A couple of weeks ago, I realized that it had been four years; four years since I chose man over God and tried to win back the man I thought was the love of my life with the only weapon I felt I had: my body. That encounter launched a much deeper warfare than the one I thought I was fighting. God is very clear that if you are not married, you are not to engage in sexual activity. But, I don’t know if we truly understand the consequences of an act of sexual defiance as a single person. It is not just about not getting pregnant or not contracting a disease, this is about our spiritual well-being.

I will always regret my decision to forego my plans of remaining pure for marriage and begin a physically intimate relationship that I was not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually ready to handle. The chasm that was opened by that one decision led to years of feeling empty and searching for a man to fill a void, using whatever tactics I deemed to be necessary. This led to my marriage to the wrong person at the wrong time and my subsequent divorce. Then, after a brief fit a rebellion after my divorce, I thought I had a handle on the situation. I made a deliberate choice of abstinence. And, I was confident in my decision. I was seeing life more clearly and enjoying my relationship with Christ more fully until I met someone who talked about marriage and children on the first date.

After establishing a relationship with him that I thought was bound to last forever, I turned my back on the promises I had made to God and I resumed old habits. Looking back, I think I fought so hard for that relationship because I did not want my defiance to be in vain. It was as if I felt like if we got married, then everything we did before we got married didn’t count anymore. But, we didn’t get married. And, I was crushed once again by the very same weight of guilt and shame that God tries to keep us from experiencing when He says to wait until marriage.

Many times we view sex as a “little” sin; it is, according to our rationalizations a victimless crime, so to speak. The last four years of abstinence were not the result of a dry spell. I have not dated anyone or been in a relationship, but that does not mean that I have not had the opportunity to make a poor decision. I mean, no offense, but I am kind of hot and if I wanted it, I could get it. As many times as I have messed up, I feel that I finally understand why God makes this command. He is not trying to hold something beautiful back from us. If you will wait on Him to send you the right person, once you are married, you will get to experience the true beauty of a physically intimate relationship. I am not going to say that it is an easy choice, but it is the right one. And, thank God, when I am struggling, He gives me encouragement through Scripture that helps me stay the course:

“There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.” 1 Corinthians 6:16-20 (The Message)

Choose to obey God. That is never the wrong choice. Ms. EV

I watch television; probably more than I should. I watch both scripted and "non-scripted" (reality) television. Last night, my best friend asked me if I was watching a certian show that we both watch. I had plans to watch it later, but her issue with the show was so urgent that she stayed up to wait until I finished watching so that we could discuss how we felt about the topic of the show. The show seemed as if it was going to address the very serious issue of celibacy and how abstinence can help one regain focus so as to not fall into the wrong types of relationships. While I did not expect that the show would address the fact that abstinence for unmarried people is an act of obedience to God, I did expect the show to treat it more seriously.

Instead, just before the last commercial break, one character stated that the women who were committed to celibacy were not having relationship issues because of sex, but because they were flawed. He continued to say that if oneof the women wanted her boyfriend to marry her, then she should just ask him instead of waiting for him to ask. And, that's when I heard the sound of car brakes in my head...SCREEEEEEECH! Hold on just one cotton-picking minute! A woman should ask what? That is a lie from the pits of hell. This was the part that my best friend wanted to get my reaction about. And she asked me to address it here, so I am. Let me say this loud and clear, NO WOMAN HAS ANY BUSINESS ASKING A MAN TO MARRY HER! That is most certainly not what God intended. The Bible says the HE who finds a WIFE finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). I am all for empowerment and enrichment. I believe that women can have big dreams and achieve goals just as well as men, but there are some circumstances of life in which we, women, need to know how to stay in our own lane. This is one of them. God designed the household, so that the man could lead. Now, if he is leading you down a path that is clearly not Godly, then your first allegiance is to God, but if he is Godly, let him lead.

One of the other shows I watch is Dancing with the Stars. In the episode last night, one of the female professional dancers said that the greatest thing about her partner was that he had learned how to lead her. Once, he was able to do that, she was able to dance more freely and they scored higher scores and did more challenging dances, and now they are in the finals. It is the same thing in life. One of the lessons that I learned from my marriage is that there is a  natural order of things. if you treat a man like a man, he will act like a man. If you treat a man like a baby, he will act like a baby. On the radio ths morning, a question was posed to listeners about whether or not men look for women who have the same attributes as their mothers. One caller said that men do want the good attributes from their mothers, but they do not need another mother.  I know that society might cast you as a spinster if you are single for too long. I know that you think he is just afraid to ask and he needs a little push. Resist that urge. Do you really want to marry someone who felt pressured into marrying you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who thought it was cool that you asked him for his hand in marriage? I am sorry, but I am royalty and I don't remember any of the princesses in the fairytales getting down on one knee. What are we going to do next start buying our own engagement rings?

I am saying all of this out of love. I don't write anything in this blog that is not a reminder or a checkpoint for myself. Yes, we are strong. Yes, we are invincible. Yes, we are women. Nevertheless, God created specific roles for mankind, and one of his mandates for relationships is that if you are equally yoked with a Godly man, you should let him lead (See Ephesians). If you are single, let God lead (See the Bible) . Remember that obedience is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 15:22). Living and loving God's way will lead to relationships beyond anything you can imagine. God's way involves abstinence for the singles and submission for married (men & women, see Ephesians). So, know your role and let him lead, so you can dance freely. Ms. EV