself to do little to nothing this summer. I challenged myself to relax, get rest, be free and, well, be lazy. Not lazy in the sense of slothfulness, but lazy in the sense of not tying myself to a bunch of commitments just for the sake of having something to do.

For the first couple of weeks, I started to sense that I would become one with my couch and be imprisoned by my thoughts (a very scary place to be at times). Then, I started dedicating more time to stillness and quietness. I started communing more with God instead of running to everyone else in my life with my every thought or idea. And, slowly, but surely, I started to feel comfortable with me. I am not a hermit (though, I thought that might be where this was going). I do leave the house. I go to church. I hang out with my family. Nonetheless, a beautiful thing has happened.

I became okay with just God and me. I did not feel as alone as I once feared I would in quietness and solitude. It is still a work in progress, but no longer do I feel obligated to stay busy to avoid the fact that I do not have the life I envisioned. Instead, I can rest in my Father and allow Him to show me His vision for my life. Make no mistake, there are some rough days, but I have survived being by myself with nothing to do. I have more than survived; I have thrived. I have learned to enjoy this place of solace. Now, it might make it hard to go back to work in a few weeks, or maybe, I just will not feel so pressured to stay busy for the sake of being busy. Time will tell, but for now, I am enjoying the time that God has given me. Ms. EV

In case you can’t tell, I love the music by the Hawkins family. One of my favorites is, “Never Alone.” So, my mom and dad were out of town on vacation last week, and I always have a little separation anxiety when they leave town, but it’s getting better. (Yes, I know I am 35 and yes, I know that’s not normal). Anyway, the song, “Never Alone,” has been on my heart today. I think that God is reminding me that even though, my parents go out of town, and they may not answer the phone when I call, He is always there. The song says, “Never alone, I don’t have to worry ‘cause I’m never alone. He walks beside me all the way. He guides my footsteps every day.”

That statement is so reassuring, and it’s in the Bible as well. He says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is with me in every moment of joy, sorrow, victory, defeat, happiness, hopelessness. No matter who in my life is unavailable, God is right by me. I don’t have to feel alone or insecure because He is there. I can’t see Him, but I know He’s there. And, on some occasions, when I am really down, I have asked Him to help me feel His Presence, and within mere moments, I either literally feel as though I am being embraced or I feel a peace that passes all understanding. It doesn’t make you crazy to talk to God when you have no one else to talk to; it is crazy to try to talk to everyone else before you talk to Him. If it makes you feel nuts to talk to Him out loud, write it down. Ask Him to hug you, to hold you, to help you know He is there. He will answer.

Being single is not easy if it is not what you would choose for your life at the time. Lately, people have been mentioning things that lead me to believe I am making it look easy to be single and childless in your thirties. Praise God that it appears that way; it is still a daily battle, but I finally feel like I am beyond my hissy-fit stage of singleness in which I constantly whine about it. I have moved on to acceptance of God’s plan because God is still faithful in the hard aspects of life. He knows what’s best for my life. What makes it easy to get to this place of security is that I know I might get lonely, but I am never alone. So, I am choosing to trust Him. Never again will I be insecure anymore…Never again. He walks beside me all the way. He guides my footsteps every day. Ms. EV

Well, we’re still here. I guess the Mayan calendar wasn’t right. In any case, I wanted to get back to my Lonely Christmas CD. There is a song that I had to have on the CD that I first heard in the movie, Home Alone, but I am sure that it is older than that. The song is “Nobody Ought to Be Alone on Christmas.”

I have spent every Christmas, except one, with my family. I do not necessarily spend the entire day with them, but at some point, we are all in one location. I didn’t realize how necessary this was until the one Christmas that I was not with them. It was my ex-husband’s and my first Christmas together. Now, you’re probably thinking, “I thought you said you were alone.” There was someone physically present with me that day, but understand that within four months after that Christmas, our minor problems became major. Six months after that Christmas, we separated. Eight months after that Christmas, our divorce was final. So, you aren’t not alone just because you’re with someone (Oh man, that’s some wisdom right there).

Anyway, I was so miserable that Christmas that I visited my family a few days later for my dad’s birthday and New Years. I have to say that is the most alone I have ever felt on a Christmas day, including at this point in my life, when I literally spend a part of the day alone. I know how sad it can be, so I want to encourage everyone that if you know someone who is going to be alone next Tuesday that believes in Christmas, give them a call and invite them over.

My parents are really good at this. They were in the Navy and different families took care of them when they couldn’t be with their families, so they always adopt some single people or people who don’t have family in town on holidays. I must admit that I did not always understand it. And, of course, I am always hoping they will invite someone over who might be a match for their very single daughter (LOL), but that hasn’t happened yet. Now, as I am truly single again, I understand why they do it because nobody ought to be all alone on Christmas. So, make an effort to help out your single or family-less friends this holiday season, so everyone can focus on the joy of the Savior’s birth and not how lonely they are here on earth. Ms. EV

I was challenged by a Girlfriends in God devotional in my inbox and here is my response. I hope that it can bless and encourage you about the storms in your life. Check out Girlfriends in God when you have a chance .

Challenge: Read 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Do not be surprised at the painful things you are now suffering. These things are testing your faith." (ICB) In your own words, describe the testing you are going through today in your life. How is it testing and strengthening your faith?

Response: My main tests are being single and childless. I never thought that I would survive four years of singleness. But, I reached four years last June and I am thankful because God proved to me that, with Him, I can survive. I will be alright. I thought the depression of being alone might kill me when I was younger. It was that thought that twisted my mind into thinking that getting married very young was a good idea. If I took the opportunity then to get married, I wouldn’t have to ever be alone again. But, because I didn’t listen to God, I experienced an even more painful loneliness. I experienced feeling alone while in a relationship, a marriage. 

Have you ever heard, "Little Christmas Tree," by the Jackson 5? It is a fabulously depressing song, and I love it! If you are new to this blog, you should be aware that I love really, really sad and depressing music because when I hear it, it makes me feel better about my life. I like the blues, Old Toni Braxton music like, Un-Break My Heart, How Could an Angel Break My Heart, you probably get the gist. So, a couple of winter breaks ago after getting tired of hearing how excited people were about Christmas music (in November), I decided to compile some of my favorite Christmas music; the music to which I could relate. The result is a CD with about twelve or thirteen of the saddest songs you have ever heard and "Little Christmas Tree" is on it.

I first heard this song when I was a little girl because it was on my parents' Motown Christmas album. I didn't really pay attention to the words, I just liked belting out the words, "This is the season of LOVE...But, I'm as sad as I can BEEEEEEEE!!!" Please don't call the men in the white jackets on me. Back then, it was about the moving melody, and as I got older and started experiencing some sad and lonely Christmases after break ups and divorce and more break ups, belting out that haunting melody became therapeutic. The song talks about this little, lonely Christmas tree and it speaks to those of us who go to bed alone at night on Christmas Eve and wake up alone on Christmas morning.

And, I realize that's sad (Google the words, it gets worse), but it makes me feel happy because before and after I go to bed alone and wake up alone, I spend time with a fanstastic family. I get to see the joy in my nephews' and niece's eyes when they open presents that I gave them. I get to dine on fantastic food with my family. It's sometimes hard seeing everyone be all lovey-dovey, but at least I'm not that little Christmas tree. I mean, according to Michael, "No one seemed to care, they just walked away and left it standing there!" I, on the other hand, have people who care about me; who won't just walk away and leave me standing there. And, even at the times when they are not with me, in the lonely hours, I have a relationship with the one, true God, who never leaves my side, so I am never alone.

And, my friend, you are not alone either. God thought so much of you that the Christ, for whom we celebrate Christmas (though, I think some people forget this part), was sent to save you. He has a plan for you. You may not understand His plan, but it is the best plan. And yes, it might include more lonely Christmases than you ever thought you would have, but guess what, you have made it through everyone of them. Don't wait on Santa to bring you the things you think will fulfill you. Trust that God knows exactly what you need, so you don't always get what you want. Whew, I know I needed that!

I don't know about anyone else, but I am grateful that even though I feel like that Little Christmas Tree sometimes, I know that not every Christmas will be that way because God has proved to me that He is so much more loving than that! And, when I do have my own family, with whom to celebrate Christmas, I pray that I do not ever forget to be grateful for God's sacrifice, grace and mercy. I truly believe that what I experience now will lead to even greater experiences ahead. Even when it feels like no one cares, God cares and so do I. Ms. EV

I should be well aware by now that as soon as things start moving in a positive direction, the darts will start being hurled my way. Sometimes it is hard to tell if the negative thoughts originate from my own insecurities or if they are merely a manifestation of the cowardice of an enemy who knows he has no standing. Whatever the source, I still have difficulty dealing with feeling lonely from time to time. So, I am writing this as an encouragement to myself in hopes that it will lift up someone else as well.

One thing I know for sure is that I am not alone. I am assured of that fact by God’s Word. Nonetheless, it would be nice to have someone to whom or with whom I could come home. Most of the time when I think this, it is because I have had a rough day and need a little sympathy. But, even in the good times, well, especially in the good times, it would be nice to have someone with whom I could celebrate. I am not in any way diminishing the comfort and peace that God gives me or the spiritual pats on the back that I can feel from within my soul. However, God Himself said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” And, I am pretty sure He meant that for women, too.

I just have to thank God because this is no longer a daily struggle (Oh, who am I kidding…an hourly struggle). There are a limited number of times when I feel sucker-punched by the lonelies. There are even less times when it results in tears. So, as much as I am sure my old nemesis wants me to have a full on Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam “All Cried Out” moment, I know that I just need to go to my Daddy and sit at His feet and let Him console me. No one will ever fill the empty spaces of my life like He can. And, when the time is right, He will send me someone to come home to. Ms. EV

I realized last night, after having a bit of an emotional break, that I really need to focus on not disliking the holiday season. As a Christian, this should be a joyous time of celebration. However, when the twenty-fifth commercial about a man buying his wife or girlfriend jewelry came on while I was trying to watch football, I had had ENOUGH! I exclaimed, "I can't wait until January 1st!" To which my niece replied, "Why?" I retorted, "Because then I won't have to see these stupid commercials anymore! It's like we went straight from political ads to jewelry campaign! Okay...you love her...we get it!" Like, I said, emotional break.

You see, every year right around Thanksgiving, I start to really feel the sadness of singleness. I have a great family, but it seems that everyone in my family who desires to be in a relationship is in a relationship and/or they have children on whom to focus their attention. And, every year, I tell myself that it could be worse. I could be dealing with illness or loss or some terrible tragedy and I am really blessed. But, there is something about the lack of sunlight and the addition of holiday stuff that pushes me into a holiday depression.

For me, my goal every year is to make it from the end of November to February 15th without completely breaking down or losing my mind. Because right after Christmas, there is New Years Eve, three weeks later there is my birthday, and then, Valentines Day. Talk about rapid succession lonely times. I am surrounded by people and most, if not all of them, are loving and caring. Yet, this is still a time when I struggle. No matter how many people are around, I don't have MY person or MY children. And, at the end of the day on these special occasions, I leave alone. And, I know God is with me. Trust me, I remind myself of that all of the time. I would love to be the person that can say that the fact that God is everpresent is comforting to me in these times, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that being lonely on the holidays, not having a special someone, kind of sucks.

So, what do the lonely do at Christmas? Well, I have found in recent years that if I focus on others and bringing them joy, it generally brings a smile to my face. If I don't think of it as a holiday, but celebrate Christ and the season of giving, it brings some comfort. Still, waking up and opening presents with my cat on Christmas morning is kind of saddening, but I focus on the fact that I did wake up and that my cat is healthy and she knows how to wipe any tears I may shed. Nevertheless, everytime I make it through this season, it is a blessing because there are so many who lack any kind of comfort and just cannot deal with the loneliness, so I thank God for that. Ms. EV

For the month of September, the ministers at my church are focusing on love. So far, we have been taught about the love chapter, losing our first love, and loving our neighbors. It has been difficult to hear all of this preaching on love. I am in a place in my life where I know God loves me, I love God and I have a loving family, yet, I am struggling with loneliness. In the past, I have had moments where I felt lonely, but I quickly got over it. I would have a bad day or couples of days, shed some tears, say some prayers and bounce right back. But, not this time; this time the empty, dark, abandoned feelings just will not seem to go away. Every time I feel like I am past it and I have made it to the other side of this terrible place, I get knocked back down. I am fine when I am distracted by my responsibilities, but then, before I know it, I am sucked back into this very pitiful and lonely place.

Even when I am surrounded by people, I can still feel neglected. Because, when the day is over, or the event is over, and the dust settles, I walk to my car alone, drive to my house alone, and sit in my house…alone (with my very spoiled cat, of course). I just want to experience having a relationship again. I know I am supposed to be content with what I have. I know that God knows what is best for me. I know that God has a plan. The fact that I know all of this is why I feel even worse about feeling this way. I have to question whether I have done something wrong, or I am not spending enough time alone with God, or if this is just one of those trials that is preparing me to move forward. In the past, I would usually have some other great triumph in some other phase of my life that I could look to and be grateful for that made it feel a little bit better that I have to be alone in this time period. But, lately, I seem to be at a standstill in almost every area of my life.

Usually, this would be the part where I would say, “but then…” and provide some update to how things have changed dramatically and I wish I could, but there is no big update. I have taken in the sermons about love and I have asked God to reveal to me what I need to know concerning the preached Word. I have learned that the love that I show is not perfect; it is a work in progress and I have to learn to love in the way that God intended us to love. I have realized that my relationship with God is the most important relationship I could ever have because without His love, grace and mercy, I do not know how I would survive. I have ascertained that I need to allow God’s love to be the motivating force in my life. My situation has not changed, but God’s love has not changed either. He never said this life would be easy, but He did say that He would never leave me. And, I know that things could be much worse, so I will continue to praise and continue to love, and I will be sure to give Him the glory now and on the other side of this trial. Ms. EV

I should be well aware by now that as soon as things start moving in a positive direction, the darts will start being hurled my way. Sometimes it is hard to tell if the negative thoughts originate from my own insecurities or if they are merely a manifestation of the cowardice of an enemy who knows he has no standing. Whatever the source, I still have difficulty dealing with feeling lonely from time to time. So, I am writing this as an encouragement to myself in hopes that it will lift up someone else as well.

One thing I know for sure is that I am not alone. I am assured of that fact by God’s Word. Nonetheless, it would be nice to have someone to whom or with whom I could come home. Most of the time when I think this, it is because I have had a rough day and need a little sympathy. But, even in the good times, well, especially in the good times, it would be nice to have someone with whom I could celebrate. I am not in any way diminishing the comfort and peace that God gives me or the spiritual pats on the back that I can feel from within my soul. However, God Himself said, “It is not good for man to be alone.” And, I am pretty sure He meant that for women, too.

I just have to thank God because this is no longer a daily struggle (Oh, who am I kidding…an hourly struggle). There are a limited number of times when I feel sucker-punched by the lonelies. There are even less times when it results in tears. So, as much as I am sure my old nemesis wants me to have a full on Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam “All Cried Out” moment, I know that I just need to go to my Daddy and sit at His feet and let Him console me. No one will ever fill the empty spaces of my life like He can. And, when the time is right, He will send me someone to come home to. Ms. EV