When I was writing Pray While You’re Prey, I was at a very peaceful place in my life. I was living within God’s will for my life, trusting Him and obeying His commands for my life and my testimony. Vulnerabilities and intimate details of my life, that would normally be sacred, became my stepping stone to reach out to others. God helped me use my idiosyncrasies and indiscretions to try to help others avoid the pitfalls that I had experienced in my life. Naturally, because I read the Bible, I felt that because I was delighting myself in the Lord, that He would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). …How could my desires and God’s plan for my life be so different?
In recent years, God has been showing me through the actions of others toward me, exactly how I treat Him. God has allowed me to be used for my talents and abilities by people. And in my rants about how why anyone would be so inconsiderate, God quietly reveals to my spirit that I use Him and sometimes have the nerve to try to manipulate Him into giving me what I want. God has allowed me to be left out by people with whom I thought I had a close relationship. And while tears ran down my face at the audacity of people making me feel like I don’t belong or I am not good enough, God reveals that I choose to leave Him behind all the time.
He has shown me how painful and destructive disobedience can be by allowing me to experience how much it hurts when people are disobedient to my wishes or hurtful towards me. If I cannot stand seeing the people I love being swallowed up by sin—with what seems to be no desire to change their situations—even in situations where the sin is not directed at me, I can only imagine how God feels when I, His daughter, His friend, am disobedient. And, to top it off, my sin is directed at Him. Every time I sin, I am saying, “God, your commands aren’t good enough to follow.” Every time I engage in behavior that is not pleasing to Him, I am saying, “God, you’re not my friend who is looking out for my best interests.” Every time I don’t stand up for God, I am exhibiting the same exact behavior that brings me to my knees, feeling sorry for myself. I cannot even begin to count how many times my sin has said to God, “I don’t need You.” Or, “I don’t trust that doing things Your way is the best way.” Or, “I don’t believe that You are who You say You are.”
God has also allowed me to experience both unrequited love and loving people more than they love me. God has shown me in these situations that I often say and do whatever I have to gain His favor, but my heart is not in the right place. He has also shown me how it feels to Him when I don’t appreciate all that He has done for me. He has shown me how it feels when I don’t praise Him. He has shown me how it feels when He gives me His best and I don’t give my best in return. God has shown me how it feels when He is not enough for me.
God wants me to desire Him, not His characteristics or His revelations, but just to desire Him for who He is. He has the same desire for His relationship with me that I have in my relationships with other people. When I love people, I want the person that I am to be enough. I love God, but I don’t always show Him that His person, not just His personality, is enough for me.
So, it leaves me to ponder if I would be willing to reveal my innermost thoughts and plans to someone if I felt that they had no interest in me, but were just using me for what I could do for them. Would I be willing to give my best to someone who is only giving me just enough to keep me hanging on, but is not fully committed to me? I would and have turned away from people who have done that to me, but God is too gracious and too merciful to give up or turn His back on me. He simply continues to pursue my heart and wait for me to come to my senses. (Revelation 3:20) He also helps me deal with the consequences that I have brought upon myself through my actions. Ms. EV