A few years ago, I felt very deeply hurt by someone extremely close to me. As a result, I limited my contact and conversation with the person to try to ease my pain. It did not mean that I did not forgive the person or that I did not love the person, but it seemed to me to be too painful to let the person get as close to me as we once were. What started as me protecting myself became a grudge. Instead of just being cautious, eventually, I became callous; doing my best to exclude this person from as much of my life as possible. I felt completely justified at the time.
Then, while attending a workshop, I heard the question, “Have you ever been hurt or felt betrayed by someone you love?” I was quick to identify with the notion. The overseer of the exercise went on to ask questions like, “Do you still love that person?” and, “Does that person still love you?” and, “How would you react if something happened to that person and you never saw them again? What would be the last interaction that you had with them?” At this point, I started crying my eyes out because, as much as I could point to the pain of feeling hurt by this person, just the thought of anything happening to this person presented a much deeper and more catastrophic type of pain. I began to think if I could live with myself, look myself in the mirror, and know that this person’s last thought of me might be one of me being filled with contempt rather than compassion. I knew I could not begin the road to rebuilding the relationship without God’s guidance and help. And, though we are not nearly as close as we used to be, I know that my love is obvious. I know that if we don’t have a tomorrow together, I have made it known how much I care. And, that is really all we are in control of when it comes to others. Some people are hard to love, but we love them anyway. When we put it in perspective, we should be able to say, “If God can love someone like me, then I should be able to love anybody.” And when we love, we have to love past hurt feelings and feelings of betrayal. That is not an easy thing to do, but God is able to guide us through it. I know because He did it for me. Many times, when we are hurt by those we love, we tend to think that time will heal the wounds, but we are not promised any amount of time on this side of Heaven to make things right. Think about the grudges you hold against the people you love. Think about how you treat them as a result of the pain they imposed. And, even though, you feel justified in punishing them or protecting yourself from experience that type of pain again, think about this: what if you don’t get to fix it? What if there is never another opportunity to say, “You know what, I feel like you were wrong when you did this…. It hurt me. It hurt me, especially because I love you and I know you love me.” Or, vice versa, what if you are the person in the wrong? Think about how it would feel to know that all you had to say was, “I apologize and I love you,” but pride got in the way and now, you will never get the chance. This is not really about the reaction of the other person. This is about you. Can you live with yourself if that person leaves this earth and thinks that you hate them (whether they are right or not)? Can you live with yourself if the last impression that person has of you is you treating them cruelly? I knew I could not do it. So, I asked God to help me move past anger and resentment. I sought God to help me forgive because He is the author of forgiveness. He pulled me through it and He would do the same thing for you. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you don’t get a chance to fix it. Make the choice today to repair what is broken and I promise it will feel like a thousand tons of weight is lifted from your shoulders. Forgiveness and love are the way to go; if not, there would have been no need for Jesus to die on a cross to save you and me. Ms. EV
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Part of growing up is learning to rejoice in the successes in the lives of others and having empathy for the pain in the lives of others. The latter part of that can sometimes come more naturally than the former. If you have a heart, it is not very difficult to feel sorry for someone. It is natural to share in the pain, offer your shoulder, give words of comfort and just be there for that person. When we have compassion towards another person, it often gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling. We feel needed, useful, like we have a purpose.
Sharing in the joys is a little more difficult. It shouldn’t be, but we are human, and sometimes, we may genuinely feel excited for a friend’s good fortune, while, at the same time, we feel somehow slighted. She has so much and I want so little, so why does everything seem to go her way? She doesn’t even want more kids and she’s pregnant…She doesn’t even want a man in her life, but she has one pining for her…When will it be my turn? Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one who feels just a twinge of bitterness when these situations arise. But, I am a growing work in progress, so if this isn’t for you, then please just indulge me for minute while I step on my own toes. I once heard that the difference between bitter and better is the “I” involved. The reason that bitter feelings arise for me is because I am only concerned with me, myself and I. It is because I am being selfish and unappreciative. But, when I look at all of the things I have to be grateful for rather than the things for which I am longing, I become better. I just feel better. When I take the focus off of me (and that right there is a challenge), and place the focus on what God has for me and has done for me, bitterness cannot stay. I’m not saying that it makes you a bad person if you fall into a momentary period of bitterness; just don’t stay there. And, that includes proceeding to beat yourself up about feeling that way. Instead, do a little ABC exercise. Acknowledge that the appropriate response is to delight in what God does for others (1 Corinthians 12:26). Bounce your thoughts onto those things that are pure, true, holy, just, and noble (Philippians 4:8-9).Count your blessings, name them, write them down, and thank God for them (Psalm 100:4). Be better, not bitter. Ms. EV I was up to my eyeballs in chocolate over the last couple of days for a catering job that required a cake with chocolate frosting. I needed melted chocolate for the frosting recipe, so I read the directions. Melting chocolate, for anyone who does not know, is an art form. You have to have exactly the right temperature and you cannot leave the chocolate by itself to melt. It must be stirred at exactly the right time, but not too much or it won’t break down properly. Well, it was late at night and I did not want to be up until the wee hours of the morning, so I saw on the side of the package that you could microwave the chocolate to melt it. Perfect! I read the instructions, got the microwave-safe bowl, put the chocolate bars in, set the timer, and pushed the START button.
About half way into the cooking time, which was calculated correctly, I smelled something burning. I looked and saw smoke billowing in the microwave. Tears started to fill up in my eyes because, if this chocolate was ruined, money would have been wasted, not to mention I was going to have to go to the store late at night and get more chocolate. I took a deep breath and looked timidly in the bowl to find that one block of chocolate had burned to a crisp. There it sat black a charcoal, but it was right on the top, so I was able to scoop it out and use the beautifully melted chocolate beneath it. It only took about half the time the box had instructed for this chocolate to melt. So, I made the frosting, and taste-tested it, of course, and it was divine. As I was spreading the frosting though, I found a little chunk of the burned chocolate, so I pickup that up and tasted it, too. YUCK!!! It was bitter. I was glad to have found it because I did not want any of the guests to each it, as it would have ruined the whole cake, which was delicious. So, why am I giving a thesis on chocolate? I love chocolate, especially dark chocolate, mainly because of all the antioxidants and health benefits. Yeah right! Chocolate tastes good and it makes me feel better when I am down, which is why I was shocked to discover how bitter it becomes when it is not handled properly. We are the same way. Each of us has our own set of instructions. God knows exactly the right temperature to let things heat up in our lives. He never leaves us alone when the heat is on us. He knows exactly when to stir things up in our lives, so that He can properly break down the parts of our lives that we need to be rid of and use us in our best form for His glory. Instead, we want what we want when we want it. Well, at least I do. I do not like it when situations turn up the heat on my life, especially, if I have to endure the heat for too long, and I definitely am a creature of habit who does not like for things to be stirred up around me. So, what do I do, I (and probably you) look for shortcuts. How can I get the result that I want without going through as much trouble? We look for the path of least resistance. And, sometimes that path seems to work, giving us a false sense of security about who is really in control. Other times, we rush our lives and take a turn that God never wanted us to take, which may leave us feeling burned and useless. We try to move forward from the hurt (sometimes caused by our own actions). But, when we try to clean up the mess, we can only remove what we can see on the surface. And sure, everything looks fine and is going well until we get spread a little too thin. Then, you can start to see the little chunks of mess that are left behind. If we don’t remove them, they will affect our whole entire being; our spiritual, mental and emotional health. Because these little leftover pieces of pain are bitter, and I don’t know if you have ever had something bitter, but it does not take much too ruin your pallet for whatever is coming next. So, rather than enjoy the assignment, relationship, or blessing God has for us, we are still reeling from when we tried to take a quicker route to what we desire. The bottom line is that we have to trust God. We have to live out His process because He knows so much more than we will ever know about our future. I don't know about you but I don't want any little chunks of chocolate bitterness in my life. I kept thinking to myself that I followed the instructions and I made the right calculations, so I did not understand why it did not work out. All I can surmise from that it that there is a good way to do things and there is a right way to do things. A lot of people feel that if they are good they will be blessed and go to Heaven. And, while they may be respected and get what they want on this side of Heaven, there is more to salvation and living for God than just being good. The right way to live and be saved, the only way to Heaven is to admit you are a sinner, believe in the risen Savior, Jesus Christ and confess Him as your Lord. So, being good may get you the results you want temporarily, but being right with God, will get you those results and so much more eternally. Ms. EV Part of growing up is learning to rejoice in the successes in the lives of others and having empathy for the pain in the lives of others. The latter part of that can sometimes come more naturally than the former. If you have a heart, it is not very difficult to feel sorry for someone. It is natural to share in the pain, offer your shoulder, give words of comfort and just be there for that person. When we have compassion towards another person, it often gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling. We feel needed, useful, like we have a purpose.
Sharing in the joys is a little more difficult. It shouldn’t be, but we are human, and sometimes, we may genuinely feel excited for a friend’s good fortune, while, at the same time, we feel somehow slighted. She has so much and I want so little, so why does everything seem to go her way? She doesn’t even want more kids and she’s pregnant…She doesn’t even want a man in her life, but she has one pining for her…When will it be my turn? Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one who feels just a twinge of bitterness when these situations arise. But, I am a growing work in progress, so if this isn’t for you, then please just indulge me for minute while I step on my own toes. I once heard that the difference between bitter and better is the “I” involved. The reason that bitter feelings arise for me is because I am only concerned with me, myself and I. It is because I am being selfish and unappreciative. But, when I look at all of the things I have to be grateful for rather than the things for which I am longing, I become better. I just feel better. When I take the focus off of me (and that right there is a challenge), and place the focus on what God has for me and has done for me, bitterness cannot stay. I’m not saying that it makes you a bad person if you fall into a momentary period of bitterness; just don’t stay there. And, that includes proceeding to beat yourself up about feeling that way. Instead, do a little ABC exercise. Acknowledge that the appropriate response is to delight in what God does for others (1 Corinthians 12:26). Bounce your thoughts onto those things that are pure, true, holy, just, and noble (Philippians 4:8-9). Count your blessings, name them, write them down, and thank God for them (Psalm 100:4). Be better, not bitter. Ms. EV |
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