When I moved into my condo, I was the first person in my building. It was wonderful and quiet; a perfect place for me. Eventually, more people moved in around me. My neighbors were the party hosts for the entire neighborhood. They would have cookouts in their driveway, even though it violated the condo association bylaws. They would stay up until all hours of the night playing loud music and talking loudly.
I have mentioned several times that I am an introvert. By nature, I am pretty anti-social, so although the neighbors would invite me to join their little soirees, I always politely declined and prepared to wear my earplugs through the night, so that I would try to sleep. One night, I arrived home rather late and they were outside. I pointed out to them that my window was right above where they were sitting and even quoted back to them some of the conversations that they had with one another to prove how loudly they were talking. We agreed that if they were too loud, I would call one of them before I called the police. Well, that agreement didn’t last very long. I called, but they didn’t get any quieter. I would call the police, but they did nothing to stop it. I prayed and prayed that they would just move, but they stayed there and the issue got worse and worse. At one point, I asked anybody who would listen if when Jesus said love your neighbor, He meant your literal neighbor because surely, I could not be expected to be kind to these people who had no respect for me. After about three years, the main culprits of the noise broke up and moved out. The other neighbors had a baby and settled down quite a bit. One day, I noticed that the environment had changed. Now, though I still don’t attend their parties, my neighbors and I speak and are cordial with one another. I believe we have grown to respect one another. And, although I used to call the police on them, I never lost my cool with them. We never got into an argument or a shouting match. I never lost my religion in front of them. I just continued to pray for them (and for my sanity). Loving people who are nice to you is easy. Loving people who hate you, have little to no respect for you, and love to inconvenience you seems impossible. But, it is not with God’s help. I did not like my neighbors’ actions, but I knew that I could never let them pull me out of my godly character. So, that stopped being an area where the evil one could pick at me. In order to be more like Christ, we have to learn to love some people that seem pretty unlovable. The easiest way to do that is to consider how unlovable we are at times, yet God still loves us and blesses us. Love God. Love people. The struggle will never be in vain; you will grow another level of character that you never knew existed within you. Ms. EV
0 Comments
A few years ago, I felt very deeply hurt by someone extremely close to me. As a result, I limited my contact and conversation with the person to try to ease my pain. It did not mean that I did not forgive the person or that I did not love the person, but it seemed to me to be too painful to let the person get as close to me as we once were. What started as me protecting myself became a grudge. Instead of just being cautious, eventually, I became callous; doing my best to exclude this person from as much of my life as possible. I felt completely justified at the time.
Then, while attending a workshop, I heard the question, “Have you ever been hurt or felt betrayed by someone you love?” I was quick to identify with the notion. The overseer of the exercise went on to ask questions like, “Do you still love that person?” and, “Does that person still love you?” and, “How would you react if something happened to that person and you never saw them again? What would be the last interaction that you had with them?” At this point, I started crying my eyes out because, as much as I could point to the pain of feeling hurt by this person, just the thought of anything happening to this person presented a much deeper and more catastrophic type of pain. I began to think if I could live with myself, look myself in the mirror, and know that this person’s last thought of me might be one of me being filled with contempt rather than compassion. I knew I could not begin the road to rebuilding the relationship without God’s guidance and help. And, though we are not nearly as close as we used to be, I know that my love is obvious. I know that if we don’t have a tomorrow together, I have made it known how much I care. And, that is really all we are in control of when it comes to others. Some people are hard to love, but we love them anyway. When we put it in perspective, we should be able to say, “If God can love someone like me, then I should be able to love anybody.” And when we love, we have to love past hurt feelings and feelings of betrayal. That is not an easy thing to do, but God is able to guide us through it. I know because He did it for me. Many times, when we are hurt by those we love, we tend to think that time will heal the wounds, but we are not promised any amount of time on this side of Heaven to make things right. Think about the grudges you hold against the people you love. Think about how you treat them as a result of the pain they imposed. And, even though, you feel justified in punishing them or protecting yourself from experience that type of pain again, think about this: what if you don’t get to fix it? What if there is never another opportunity to say, “You know what, I feel like you were wrong when you did this…. It hurt me. It hurt me, especially because I love you and I know you love me.” Or, vice versa, what if you are the person in the wrong? Think about how it would feel to know that all you had to say was, “I apologize and I love you,” but pride got in the way and now, you will never get the chance. This is not really about the reaction of the other person. This is about you. Can you live with yourself if that person leaves this earth and thinks that you hate them (whether they are right or not)? Can you live with yourself if the last impression that person has of you is you treating them cruelly? I knew I could not do it. So, I asked God to help me move past anger and resentment. I sought God to help me forgive because He is the author of forgiveness. He pulled me through it and He would do the same thing for you. Don’t put yourself in a situation where you don’t get a chance to fix it. Make the choice today to repair what is broken and I promise it will feel like a thousand tons of weight is lifted from your shoulders. Forgiveness and love are the way to go; if not, there would have been no need for Jesus to die on a cross to save you and me. Ms. EV I do my best to try to be aware of where my weaknesses are. I know that I am not perfect and that I have shortcomings. Some are obvious and others are less blunt, so I often ask God to show me the areas of my life in which I am failing Him. One of those areas is in dealing with adverse people. Mary Southerland of Girlfriends in God calls them sandpaper people. Don't get me wrong, I am a nice person. I have been told that I am compassionate, genuine, and loving. But, when it comes to the people who seem to exist only to unnerve me, sometimes I fall short in the area of Christian love.
I know this is an issue because yesterday I mentioned to my mother that I may need to work on my people skills. I was in a situation where I found myself getting very frustrated with someone who asked me for help, and then, did not want to listen to me when I tried to give help. I have a feeling that my frustration was very obvious because, just like I do not have the ability to hide pain, I also have very little ability to hide the exact emotion I am feeling. Even though I was talking to my mother about the issue, I have a sneaking suspiscion that God overheard our convo (just in case you are wondering, I do realize that God hears everything). This morning, when I got to work I saw a person who not only annoys me, but goes out of his way to annoy me. I would prefer to have this person pretend that I am invisible because everything that comes out of his mouth is obnoxious. I have tried to ignore him. I have even tried, as recently as a few days ago, to be nice to him. But, there he was this morning as I arrived at work, pre-Coke Zero, to make another snide remark. I don't even know what I retorted, but I do know that it was accompanied by the yuck face and a possible eye roll. A couple of hours later I was reading a devotional and it spoke about making peace with people. OUCH!!! "But, I tried, Lord! I was nice to that dude the other day. I even smiled a genuine, not forced, smile. Surely, You can't mean him; he doesn't even recognize when I am trying to be peaceful." Even in the midst of my heart plea, I was wrong. And, I am still not really sure how to fix it. I don't want to brush off the obnoxious comments because I don't want this person to think that it's okay. Ignoring him is not going to fix it. Reacting adversly doesn't fix it either because even though I have had words with this guy and my friends have told him he is a jerk to me, he continues to act foolishly. Though I don't know what to do about this particular person, I am confident that God has the answer and He will guide me to it. Nonetheless, the issue is bigger than this one person. I don't want anyone to view God in a bad light because of how I treat other people, so I have to watch my actions and attitude towards others, especially obnoxious others. I figure if God can put up with the way I act and the things I say, I can learn to love in spite of. It is a process and I am sure I am not the only one who has to deal with those people. One thing is for sure, if you ever start thinking you have it all together and you ask God to point out your flaws, He will make them clear to you. The question then becomes what are you going to do about it. I have a few days to figure that out before I have to deal with this particular person again. But, in general, we have to keep love and peace in the forefront of our hearts and minds because some people are just too willing to let the devil use them to try to trip us up. Don't let the devil win! Ms. EV Today's blog is in response to a challenge from a Girlfriends in God devotional:
Dear God: I want to take the time to tell You how much I love You. First, I love You for your sacrifice. There is no pain worse than when a child dies; yet, You loved us all so much that You willingly gave Your Son to pay the debts that we can never repay. I love that You are a forgiving God. We continually choose paths that are contrary to Your Will; nonetheless, when we come to You acknowledging the errors of our ways and willing to turn our lives around, You forget the past and move us forward. I also love You for Your grace. There is no telling where I would be without Your grace. And, I understand that grace is not a license to sin; it is the gift of Your riches and blessings that I do not deserve. Furthermore, I love that You are a merciful God. There are countless actions that I have undertaken that I know should have had more dire consequences, but You spared me. There were still consequences for my actions; however, I know that it could have been much worse were it not for Your mercy. God, I want to thank You for my family. I get to experience different family dynamics all of the time, so I know how blessed I am. Thank You for saved parents who helped me to know You. Thank You for a close-knit, supportive family that is not perfect and has its differences, but when push comes to shove, we are there for each other. Moreover, I thank You for my health. I have not always had a perfectly clean bill of health; nevertheless, there has not been one ailment that has been debilitating. I still have the use of all of my senses, my limbs, and my brain, and I think sometimes we take being able to breathe for granted, so I thank You for each breath. I also want to thank You for the gifts that You have given me. I have not always used them in the way that I know You intended for them to be used, yet, You did not take them from me. Instead, You gave me the opportunity to discover how I could use them for You. Lord, I thank You for being God. I have tried to be in control of everything and it is not easy, so I am glad that I do not have to be. I am so grateful to be awakened each morning by the sun that You created peeking over the horizon. I am thankful that You will never leave me or forsake me. Even though, I battled with a fear of loneliness, You and I came out victorious. Thank You for delivering me from the dark corners of anxiety in my mind, from self-doubt, and from low self-esteem. Lord, I thank You for eternity and for a heavenly home. I thank You because I know that no matter what happens in my life and on this earth, this is not my home and physical death is not the end. Father, You are awesome and amazing and I do not deserve Your love, but I am so glad that You give it freely. Thank You. Ms. EV It truly breaks my heart to see or hear of people making the mistakes that I have made. It doesn’t matter if the person is younger or older than I am, I simply cannot stand to watch someone I care about trip over my old stumbling blocks. If I could, I would help everyone I know avoid the pitfalls of life wherein I have fallen. Sometimes you hear people say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” That statement is seen as hypocritical and it is because you cannot expect someone to stop certain behaviors that you are not willing to extinguish from your life. Nonetheless, I firmly believe in attempting to curb the errors of those we love by saying, “Do what I say, not what I have done.” The issue with feeling comfortable enough to say this is that you have to be willing to explain your past and unmask your inner blemishes.
Like many teenagers, I truly thought that my parents had never done anything wrong in their lives. I felt that they couldn’t possibly know about the tough moral choices I was facing or the peer pressure that I was under. My parents were perfect, smart and saved. Plus, they had been married all of their lives, so they definitely could not have dealt with relationship issues. It wasn’t until very recently that I found out that I was very wrong. Sometimes, in an effort to protect those we love, we feel that we should not expose them to any darkness in our past. However, by hiding our true selves, we are not protecting them. In fact, we make them uncomfortable and unwilling to communicate when they have a similar problem. If we cannot use our past experiences to try to help those we love, then our missteps are in vain. I heard someone say that if you learn from a mistake, it becomes experience, but if you don’t learn from a mistake, it becomes a failure. I have found that using the lessons I have learned about love and life to help others is essential to healing. It helps me forgive myself and others, and keep moving forward. Some people are afraid that they will share vulnerable information only to have their valuable advice rejected. Don’t be discouraged if someone doesn’t listen to your advice; we plant the seed and God does the watering. But, no one can ever learn from you if you hide behind an image of yourself that you want people to know. Peeling back your layers is not only a blessing to the person you are potentially helping, but it also serves as praise for the God who has carried you thus far. I know that there are certain mistakes that some people have to make for themselves before they learn to live differently; still, how would it feel to find out that you could have prevented a catastrophe in someone’s life by simply sharing your story? The only perfect human being was Christ, so we should stop pretending to be infallible and start using our victories to be instructional. Ms. EV If you are in a crowd of people, can any of them tell that you are a Christian? Why or how do they know that you are a child of Christ? I have often heard it said that as Christians, our goal should not be to fit in, but to stand out. I have struggled with this statement for years because I believe that there has to be a balance. I feel that you have to stand out enough that God and everyone else knows that you are not ashamed of the Gospel, but you have to also fit in enough that people are not afraid to hear the Gospel from you.
There are pastors, gospel singers, and many people with great influence who say they are Christians, but refuse to use the name of Jesus Christ or to say that if you do not accept Christ, the consequence is hell. Then, there are fanatics who literally scare the hell out of people through hate and violence. I don't believe that God is pleased with pacifism or vigilantism. Look at Paul. Paul, as Saul, thought he was doing a great work for God when he was persecuting Christians. Then, after one encounter with God, he went from persecutor to persecuted. And, he did not let being threatened and jailed stop him. He had the stand out/fit in balance going so well that the prison guards were getting saved. But, if Paul is not a good enough example that there needs to be a balance, look at Jesus himself. He didn't exactly avoid those people who were shunned by society. He allowed sinners into His presence for the sake of saving their lives. And, on several occasions, he got alone by Himself to pray. If all Christians separate ourselves from everyone who has a lifestyle that we do not agree with, who will be left to teach of Christ? It's not about taking on the lifestyle of that person; it's about being who you are in Christ while you are around him or her, so that Christ's love is felt and stealing away to pray for the person and for yourself, so that the person can know Him and that your walk is not hindered. Once you plant the seed, it's up to God to do the watering. You don't have to sugarcoat the truth, but you don't have to be nasty either. It is a flesh/spirit battle, but when the Holy Spirit influences you, it could be a win for someone else's spirit as well. Ms. EV I watch way too much television. Once I get back to work and get busy, I am sure that will change. Anyway, on one show I was watching, a guy met a girl at the beginning of the show, and by the end of the show, they were kissing. Isn’t TV romance great? After all, it totally mirrors what happens in real life…NOT! I just recently stopped consistently watching soap operas (I say “consistently” because I do like to catch up on some of my grandmama’s stories every once in a while; soaps was a part of our bond). I started watching soap operas when I was about three years old. Although the relationships were rarely long-lasting, in the beginning they were always so romantic. Watching these shows gave me a very skewed idea of what romance should look like.
I wanted someone to come into my life, shower me with gifts, take me to exotic places and then, ask me to marry him by our third episode together because that is how it happens on television. Looking back I realize that my last two substantial relationships are the result of my fantasy relationship vision. My ex-husband did not take me to exotic places, but he did ask me to marry him on our third date. My last guy took me to elegant places and talked about marriage on our first date; he just never got around to asking. So, here I am still single and this television romance is still eluding me. Nonetheless, everyday of my life, I am involved in the greatest romance of all! No, there are no luxurious gifts like jewelry, clothing, pricey electronic gadgets; instead, the lover of my soul gave the most expensive gift ever given: His life. And, I did nothing to deserve the gift. He just loved me so much that He sacrificed Himself in order to offer me the gist of salvation. I have been on trips to exotic places, but my best trips have been the journey that I have taken with Jesus. When I have veered off onto the wrong course, He has placed me back onto the correct path. The journey has been rough at times, but it has always been worth it. And, before I even started my relationship with Christ, He had already proposed. He asked for my heart and my hand; I just had to accept. I am pretty sure that relationships like the ones we see on television are few and far between. And, if you watch as much television as I do, you know that they are not always as glamorous as they seem to be. They usually end fairly quickly or involve lots of infidelity and scheming. But, a real, true relationship with Jesus Christ is better than anything television and movie producers could put on screen. His love does not end at the end of the season or when the credits roll; it endures for all time. Ms. EV How will the introverted girl who does not enjoy talking to strangers ever meet someone? That is the million dollar question! Let’s get something straight: I am not a hermit. I have a social life, not a super active one, but I do not stay in my house waiting for someone to come, knock on my door and sweep me off my feet. I give many men the opportunity to find me. I go to work (not that I would date anyone there), church, sporting events (cannot wait for football season to start), I play trivia on occasion, and I take myself out to dinner. Nonetheless, I have been encouraged by others to step out of my comfort zone, so to that end, with a little shot of courage and a Living Social deal, I decided to try speed dating. Boy, when I step out I step way out!
Why speed dating instead of online dating? I have heard some positive feedback about online dating, but I have heard more negative feedback, so it is not something with which I am comfortable, but to each his or her own. Not to mention, every time I fill out one of those surveys on matching sites, it tells me I am too specific. Sorry if I know what I want; I have had plenty of alone time to figure it out. Also, like many of my male counterparts, I am a visual person and if a person is sitting in front of me, there is no mystery as to whether or not they are embellishing the truth about their outer appearance. I know it sounds superficial, but I am a human being and one of the many things I desire in a mate is that I am physically attracted to him. I also liked the idea of speed dating because it’s only six minutes per person, and then, if you don’t want to, you never have to speak to that person again. You also get to meet several people all in one setting instead of meeting one person at a time. So, I arrived with no expectations and a sick feeling in the pit of my belly. The first bell rang, we were given our instructions, and then I met thirteen different men. And, when I say different, they were very different. I knew that only about half of them had a remote chance because that is how many appeared to be taller than me. However, the others were helpful in allowing me the opportunity learn how to talk to strangers, show off my sense of humor, and learn how to be cordial even when I want to run. Of the ones that met the height requirement, one was too old, three were not attractive for various reasons (i.e. not wanting kids, smoking, recently divorced and noncommittal), and that left three. I had great conversations with all three, which was a good start. As the process ended, I tried to reflect on what I learned. First, I learned that I cannot be anyone other than who I am and there is nothing wrong with that. Next, I learned that even as the years go by, there are some things on which I am not willing to compromise and there is nothing wrong with that (see Superficial or Super Specific). I also learned that even though I took the initiative to attend the event, I still want to be pursued, so if someone wants to really get to know me, he will have to make the first move. Most importantly, I learned that I have to trust that God is not going to keep anything that is good for me from me. It would be nice to write that I had this adventure and I met the man of my dreams, and we are experiencing this beautiful romantic courtship that I am sure will lead to marital bliss and a family of my own. But, the fact that I cannot say that does not mean that this was not a successful venture. I sat in a room full of strangers and had conversations; a few of them were uncomfortable, but most of them were fun. That is a victory for me. I did not have my security blanket people to help me (although my BFF was available by text in case of emergency), and I did not break out into hives or start hyperventilating. That was a success. I have no idea how or when I will meet my future husband, but I am so glad that I already know my Present Help (Psalm 46:1). With each day, we grow closer and I am confident that no matter what happens in my love life, I already have the Love of my life. Ms. EV I like to bake desserts in my spare time and for your next event (shameless plug for EV Catering). My favorite thing to bake is cupcakes, but the hard part about cupcakes is pouring the batter into the cupcake pan without making a mess and wasting batter. After watching several episodes of “Cupcake Wars” on Food Network, I noticed that the professionals use ice cream scoops to get the right amount of batter quickly into the cupcake liners. So, I decided that before I baked my next batch of cupcakes, I would get a scoop.
As much as I love cake and cupcakes, I do not like frosting, so when I am baking for myself, I usually leave it off or use very little. However, when I am baking for a client, I have to frost the cupcakes and they need to look professional, so, in order to do that, I have tried several different piping bags and methods of making the frosting look beautiful and appetizing. I know that it tastes fantastic; however, many people eat with their eyes first, so it needs to look fantastic. So, in addition to my cupcake scoop, I also set out on a mission to find a new cupcake decorating tool. I recently had an order to fill, so when I went to get ingredients I looked for my new baking toys. I was a little dismayed at the prices of the items though. In the aisle, as I scanned up and down, back and forth for something in the right price range, I stopped and prayed. I asked God to help me find what I needed. I took one more stroll down the aisle, and all of a sudden, I see not an ice cream scoop, but a cupcake scoop. It was priced perfectly. I moved on to the aisle with the decoration tools. The same scenario played out. I found what I wanted, but it was way more than I was willing to pay. I stopped, and I don’t even think I said a whole prayer, I think I just said, “Ok, God, here we go again.” I turned around and I spotted a cupcake decorating tool. I did a little mini-shout right there in the store. I used both of these new tools for the order, and my prep time and decorating time were greatly decreased, I was less frustrated, and the cupcakes were a “huge hit,” according to the client. Why am I going on and on about cupcakes and baking tools? It is not about those specific items. It is about the fact that I love and serve a God who cares about every detail of my life. If it concerns me, it concerns Him because He cares for me. In fact, He said I could cast all of my cares on Him because He cares for me. A lot of times, we think that we are bothering God with the “little things” in our lives. I can attest to that. There are people dying and suffering and hungry and unsaved, so why would I bother God by asking Him to help me find baking tools? Because the God I serve can handle the sick, the wounded, the hungry and the lost, and He can still care about everything that concerns me. I have found that when I stop asking God about the smaller details of life, eventually I star leaving Him out of the bigger details in my life, and then, I just start getting all sassy and independent. God wants to communicate with us and be our companion. He has called us friends. And, I don’t know about anyone else, but I tell my closest friends even the smallest details of my life because I find beauty in that level of intimacy with friends, even when the details seem silly. God wants to be involved in ALL things in our lives from buying baking tools to buying a house; from choosing furniture to choosing a future spouse. The fact that we talk to Him and listen for the promptings of the Holy Spirit shows our trust in Him. So, include God in ALL things. If you have a real relationship with Him, there is no area of your life that about which He does not care. If you really tap into an intimate friendship with God, it will be the best relationship in your life. Ms. EV There are so many types of love. The way I love my fellow man should be agape love, which is unconditional. It is the kind of love that is described in 1 Corinthians 13, a patient, kind, humble love. This is the love that the other types of love are built from. Then, there is philia, the love between family and friends. This is the kind of love that makes you feel loyal to someone. There is also eros, this is love that extends beyond friendship. It is an intimate love, and intense desire that one feels towards another. And then, there is blind love. This kind of love is probably not really love. It is more of an offshoot of lust. It is not necessarily lust for physical contact with someone, but it could just be the lust for being in a relationship.
Blind love is dangerous. When we love someone giving no thought to what type of relationship that person has with Christ, how that person treats us and our loved ones, and the characteristics that he or she display that are clearly not in our best interests, we are setting ourselves up for failure. I have been in that place where I chose blind love and I really felt like I was in love with the person. I saw these people they way I wanted to see them and not for who they really were. You know, there is quote that says, “When someone tells you who they are, believe them!” No, blind love doesn’t believe in that. Blind love believes that one human being can love another human being hard enough to make significant changes that really only God can make. This is the type of love that usually leads to heartbreak and bitterness. Then, it becomes difficult to find a place between blind (and sometimes deaf) love and bitter contempt. When the people you love without abandon hurt you, it is not easy to feel like risking your heart again. As much as love can distort your vision, pain can destroy your vision. And, the distressing result of the contempt end of the spectrum is that it does not always limit itself to the person with whom you attribute the wound. Sometimes, the damage can be so severe that it affects everyone that you have ever loved or trusted. There has to be somewhere in the middle where we are not completely gullible in the face of romance or completely gutted in the face of rejection. Think about how God loves. He loves unconditionally, but there is a difference between unconditional love and blind love. God allows us to make our own choices for which there are consequences. We can be obedient and reap the benefits of being obedient. Or, we can be disobedient and face the results of our actions. God does not turn a blind eye to our faults, nor does He throw them in our faces; He allows us the opportunity to grow in Him. When we turn our backs on Him, He is says, “I’m still here.” He doesn’t walk away, but He doesn’t necessarily give chase or stalk us or hunt us down like we sometimes do to those we claim to love. He says, “I stand at the door and knock.” If we do not answer that is our choice. God does not burst through the door and drag us out kicking and screaming, singing, “And I am tell you…you’re gonna love Me!” He wants us to give a freewill offering of love. That is the difference between unconditional love and blind love. When we enter into a relationship with anyone, they have a place on our love spectrum. We have to ask, “Where is the love?" And, then be honest with the answer. If you are a Christian, you are commanded to love one another, so we should have agape love for everyone, but sometimes that is where it stops. Do not try to force a relationship into philia or eros for the sake of not being lonely. Trying to love someone in a way that is not meant for that relationship can be very damaging not only to the current relationship, but to future relationships. Ms. EV |
About Ms. EVWhen you have elevated values, it is not about being snobby; it is about living victoriously! Archives
March 2016
Categories
All
Copyright Notice© Toni L. Wortherly and Ms. EV's Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Toni Wortherly and Ms. EV's Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Ms. EV's Blog by Toni L. Wortherly is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. |