Now, that I have your attention. It is not what you think, so stop judging. I didn’t secretly get married, I don’t have a baby daddy and I didn’t get artificially inseminated. It is an immaculate conception of sorts; a great expectation. Within me, there is a dream. And the longer it takes for that dream to be realized, the larger my expectations become. I have become enlarged in waiting. Though, the devil would like to use this waiting to attack my relationship with God, His love for me and mine for Him, our relationship is not diminished by the wait. In fact, our relationship grows deeper due to the wait. I cannot see what God has planned for my life, but my hope is in Him.
Like a mother waiting to give birth, I have good days and bad days. Some days, I feel beautiful and glowing and some days, I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person in front of me. Some days, I see the dream within as an awesome miracle, and some days, I feel that this dream within is a burden that I’m not sure I can bear. Some days, I have incredible energy and some days, I feel like I can’t go on any longer. Nevertheless, with each day that passes, though my flesh may break down, my spirit becomes stronger. My faith is stronger. My love for God is stronger. I can’t see what He is doing, but I know that He is in control and I just want to be used by Him. And, when the day of deliverance comes, my waiting will only increase my joy. Ms. EV These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Romans 8:23-25 (MSG)
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Part of growing up is learning to rejoice in the successes in the lives of others and having empathy for the pain in the lives of others. The latter part of that can sometimes come more naturally than the former. If you have a heart, it is not very difficult to feel sorry for someone. It is natural to share in the pain, offer your shoulder, give words of comfort and just be there for that person. When we have compassion towards another person, it often gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling. We feel needed, useful, like we have a purpose.
Sharing in the joys is a little more difficult. It shouldn’t be, but we are human, and sometimes, we may genuinely feel excited for a friend’s good fortune, while, at the same time, we feel somehow slighted. She has so much and I want so little, so why does everything seem to go her way? She doesn’t even want more kids and she’s pregnant…She doesn’t even want a man in her life, but she has one pining for her…When will it be my turn? Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one who feels just a twinge of bitterness when these situations arise. But, I am a growing work in progress, so if this isn’t for you, then please just indulge me for minute while I step on my own toes. I once heard that the difference between bitter and better is the “I” involved. The reason that bitter feelings arise for me is because I am only concerned with me, myself and I. It is because I am being selfish and unappreciative. But, when I look at all of the things I have to be grateful for rather than the things for which I am longing, I become better. I just feel better. When I take the focus off of me (and that right there is a challenge), and place the focus on what God has for me and has done for me, bitterness cannot stay. I’m not saying that it makes you a bad person if you fall into a momentary period of bitterness; just don’t stay there. And, that includes proceeding to beat yourself up about feeling that way. Instead, do a little ABC exercise. Acknowledge that the appropriate response is to delight in what God does for others (1 Corinthians 12:26). Bounce your thoughts onto those things that are pure, true, holy, just, and noble (Philippians 4:8-9).Count your blessings, name them, write them down, and thank God for them (Psalm 100:4). Be better, not bitter. Ms. EV It is not a secret that waiting is not something that I am particularly fond of doing. Yet, I do wait. I know what it is like to take matters into my own hands and try to “help God” when it seems like He’s taking too long to give me what I want. In my life, the results were disastrous, a failed marriage riddled with infidelity and cruelty, and those things were not one-sided. I made a choice to move forward with my plan of marriage to the person I assumed would be the last person to ever ask me for my hand. Surely, God’s will was that I not be alone and that I marry rather than burn with lustful desires. Surely, God wanted me to be someone’s help meet. But, what was taking Him so long? I had already graduated from college and started working towards my career goals. Pretty soon, I would be old, unwanted and barren. After all, I was 21. Yes, you read that right. I was 21 and I felt like I was destined for spinsterhood if I did not marry immediately. I had only had two real boyfriends and they were hard to come by, so the chances of having someone else love me enough to marry me were slim to none. I imagine that this is what Sarah felt like when she decided to have Abraham bear a child with Hagar. She knew the promise, but felt like God needed her help to make it happen.
As I write it, it seems so ridiculous; especially, now that I am 34 and divorced with no children. Now, would be the time for the “you’re never going to have kids” panic attack. And, I’m not going to lie and say I don’t get those on occasion. Nonetheless, God has been so faithful in fulfilling His promises in my life, and, as I have grown in Him, I have come to realize that the best thing to do is wait on Him. Everything God does is purposeful, in His timing and for my own good. He is also so merciful, that everything I do to “try to help” is turned into a blessing, just like He did for Sarah and Hagar. In the case of my failed marriage, it serves as a reminder to wait on God no matter how hard that can be. The situation also drew me closer to God into the most intimate and fulfilling relationship I will ever have. So, now I’m cured! I don’t want a husband or kids! NOT! I still have those desires, which lets me know that in His time, they will be fulfilled because He promised to give me the desires of my heart, IF I delight myself in Him (Psalm 37:4) and to add all the treasures I need to my life, IF I seek His Kingdom first (Matthew 6:33-34). So, I am waiting on Him. I have good, patient days and I have rough, flesh-battling days, but the former outnumber the latter, which is a blessing. I’m trusting in God because He has my best in mind. Ms. EV I walked into a room to speak with a colleague and before I knew it, the room was filled with people venting about our job. They talked about changes that are in progress. They talked about changes that are being considered. They talked about changes that aren’t even being considered yet. It was very depressing, especially considering that I was finally starting to feel comfortable about my career decision. I was finally confident that God had reassured me that I am right where He directed me and where He placed me. But, everything around me looks so grim, so uncertain, so scary…. I imagine that this is what Joseph felt like when he was in a pit being sold off by his brothers. Or, when he had finally earned his spot in Potiphar’s house, only to be accused of rape by Potiphar’s wife, and thrown in jail. These are the times, the grim, uncertain, scary times, when the devil wants us to doubt that God placed us where we are. He whispers, “A loving God wouldn’t put you in a situation where you’re uncomfortable and frightened.” He preys on our vulnerabilities. But, GOD… God will lead us right back to His Word and in that Word, we can see that God was with Joseph and the darkest of circumstances worked out for Joseph’s good. What’s more is that God promised that He will work everything out for the good of those who love Him. So, if I love Him and I trust Him, there is no need to fear. No, the situations and circumstances are not fun and can be unnerving, but the God I serve is my source, not my employer, not my family, not my friends, but God. Because God [is] with [me]; whatever [I do] God [will make] sure it work[s] out for the best. (Genesis 39:23). Ms. EV I am always saying, as an excuse, “Oh, I thought it, but I didn’t say it.” In fact, those very words came out of my mouth yesterday. I was dealing with a co-worker with whom there is no love lost, and I thought about saying all kinds of things to him, but I was so proud that the thoughts did not escape my lips. But, as I read Philippians 4:8 this morning, I was convicted. Though I didn’t say anything I thought, it was clear that my thoughts were fixated on the situation because I shared it with my mother and another co-worker (boasting how proud I was of myself for not going off on the guy). Until today, I had always read that verse and thought, “How exactly am I supposed to do this?” How do we fix our thoughts? I mean, you can’t control what you think. However, we can control what influences our thoughts and the thoughts upon which we fixate our minds.
As I grow closer to Christ, I have realized that the thoughts I have are more true, honorable, right, pure, lovely and admirable. They are not perfect; they are still a work in progress, but they are closer. And, what about those nasty thoughts? We have to be careful. You cannot control what you think, but you can control how long you think about it and what you do or say about it. For example, I have a terrible habit of anticipating bad things, and then, dwelling on them, trying to come up with solutions before I ever face a problem. Like, every year, I anticipate being depressed from Thanksgiving to Valentine’s Day. I am single, a lot of money is spent, and although I love the time with my family, at the end of the day, I have no human waiting for me at home. It can be very sad. This past year was no exception, and to add to it, I was dealing with the fact that my grandmother would not be here because she passed away earlier in the year. I planned different activities to do to keep my mind off of being alone, but each time I didn’t do one of the activities, I became even more depressed. Then, on New Year’s Eve, when I had nothing to do and no one to go anywhere with, I decided to stop destroying my victorious life with defeated thoughts. I was not going to anticipate heartache and failure, but joy and success. “Fix your thoughts” indicates that your thoughts may be broken, but there is a solution and that solution is found in an intimate and expectant relationship with Christ. Again, it is a work in progress, but my God works all things together for my good. So, I will fix my thoughts on Him, and trust that He will see me through. Ms. EV Before I ever even met him, I was not his biggest fan. That is what happens when you upset someone in my family. I think I can handle people messing with me much better than I can handle people messing with those closest to me. I thought of what I would say when I got the opportunity. I wanted to be sure he knew that his behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated, but I also needed to remain professional. So, the opportunity finally arose for me to speak my peace. And, as much as my flesh wanted to be snarky and rude, I found that all I could do was to be cordial.
It was almost as if I was having an out-of-body experience. Here I was looking at myself sitting across from someone having a pleasant conversation after four days of imagining that I would tear him apart verbally the first chance I got. Even my friends could not believe what they were witnessing. If this had happened last year, oh wait, something very similar did happen last year. And though I did not resort to tongue lashing, I made it abundantly clear to the person and anyone who was listening that I am not someone you want to cross. I was angry. At one point in that situation, I was angered to tears. And, every time I saw the person who upset one of my boys, I was seething with wrath. Well, this time, I did not want it to get to that point. So, I prayed. I was still angry. I prayed some more. I was still angry. I was still angry when this guy sat down near me. In my head, I had my speech all ready. But then, the spirit took over. It was definitely a “where I am weak, He is strong” moment because I felt totally powerless as I smiled (genuinely), extended my hand, and introduced myself. One of my friends, who did a double-take as she passed by and observed the interaction, asked me what happened. I said, “I don’t want to be angry anymore; I did that last year.” She told me that is called growth. I said, “Well, if you’re not growing then what is the point?” I am not proud of my mistakes, but I talk about them to show that as I grow closer to God, He makes me a better person. As I seek more of Him, He makes me more like Him. When you accept Christ as your Savior, you become a new creature. Yes, you are going to Heaven, but if God does not take you there immediately, how will you live on this Earth? Will you keep the status quo? Or will you allow God to help you grow? Though what Christ gave we can never repay; we can still choose to grow and obey. Ms. EV I am a professional sleeper. I have been taking naps pretty consistently since high school and anyone who knows me knows that a nap is a part of my daily routine. As a matter of fact, earlier today, a colleague told me that my former students asked him to post notes online and he was unsure of how to do it. They replied, “Ms. [EV] knows how to do it!” To which, he responded, “That’s because she takes naps!” I am not really sure what my napping habit has to do with my computer talents, but it shows that even my colleagues know that I am no stranger to dozing off each afternoon.
I enjoy naps because I find them to be refreshing. On a workday, I get up very early, so by the middle of the day, I am very tired. My family and closest friends know that, generally, I cannot be reached between 4PM and 6PM. I put my phone on silent, put my sleep mask on to block out the light, get cozy on the couch or in my bed, and I zone out. Sometimes I fall completely asleep and other times I just lay there and recharge. But, once I wake up, I can think more clearly again, I am in a good mood, and I can accomplish whatever other tasks lie ahead. On days when I do not get a nap, I am either cranky or deliriously silly, so let’s just say I am not at my best. As much as I appreciate naps, I have an even greater appreciation for the fact that I serve a God who never dozes off. Psalm 121 says that God never sleeps or slumbers. He doesn’t even “get in a couple of winks” here and there. He is constantly and consistently holding the world in the palm of His hands. I am so grateful that He does not feel the need to shut me out everyday for a couple of hours, so that He can recharge. Instead, He is there for me every, single time I need Him. Just pause for a moment and think of how awesome that is! I love my family and my friends, but there are some times, no matter how much they love me, that they just cannot be there for me. I am sure that others have experienced this. Maybe, late at night, you feel a sudden attack of sadness. Or, perhaps, early in the morning, you start having a bout with anxiety. Sometimes we cannot call others because it is too late or too early. Sometimes, we cannot call others because they just will not understand the issue. In those times, and at all times, it is a blessing to know that we can call on the name of Jesus. These moments are the moments when I realize that God should be my first resort and not my last resort. I realize that I need to depend on Him and trust in Him because, though He can use others as a resource in my life, He is the Source of my life. So, I am glad that He does not sleep, nor does He slumber. I am ecstatic that He is not just an on-time God, but an all-the-time God. Because He never dozes off, I can rest in peace on this side of Heaven. Resting in the midst of tests, trials and storms is a form of worship. It shows God that you truly believe He can handle every situation that is presented in this life. So, go ahead and take a nap, or, if you are not a nap person, at least get a full night of sleep; God is awake, alert, and able to take care of you. Ms. EV Even though growing up, all I ever dreamed of was becoming an attorney, I very quickly realized that it was not the career for me. Because my life had been so geared toward that goal, it was then that I really had to start listening to God’s promptings. And, I was not always great at listening. Nonetheless, when you are faced with the fact that you no longer have the one consistent desire that you have had for most of your life, the best and safest place to turn is to God. So, I prayed. Lord, show me the right career. Lord, give me the financial stability and freedom that I need. Lord, bless me with a family of my own.
Each and everyday, I would pray to God for what I wanted. There is nothing wrong with asking God for your desires. He encourages us to ask, to seek, and to knock. I truly believe that my current career is where God wants me to be. However, the road is not always easy. Every year, as with almost every other industry, the game is changed. There are more and different demands, sometimes with less incentive and one really has to examine the true motivation behind the work. Last year, in the midst of anger, I made a decision to give up a source of income. Before I notified my superiors of my decision, I prayed and sought after God because I have learned not to make rash decisions out of anger and not to make any decision before I pray about it. Though I made the decision, it took two months of praying and listening before I announced the decision. And, I feel that I listened and it was the right thing to do. Still, the enemy wants to cause confusion and second guessing. As I said, this particular venture was a source of income; not a significant amount of income, but something extra. I realized that the time I was spending on this job could be spent pursuing the passions that God has placed in me, which would lead to a more joyful and peaceful existence created by a blissful balance of work and play. I started to record music, continued to write, and took on some catering and coordinating jobs, which are all things that I love to do. But, the things that I love to do aren’t replacing the little extra that I was making. I thought that there would be another opportunity that would not take up much time, but provide me with extra income; however that does not seem to be a possibility anymore. So, the devil wants me to start questioning whether or not I made the right decision. And, I give him credit because he is good at his job. He knows to throw in, “Now, you’re not just a lonely spinster, but you’re going to lose what little luxury you could afford. The only thing that made being alone bearable was that you could afford to treat yourself.” I will admit that I was letting him win. Then, I went and grabbed some of my notes that I keep around the house when I need inspiration. The first two things I read didn’t seem to speak to the current issue, but then I saw a quote that I copied from my dad’s “Courageous” calendar. It said, “I used to ask God for all kinds of things; now, I just ask for God and He takes care of all things.” The beauty of being His child is that I know He will provide. I do not need to seek the provision; I only need to seek the face of the Provider. I know I listened. Even though, I thought I was making a decision because of hurt feelings, when it came down to it, I believe that God allowed things to become uncomfortable, so that I would free myself up to be used by Him. I know that God is faithful and He knows my every need and He has NEVER failed me. So, I choose to ask for more of Him, to seek Him, and to knock at His door, knowing He will take care of ALL things! Ms. EV At a panel discussion this weekend, the topic was about moving from circumstance into purpose. Though, I was a guest on the panel, I spent a lot of time listening to the other speakers and it really made me to a look at my life. Many times people struggle with finding their purpose in life. When, I was younger, I remember asking God to show me my purpose. I actually even, at times, felt bad because I did not know my purpose. It wasn’t until just a few months ago that I had some clarity about purpose.
My understanding in reading the Bible is that God’s people were created to praise and to please Him. As such, we all have the same ultimate purpose. Once we know this, then our question becomes, “How do I live in that purpose?” This is where goals come into play. See, for me, I always looked at the goals as the purpose. I would get an idea of what to do with my life, pursue that idea and accomplish it. Then, I could check it off my list of things I achieved in life. But, on the other side of the feat, I would still feel empty. And, I did not understand why I felt so barren when I was fulfilling my purpose. What I did not realize was that those accomplishments were not the purpose. They were meant to be goals within the purpose of praising and pleasing God. However, when I took them out of that purpose and pursued the goals because I wanted recognition for how phenomenal I am, they became unsatisfying. I expected there to be a finish line for my purpose. I thought that there was some thing that I would do and it would satiate me. In fact, purpose is ongoing. There is not a finish line. So, we must choose to live everyday on purpose. We must choose to live a live that is pleasing to God and gives praise for all that He has done. It is not about yelling out hallelujahs; it is about living out your hallelujah. It is about using the gifts that God has blessed you with to be a testimony for Him all the time. If you can turn those talents into your business ministry and your focus is on Kingdom building, that is fantastic. But, you are no less living on purpose, should you choose to work for someone else and be a light, a shining example of the goodness of God. The important thing to remember is that children of God were created for the same purpose, but there are many different ways of fulfilling that purpose. God is so awesome that He gave each of us a different, but important function in the Body of Christ. He did not make us all cookie-cutter people. Our purpose is an everyday journey, not a destination. Yes, we meet goals along the way, but the purpose does not end when we meet a goal. And, the accomplishment of a goal is not so that we can show how great we are, but so that God’s greatness can be revealed. So, live on purpose and be grateful for and take advantage of the wealth of opportunities each day to praise and please God. I have found that living on purpose is much more rewarding than checking accomplishments off of a list. Ms. EV When I was writing Pray While You’re Prey, I was at a very peaceful place in my life. I was living within God’s will for my life, trusting Him and obeying His commands for my life and my testimony. Vulnerabilities and intimate details of my life, that would normally be sacred, became my stepping stone to reach out to others. God helped me use my idiosyncrasies and indiscretions to try to help others avoid the pitfalls that I had experienced in my life. Naturally, because I read the Bible, I felt that because I was delighting myself in the Lord, that He would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). …How could my desires and God’s plan for my life be so different?
I have not heard an audible reason as to why I’m still single and why I’m not a best-selling author and internationally sought-after speaker, but if I had to put what the Spirit is revealing to me into words, it would go something like this: “Your wish is not God’s command, Ms. EV. Guess what? He doesn’t answer every prayer with ‘yes.’ Sometimes He says ‘wait,’ and sometimes, He says ‘no.’ You cannot expect God to bless you with His unlimited power when you are still limiting Him to your ‘wishes’ and not yielding to His will. God is not a superhero to swoop in and save the day after you have landed yourself in a mess. You cannot just send up your beacon of praise in times of trouble and expect Him to rearrange your circumstance to make you more comfortable. Quite frankly, dear, the bottom line is that God cannot begin to bless you beyond your imagination until you acknowledge that no matter what, God is enough for you.” His plan is to lead me into my best life. My plan was for Him to give me what I want because I thought that’s what I needed to do His will. Amazingly, God knows more about what I need than I do. He knows what is around every corner. He knows the best timing for every aspect of my life. Case in point, as a child I always wanted to play basketball, but I never made a team. I even got mad at God for denying me a dream. However, a few years ago, I found out that I was born with a condition in my knees, and had I played basketball during middle and high school, I would have had to have my knees replaced. God knew that and I didn’t, but He protected me, even while I was mad at Him. God also cannot reveal everything to me all at one time because it would blow my mind and I might not take the road He has prepared for me. For example, if I had known that I would become a teacher, I am not sure that I would have ever gone to law school. But law school gave me an invaluable skill set, which includes presentation, critical thinking and writing skills that make me a better teacher. Imagine what God can and will do when I accept where I am in life, and let God be God. One of my favorite sayings now is, “We plan and God laughs.” He can laugh because His Word says, “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) So what if I am single forever? Ms. EV |
About Ms. EVWhen you have elevated values, it is not about being snobby; it is about living victoriously! Archives
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