In case you can’t tell, I love the music by the Hawkins family. One of my favorites is, “Never Alone.” So, my mom and dad were out of town on vacation last week, and I always have a little separation anxiety when they leave town, but it’s getting better. (Yes, I know I am 35 and yes, I know that’s not normal). Anyway, the song, “Never Alone,” has been on my heart today. I think that God is reminding me that even though, my parents go out of town, and they may not answer the phone when I call, He is always there. The song says, “Never alone, I don’t have to worry ‘cause I’m never alone. He walks beside me all the way. He guides my footsteps every day.”
That statement is so reassuring, and it’s in the Bible as well. He says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” God is with me in every moment of joy, sorrow, victory, defeat, happiness, hopelessness. No matter who in my life is unavailable, God is right by me. I don’t have to feel alone or insecure because He is there. I can’t see Him, but I know He’s there. And, on some occasions, when I am really down, I have asked Him to help me feel His Presence, and within mere moments, I either literally feel as though I am being embraced or I feel a peace that passes all understanding. It doesn’t make you crazy to talk to God when you have no one else to talk to; it is crazy to try to talk to everyone else before you talk to Him. If it makes you feel nuts to talk to Him out loud, write it down. Ask Him to hug you, to hold you, to help you know He is there. He will answer. Being single is not easy if it is not what you would choose for your life at the time. Lately, people have been mentioning things that lead me to believe I am making it look easy to be single and childless in your thirties. Praise God that it appears that way; it is still a daily battle, but I finally feel like I am beyond my hissy-fit stage of singleness in which I constantly whine about it. I have moved on to acceptance of God’s plan because God is still faithful in the hard aspects of life. He knows what’s best for my life. What makes it easy to get to this place of security is that I know I might get lonely, but I am never alone. So, I am choosing to trust Him. Never again will I be insecure anymore…Never again. He walks beside me all the way. He guides my footsteps every day. Ms. EV
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I am beginning to feel that I am being too nice. I have been a people-pleaser. I have even been a doormat. I have purposely tried to find balance between being those things and being intolerably mean because for a lot of my life I did not see that there could be a middle ground. But, apparently lately I am erring too much on the side of nice because people are feeling as though they can say and do anything around me, which is not true. As a teacher especially, it is tricky to find a balance. Please don’t misunderstand me. Not being liked by students does not bother me at all. They are teenagers and they change their minds about who and what they like as often as they change their clothes. I do have a problem when I feel disrespected.
In my professional and personal life, I try to make other peoples’ lives easier. If I have knowledge to impart or experience to share, I am willing to give of myself. Sometimes I have done this to the point of being an enabler. I also do not believe in making things difficult for no reason; however, there are some lessons that need to be learned by the person and I cannot let them have the easy way out, but other times, I choose my battles. Recently, today in fact, I have seen that the reaction by several of my students to my kindness is to mistake it for weakness. Because they are grasping for boundaries, they try to see how much they can get away with before they have a consequence. The cute part is when they act surprised when there is a consequence. I have also seen in some of my friends that because I do not cram my beliefs down their throats, they feel that they can say anything in front of me. Jesus was meek, but He also braided a whip and flipped tables in the Temple. I do not enjoy getting angry, but I do. In fact, my usual immediate response following anger is to cry because I got angry and it saddens me. Nonetheless, anytime someone demonstrated to me that they believe me to be weak or inept, it results in me getting angry. Is it okay to be a Christian and be mad? I think so. It is how we handle our anger that is important. Humility and meekness are difficult traits to learn and they are made even more difficult when people feel that they can step all over you. I feel that this is one of the subtle sufferings of Christians. It is something that doesn’t seem like it would be innately difficult, but it truly is difficult. The good news is that I know it is not impossible. I am going to pray for God’s guidance in how to remain meek and gentle, while still showing that I deserve and require respect. I know that meek does not equal weak, docile does not equal doormat. I just need to know how to help others realize the same thing. I would love to hear your thoughts. Ms. EV This Friday's Fusion features a performance of Toni LaShaun from the Main Stage at the Landing in Jacksonville last week. The performance features, Don't You Worry, Soul Satisfaction, and Little Sister. Enjoy! Ms. EV I was preparing for bed the other night and my cat, Joy Bella, came into the restroom. She looked up at the counter, and then, looked at me. I pushed some items out of her way. Then, she sized up the counter again and hopped up on the counter. Her leap was so graceful and elegant. She does this all of the time, but that night, for whatever reason, I was amazed by it.
You see, Joy looked at the challenge (getting on the counter). She asked for help the remove the obstacle (my stuff was in the way of her safe landing). Then, she went for it! In that moment, I wished that I would have the courage that she displayed. Once, she knew that there was nothing to impede her progress, she jumped. When she jumps, it is as if she knows every time that she will land right where she is supposed to be. I, on the other, see a challenge. I try to avoid the challenge or deal with the challenge on my own. I do not like to admit that I might need help. Then, even if the obstacle is removed, sometimes I still tell myself all of the reasons that I cannot or do not deserve to reach my goal. Even though I have prayer and preparation on my side, I am sometimes still afraid to take the leap. It should be just the opposite. Because I know that God is with me, all of my leaps of faith should be effortless. That is not to say there will be no challenges once I leap. That is not to say that I should put myself in a bad position that is not the desire that God has for my life. What I am saying is that I should freely face the challenge and take the next step know that God is in control. If He is the one who told me to step out on faith and I am obedient, then there may be obstacles, but nothing will go wrong. So, what is it that you need to trust God for today? Whatever it is, I challenge you (and me) to LEAP!!! Ms. EV Back in the day, on MADtv, there was a sketch called, "Lowered Expectations." It was a series of vignettes featuring what seemed to be the world's most undateable people. The premise of the sketch was that you called this hotline to meet someone, basically, after you have given up on your dream mate.
Well, there have been times in my life when I have been tempted to lower my expectations. As a matter of fact, there have been times when I have been begged to compromise my standards. I am 35, single (divorced) and childless, so it might seem logical to some that lowering my expectations might yield better results in my love life. But, here's the thing, my expectations are high because I know who I am and I know WHOSE I am. I am a daughter of the Most High God. Any man, who is meant to be with me, has to love me in the way that my Father does. And, He has to meet the standards that my Father has set. This is not a trivial matter of a list of qualities I prefer in a mate (although, I want those, too). And, honestly, as long as I have waited, I will hold out for what I desire because my Father promised me that He would give me the desires of my heart. Furthermore, this extends beyond dating and relationships. I will not lower my expectations for God's movement as it concerns any of my dreams: marriage, family, or career. Just because something does not pan out the way I envision, it doesn't mean that I should give up on God and lower my expectations. What it does mean is that what I wanted was not the best for me and I need to press in to God and expect even greater things to happen in ways that I could never imagine because His thoughts and ways are so much higher than mine! Do not EVER let anyone tell you to compromise, settle, or lower your expectations. God will do what He said He will do and He will BLOW YOUR MIND...hang on in there!!! Ms. EV I got a lot of fantastic and encouraging comments last week while I was showcasing my music at One Spark. But, the comment that had the most impact, and was spoken by more than one person was, "It's about time!" The context was different each time that the words were spoken, but, even though it sounds a bit like a dig, it was always encouragement.
For some, the statement meant that they were excited that I had finally gotten up off of God's gifts and started to do something with it. I have been singing since I was a teenager and writing since my late teens/early twenties. When I got out of college, I tried to do a couple of demos with some pop/R & B songs I had written. It did not work out. A little while later, I was invited to a gospel music conference where I one of my favorite gospel artists of all time and worked with another very successful gospel artist. I made a lot of contacts, but I still did not advance in my singer/songwriter career. A few years after that, my computer crashed. I lost all of my music, plays, poems, except for the hard copies of the music I had taken to the gospel conference. Since I didn't feel like my book was successful, and I had lost most of my hard work, I felt like God was telling me that this was not what He had for me. I quit. And, for about two years, the music stopped. Then, my grandmother passed away and I was in a pretty deep depression. At my lowest point, I thought about how disappointed she would be if I let grief take me out. So, one night, I decided that I no longer had any excuses. I always said that no one would listen to my songs because they had no accompaniment, so I bought a guitar. I used money as an excuse for not recording, so I saved up money to record one song at a time. I used the fact that I could not get signed or published as an excuse, so I started this blog for my writing, and I copyright and publish my own music for now. It's about time! It's about time I stopped letting excuses keep me from walking in the gifts that God has given me. It's about time that I took advantage of opportunities to spread the Gospel through music and writing. It's about time I started believing that my God is able to do just what needs to be done in my life for His purpose and glory. It's about time! Ms. EV I am a professional sleeper. I have been taking naps pretty consistently since high school and anyone who knows me knows that a nap is a part of my daily routine. As a matter of fact, earlier today, a colleague told me that my former students asked him to post notes online and he was unsure of how to do it. They replied, “Ms. [EV] knows how to do it!” To which, he responded, “That’s because she takes naps!” I am not really sure what my napping habit has to do with my computer talents, but it shows that even my colleagues know that I am no stranger to dozing off each afternoon.
I enjoy naps because I find them to be refreshing. On a workday, I get up very early, so by the middle of the day, I am very tired. My family and closest friends know that, generally, I cannot be reached between 4PM and 6PM. I put my phone on silent, put my sleep mask on to block out the light, get cozy on the couch or in my bed, and I zone out. Sometimes I fall completely asleep and other times I just lay there and recharge. But, once I wake up, I can think more clearly again, I am in a good mood, and I can accomplish whatever other tasks lie ahead. On days when I do not get a nap, I am either cranky or deliriously silly, so let’s just say I am not at my best. As much as I appreciate naps, I have an even greater appreciation for the fact that I serve a God who never dozes off. Psalm 121 says that God never sleeps or slumbers. He doesn’t even “get in a couple of winks” here and there. He is constantly and consistently holding the world in the palm of His hands. I am so grateful that He does not feel the need to shut me out everyday for a couple of hours, so that He can recharge. Instead, He is there for me every, single time I need Him. Just pause for a moment and think of how awesome that is! I love my family and my friends, but there are some times, no matter how much they love me, that they just cannot be there for me. I am sure that others have experienced this. Maybe, late at night, you feel a sudden attack of sadness. Or, perhaps, early in the morning, you start having a bout with anxiety. Sometimes we cannot call others because it is too late or too early. Sometimes, we cannot call others because they just will not understand the issue. In those times, and at all times, it is a blessing to know that we can call on the name of Jesus. These moments are the moments when I realize that God should be my first resort and not my last resort. I realize that I need to depend on Him and trust in Him because, though He can use others as a resource in my life, He is the Source of my life. So, I am glad that He does not sleep, nor does He slumber. I am ecstatic that He is not just an on-time God, but an all-the-time God. Because He never dozes off, I can rest in peace on this side of Heaven. Resting in the midst of tests, trials and storms is a form of worship. It shows God that you truly believe He can handle every situation that is presented in this life. So, go ahead and take a nap, or, if you are not a nap person, at least get a full night of sleep; God is awake, alert, and able to take care of you. Ms. EV God is truly showing me that He is in control. I think today has truly been a day when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, I have to put my complete faith and trust in Him. I am sitting outside and the weather is gloomy, but I know that even rain comes, even if I have to pack it in and can't be out here because of weather, God's Will will be done. It would be nice to get a piece of the crowdfund that is large enough to do what I desire to do, but, more than that, I want to do what God would have me do. This experience has confirmed that this is the season for my music and I am thankful that I listened this time and am being obedient. God is my Source. There is nothing else to it. He knows exactly what I need. He knows what He wants for my life. He knows how to get it to me. I will follow where He leads
Sorry to leave you hanging yesterday. I was having SO MUCH FUN!!! One Spark is an amazing experience. I am grateful to God for this opportunity to come out of my shell and spread the love of Christ. I will be performing today on a VERY big stage, but I know my God is bigger than anything! If you're in Jacksonville, come see me at the Riverwalk. If you're not able, your prayers are welcomed! Ms. EV
A few months back, I saw a post from a friend about a possible opportunity for my music ministry. At first, I thought that I should not go for it because I was tired of feeling rejected and I could not take one more 'no.' But, the Spirit convicted me for my negative thoughts and convinced me to give it a shot. I filled out a profile. I waited and waited to hear if I was accepted. And, finally, on the last day, in almost the last hour, after a somewhat desperate plea, I got an e-mail saying that I had been accepted as a Creator in the One Spark festival.
If you are not in the Jacksonville area, you may not have heard of this festival. If you are in the Jacksonville area, you may not have heard about it. Slowly, but surely the buzz is building. Signs are up around town. The news is reporting on this unique festival that is slated to be the best thing to happen to Jacksonville since the Super Bowl...and I am a part of it! One Spark brings together creators of art, music, science, technology and allows them to present their creations and compete for a portion of a $250,000 guaranteed fund. I am currently halfway finished with my first CD and I am attending the GMA's IMMERSE conference in May, so just one or two percent of the vote is what I would need to continue to pursue the passion that God placed in my heart. One Spark starts tomorrow and ends on Sunday, so I am not sure if I will be able to blog during the event, but I will do my best to keep all my loyal readers updated whenever I get the chance. I am very excited about this opportunity and God has already shown me that I cannot imagine the doors He will open for my music ministry, so I am giddy with anticipation about what other opportunities may spring forth from this festival. Please pray for me and with me that God's will be done, for awesome weather (as I will be outside), a clear throat for all of my singing opportunities, the safety and security of all Creators, Venues, Sponsors, Volunteers and Attendees, and that I will let go, have fun, and let God! If you are in the Jacksonville area and you want to support me, I will be at the Riverwalk, on the corner of Newnan and Coastline, in a green tent. My project is Toni LaShaun Christian Music. More information is available on the Toni LaShaun Music website. Whether you support me in prayer or in person, thank |
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