I am not really a girly girl. I do not wear makeup, unless I am going to be in a show. I do not really wear or like to buy jewelry. And, because of my above average height, and back and knee issues, I am not a big fan of wearing high heels, but I know how to look good when I walk out of the door. I do have a couple of beauty rituals that show my girly side, like the occasional mani/pedi and facial. I think every girl has her own individual beauty regimen (and some guys do too, but that’s a conversation for another day). I remember, back in the day, when my BFF and I would get ready to go out, there would always be some part of our beauty ritual or some part of our outfit that was uncomfortable, and maybe even, a little painful. But, her mantra, that I adopted, was, “Beauty knows no pain.”
I am not a big fan of pain, let’s just get that straight. I am not advocating that people physically hurt themselves for beauty’s sake, but to each her own. We all have our own beauty rituals. However, this mantra is more about sacrifice. Back then, it was dealing with the prospects of pinning up hair tightly to get it to look perfect, or wearing a shoe that was going to hurt after five minutes, but makes the calves look phenomenal. It is about pushing past the pain to let the beauty shine through. Yesterday, as I was getting a facial, I thought about this old mantra. If you have never had a facial, I find them to be the most underrated beauty treatment available. It starts with a steaming and cleansing of the face and neck area. Then, gentle exfoliation with a light brush. Then, your eyes are covered and out comes the large magnifying glass, bright light and little silver tools. The process is called extraction, and it consists of removing all of the stuff under your skin that you cannot see with the naked eye and removing dead skin that is still on your face. As I was lying there yesterday, during this process, I momentarily wondered why I was voluntarily putting myself through the pain, even paying for it. I subsequently remembered what my face looks and feels like after each facial. It feels clean, light and fresh, maybe even a little unburdened. And, after the extraction comes a relaxing massage. There is a point to all of this. I have sometimes heard people say that there is no pain in love. I find love to be the ultimate expression of beauty in this world. While I do not believe that one should take abuse, physical, mental or emotional, from someone who claims to love them, I do believe that in love, the ultimate expression of beauty, there will be pain. When a person truly loves, it oftentimes starts out as refreshing and relaxing, but when it comes time to get past the surface, there are some sacrifices that need to be made. And, many times, those sacrifices are painful. Sometimes it means putting those who you love before your own desires. Sometimes it means giving up things and people that you feel you need. Sometimes, the person you love does something that would never bother you if another person did it, but because you love them, it hurts. I am not speaking of casual love; I am talking about real, deep relationships with God, family, spouses and true friends. Sacrifice and pain are not pleasant or fun. And, again, I am not talking about a person who maliciously tries to harm you. I mean those times in love when you have to make a choice that is uncomfortable, but is what is best for the relationship. If you can push past the discomfort, you can reveal true beauty; something even more satisfying than what you had before. For anyone who is still doubting that there is pain in love, look only to our Savior. His sacrifice, the ultimate sacrifice, was beautiful. Jesus had to push past the pain to reconnect us with God. None of us will ever feel the type of pain He felt or give as much as He gave. Still, I am grateful that the beauty of His love knew no pain that day. It is not that it was not painful, but that He endured the pain for you and for me. That is true love and beauty and because of His sacrifice, we can enjoy more beautiful, fresh, new, unburdened relationships with God and others. Ms. EV
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Yesterday was Mother’s Day, a time to celebrate the mothers and mother-figures. I thank God everyday, sometimes several times a day for my mom (and my dad). I love both of my parents and I don’t know why God chose to allow me to be born to these two amazing, Godly people, but I am so grateful that he did. Daddy will get his tribute next month. For now, I just want to take the time to praise God for my mother. My mom is one of my best friends. We talk everyday, except for when she leaves me and goes on cruises, and there is no reception—longest weeks of my life! I think that, other than God, my mom is the only person who knows everything there is to know about me and still loves me.
I cannot tell you how many times I have read Proverbs 31, and thought, “How could this author have known who my mom would be?” Everything that you can think of when you think of a good mother – nurturing, supportive, selfless, generous – is possessed by her. She hasn’t had a “job” for over fifteen years, but she is one of the hardest working people I know. She is a personification on the love of Christ to me. She sacrifices willingly, she listens carefully, and she chastises lovingly. She and my father have taught us how to make the most of what we have. She has shown me how to be a loving and compassionate wife, and one day, if God wills, I hope to be at least half as awesome a mother as she is to us. She also reminds me of Ruth. When she was younger, she took the chance of leaving everything she knew to have a better life. If she had not done that, she would not have met my father and I would not be writing this. She reminds me of Esther. She stands up for her children. My mother is a beautiful and quiet person, but do NOT mess with her husband, parents, children, grandchildren or siblings. On our recent trip to Atlanta, there was a situation where she felt that people were being disrespectful to me. I tried to ignore it, but not my mommy. Have you ever seen a mama bear when her cubs are threatened? I did that day. And, I thank God for her because she will stand up for me when I cannot or am too timid to do so for myself. Growing up, everybody thought I would be like my dad and I do have some traits that are clearly his, but the closer my mother and I grow, I realize I am becoming more and more like her each day. I have two wonderful parents who have some fantastic qualities that I love having and want to instill in my progeny. I have known many people who have strained relationships with their parents, or do not even know one or both of their parents. I have known many people who had parents that may have been supportive, but for all the wrong reasons. I have known many people whose parents do not know Christ. So, there is never really a time when I am grasping for something to praise God for because all I have to do is think of my mommy and daddy and what a blessing they truly are to me. Ms. EV When I wrote Pray While You’re Prey, one of the sections focused on knowing exactly what you are looking for in a potential suitor. A lot has changed since then, but the potential mate that I desire has not. We often hear that men are more visual and women are more emotional, but when people hear the traits I look for in a mate, they are sometimes critical of my list. I have even been called superficial. “But what if you miss out on your soul mate because of your list?” they ask. I truly appreciate the concern. Yet, it’s funny to me that when a man lists physical attributes he likes, no one bats an eye. Furthermore, this list is not random and most of it has nothing to do with physical attributes; it is a well-thought-out list from years of experience.
When I was 20, I had a list; it had 50 items on it. With my ex-husband, I settled on two of those things. Notice that I said ex-husband. It wasn’t the two things I compromised on that broke us up, but if I had stuck firmly to the list, perhaps, I would not have dated or married him. I was very proud of myself when at 25, the list was pared down to seven things. I like alliteration, in case you can’t tell, so they are called my Seven S’s for my Suitors (Note that 7 is the number of spiritual perfection, just saying): 1. Saved 2. Sanctified 3. Smart 4. Secure 5. Stable 6. Supportive 7. Sexy So, the first two go together, and they are both necessary. A lot of people are saved and going to heaven. That is a good start, and for me, it is a necessity. You must be a Christian; not a spiritual person, but an "I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ" Christian. I have a real relationship with Christ, I go to church regularly, and I understand my role in stewardship, so I need to be with someone who, in addition to being saved, understands that we have to be set apart for God. Sanctification is a process. The person that I am is changed daily, sometimes hourly, with each interaction with God; He is making me more holy. Any soulmate of mine would need to understand that as we grow in Christ, we may change, but it will only be for the better. Number 3 is very important to me because I am intelligent; I am not bragging, I just am. I am not saying you have to be an astrophysicist, but it is nice to have someone with whom I can match wits. I also think that you have to be smart to be funny and I love a great sense of humor. Laughter is a huge part of my upbringing and I plan to raise my children in a world filled with laughter. I understand that intellect does not always come from education, so that is not what I mean. I know plenty of people who have professional degrees and are not the brightest bulbs in the box. And, I know some with no degree who are among the wisest people I know. However, I have had experiences where a person felt intimidated by my level of education and it often leads to the opposite of Number 4. Security is very important for both parties in a relationship. Being confident in yourself can thwart many relationship issues. Trust me, I have been the jealous girl; it is not cute. And though, it is kind of hot, when your man notices someone else noticing you; it is super creepy when the guy becomes overly possessive. This leads to Number 5, when I say stable, I mean in every way possible, but specifically, mentally, emotionally and financially. I have dealt with the other side of all of these and it is not pretty. I had to learn the hard way that I cannot fix someone who is broken mentally and emotionally. There is no amount of care or nurturing I can give that will save that person. He has to rely on God to mend his brokenness. And, when it comes to finances, I am by no means a gold digger, but I also wouldn’t mind not having to work and being able to focus on my dreams. The truth of the matter is that I, with God’s help am able to support myself financially, and I am accustomed to a certain lifestyle that I do not think I should have to abandon. Jesus said life MORE abundantly. So, as I told my aunt, I have the cake, so when I am in a relationship, I want the icing, whether that comes in a two-income household or in my husband providing for the family while I pursue my other goals and dreams, which leads to Number 6. I know that God has awesome assignments for all of His children. I love using my talents to worship Him. So, I desire a mate who understands my dreams and supports them. I come from literally the most supportive family on Earth. It is what I am used to and I cannot see myself giving that up for a relationship. I also am a very supportive person, sometimes to a fault, and I have been in relationships where support is not reciprocated; it leads to resentment and can destroy a relationship. Other than the first two, this list is not in an order or importance, I want it all. Number 7 is always the controversial one. First of all, take a deep breath and get over the fact that the church girl said the word “sexy.” It means different things to different people, but I am talking about looks. The only issue I have had with looks is that I admittedly have a “pretty boy” problem. Nonetheless, I know this about myself, so I have learned how not to let looks overshadow glaring red flags. That being said, I still believe that physical attraction is important. What I find attractive may not match others. I have no specifications on race, but in nearly every other category I have a type and one of my non-negotiables on looks is height because if you know me, you know that I am 70 inches tall. I get chastised for this requirement all the time, but it is my right to want to feel dainty and protected by my mate. Read that however you wish to read it. My list is not anyone else’s list. Even dating websites tell me I am too particular. But, that’s okay, you see, I know Someone who can do the impossible, so I feel pretty secure in having a list. And, I encourage people, especially women, to know what they want whether it is three things or seventy things; if you don’t stand for something, you just might fall for anything. So, am I being superficial or just super-specific? I would love to know your thoughts. Do you have a list? Share it if you feel comfortable doing so; I would love to start a dialogue on this on my Facebook page. Whatever you do, and whomever you love, make sure you love God first and He will take care of the rest. Ms. EV 1 John 3: 18-22 (The Message) My dear children, let's not just talk about love; let's practice real love. This is the only way we'll know we're living truly, living in God's reality. It's also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that's taken care of and we're no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we're bold and free before God! We're able to stretch our hands out and receive what we asked for because we're doing what he said, doing what pleases Him.
After writing Monday’s and yesterday’s blogs, I read these verses as part of another devotional and it was another example of how God speaks to us and how His Word is living and vital. These verses tie together my thoughts from Monday and Tuesday. These verses address loving yourself and being free to do God’s Will (worship and spreading the Gospel). Many people live their lives thinking that others are holding them down or keeping them back from love, from their dreams, from financial freedom, or whatever particular goals they have in mind. In reality, not knowing who we are in Christ, not loving and valuing ourselves is what holds us back. For some people, past hurt caused by others has led to us devaluing ourselves, but when it comes down to it the only person who can truly hold you back is you. The verses say that practicing real love, the love that Christ displayed and God expects, is the only way to live in God’s reality. It is the only way to experience the abundant life God has planned for us. In order to practice that kind of love, we must not only love God, but we need to give ourselves a break. Loving ourselves and knowing our place in God’s Kingdom will quickly shut down the voices that say, “You’re not good enough,” or “You’re not smart enough,” or “You’re not pretty enough.” I love the way The Message Bible says it; this is “debilitating, self-criticism.” It literally paralyzes us and prevents us from being who God intends for us to be. But, once you move past the past, you can be free to live a life full of love; you can walk in God’s purpose for your life. You can practice His two great commands. First, you can love Him with everything you have. I have heard it said how can you love a God that you haven’t seen, but have hatred for your sisters and brothers? But, I will take it a step further. How can you love a God you have never seen when you cannot love the person you see in the mirror everyday? You can’t show love until you know love. God is love and if He loves you enough to die for you, then you can cut yourself a little slack; not a license to live any kind of way amount of slack, but respect yourself and believe God when He says that you are His. Once, you do you are free to worship in Spirit and Truth, and there is great power in that kind of praise. Then, after you learn to truly worship Him, you can love others as you love yourself by sharing the Gospel. I am not sure that I have been in love with anyone other than my family and Christ. Nevertheless, I have thought that I was in love and been around people in love. So, I know that when you fall deeply for someone, you can’t help but tell everyone how that person has impacted your life. That is the same attitude that we should have about sharing God’s Word. It is not about quoting Scriptures; it is about the exuberant expressions of a lovesick, blood-bought, grace-receiving child of God. God commands us to love others, but you cannot possibly love someone truly if you hide God from that person. This is what pleases Him; living a life of love. So, forgive yourself, know your value, and live in love. Ms. EV Last night, I was playing my guitar, finishing up a couple of songs that I wrote this week, and in the midst of playing, words came to my mind that I had to write. The song is called, “Worth Dying For,” and it explores the way that God shows His love for us. People who are in love or in close relationships might say to their loved ones, “I would die for you.” But, in reality, not many people are put in a situation where they have to prove that statement. Jesus, however, did prove to us that we were worth dying for when He accepted His role as our kinsman redeemer. Jesus shows us through the sacrifice of His life on the cross, that He believed we were worthy to be saved. His death and resurrection allowed us to have the opportunity to become joint heirs in the Kingdom of God. He is the most precious gift of all time. There is nothing that we can do or could have done to save ourselves from the power of sin, the punishment of sin, and eventually, the presence of sin. Jesus paid it all for me and for you.
Not only does Jesus show us that we are worth dying for, He proves that we are worth fighting for, as well. Once we accept Christ in our lives, things tend to get more difficult rather than more effortless. While we cannot lose our salvation, the quality of our lives on Earth depends upon the winner of our daily battle between flesh and Spirit. Before salvation or even in the early stages of salvation before conviction, life is easier because we tend not to worry about repercussions or about how our actions will affect others, or how our actions might break God’s heart. Once we are saved and in tune with the Holy Spirit though, it is no longer acceptable to live outside of God’s Will and tough choices have to be made about our relationships, careers, dreams and goals. The good news is that we don’t go into battle alone. As a matter of fact, our battles belong to the Lord, if we will let Him fight, He will show us that we are worth fighting for. Every time we get a second chance by grace, God is saying, “You’re worth it.” Every time we see God’s mercy in action over the consequences of some foolish action, God is saying, “You’re worth it.” I can’t say that I understand it because there are days when I don’t even feel like fighting for myself, but thank God, I know in my heart that I’m worth fighting for and even dying for. So, if someone claims to love you, and if he is a man of God, modeling his love after Christ’s love for the Church, he should be willing to fight for you. I am not talking about a physical fight for your attention or your affection; I mean he should be willing to show you kindness, grace, and mercy. He should be willing to include you and accept you just as you are. He should also be willing to die for you. I do not mean to say that he will jump in front of a train (though he should at least be willing to walk on the street side of the sidewalk); I mean he should be willing to let his selfishness die for your sake. In return, Ephesians says they we, as women, should submit. If he is doing his part, submission should be second nature. When you meet people do you have the attitude that you are worth dying for, worth fighting for, or do you give the best parts of yourself away freely? Know your worth. Ms. EV One year ago today, I lost one of the most precious gifts God ever gave me, my Grandmama Dorothine. The hardest part about it was that I got to the hospital too late to talk to her one last time and to say goodbye. For the rest of my life, I will never forget my mother’s phone call telling me that they were trying to take Grandmama to the rehabilitation facility and she took a turn for the worse. I started packing and I called my friends to help me stay calm so I could drive. I got my aunt to take care of my cat. I prayed and I listened to music all the way down I-10. My pastor called me and we talked and prayed. I just knew that when I got there, she would have a miracle recovery.
But, when I got there I rode up the elevator with my cousin who had arrived at the same time. He said, “It’s crazy…I was just talking to her and she was doing better.” I had spoken to her two days prior on Easter. And then, I meant to call her the next day, but she was supposed to be going to the rehab and I didn’t find out until late that night, too late to call, that they had changed her transport to Tuesday. So, I said, “I’ll call her when she gets settled in. I’ll wait for my mom to tell me she’s settled in and then I will talk to her.” My mom talked to her and my aunt. My grandmama was as feisty as usual, telling my aunt to leave my mom alone because it was her and my dad’s anniversary, but mom said she hadn’t gone to River Chase yet, so I didn’t call. Then, mom called, and told me to call my sister on three-way…I have used the words heartbroken before to describe a feeling that some guy had caused, but when I turned the corner of that hospital and I asked my aunt to go speak to my Grandmama and then, my uncle told me she didn’t make it. The world literally felt like it stopped spinning, everything echoed, and I physically felt my heart break. Why didn’t I call her the day before? Why did I wait so long to leave? Why didn’t I drive faster? I just wanted to say goodbye. When I saw her, it looked like she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful, which was comforting because I had seen her suffer for months. My grandmama has 16 grandchildren and scores of great grandchildren. I was so saddened that my children would never get to meet her. I wouldn’t get to hear them call her Grandmama. I don’t know what everyone else’s experience was with my Grandmama, but I know that she taught me love: kind love, patient love. She was my buddy. Every summer she would come to visit and I would help my mom take care of her. We would have the best three-word conversations ever; Grandmama was not a big talker. I love to watch her face light up and her foot start tapping when I sang. She loved all of her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren no matter what we did or said. Sometimes, I couldn’t understand the love she showed. But, she didn’t really judge people. She remembered all of our birthdays every year. Sometimes I would just sit and hold her hand to let her know I was there. It has been a year and it is still hard, but I know that absent from this world is present with the Lord. And now, she can see me and all of her other grandchildren because her eyes aren’t blind anymore. If I have children, she will be able to see them, too. Instead of just tapping her foot, she can get up and dance when I sing because her body is not ailing anymore. She can hear me loud and clear because her ears are cleared up. I didn’t get to say goodbye, but my last words to her were I love you and I will talk to you later. And, I will talk to her later and see her later. It hurts, but the pain is no longer unbearable. What I can say is that you should always make sure the people you love know that you love them. I know my Grandmama loves me and she knows I love her. That knowledge helps in the bad times. I miss you, Grandmama Dorothine. Ms. EV In loving memory of Dorothine Bates (December 25, 1935 - April 26, 2011) ...from a Single Girl's Perspective with Help from Scriptures...
In honor of Elevated Values' first wedding this weekend, I decided today's blog would be an excerpt of an article I wrote on marriage. As beautiful and flawless as Elevated Values will make the ceremony, marriage isn't about the wedding, it's about a commitment to God and spouse. ... God tells us in Ephesians how to have successful relationships. Ephesians 5:21-28 God’s Word on Relationships 21Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another. 22-24Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. 25-28Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage. Wives are not told to love their husbands. God knows we are capable of doing that naturally as women, so he addresses a much deeper issue: submission. Treat the man like he’s the man, even when he makes mistakes, even when he makes big mistakes, even when he’s not doing it how you think it should be done. Remember when you were single and you could get a man to do whatever you wanted him to do, it was because you made him feel good, you made him feel like a man, you made him feel like there was no other man on earth who could take his place. Why is it that you forgot how to do that as soon as he puts the ring on your finger? Now, you want to be the boss. Well, guess what that’s not the natural order of things. And, I know, it’s not easy. Relationships are not meant to be easy, but fulfilling. It will be hard for me. I went to law school. I have my own house. I have taken care of myself since I’ve been by myself for eight years and counting and God and I are doing just fine in that area, with the help of my parents and my friends, but God forbid I ever make my husband feel like he’s not needed because he is what’s absent from my life. I say absent rather than missing because nothing is missing from my life, as God doesn’t make mistakes. I am complete right now and I will be complete if God blesses my with a husband because of God, not because of me or the human relationships I have. So, why do we make the man feel like less of a man? Yeah, don’t think that the men are off the hook because God did have to tell you how to love your wife. Love like Christ loved the church. Christ gave the church a secure future. He endured moments that were more than uncomfortable for the church. His friends and family turned their backs on Him because of His love for the church. He died for the church. Does your wife feel like you would die for her? Does she feel like she comes before your job, your friends, your church family, your family, and your own issues that you haven’t dealt with? Are you willing to put those things aside to make her feel secure? Because I know I would do just about anything, cook, clean, give my attention to, and submit to a man who could make me feel that way. I would go out of my way for him when I was tired or had a “headache” or had a long day. All relationships are a two-way deal and because we are humans, there will be times when it seems you’re the only one giving or sacrificing, but God was the only one sacrificing in our relationship with Him and I don’t remember Him complaining, so suck it up, and make it work. God has given you the wisdom to make it work, if you can put aside your self-righteous, I shouldn’t have to deal with this attitude. You should have to deal with anything that comes your way, unless you lied when you stood before God and everyone and said you were willing to stick it out in sickness (and that includes mental illness) and health, for richer or poorer (and, oh by the way, there is no "your money" and "my money" after marriage), for better or worse (which includes when your spouse looks at you like you’re the most disgusting creature on earth). As far as I know, all of the couples I know are generally healthy, no cancer, no AIDS, no terminal illnesses, their children are healthy, they have jobs, they have a roof over their heads, so can someone tell me why the smallest, pettiest problems are threatening to tear Christian marriages apart. Call me when someone is beating on you or sleeping with your best friend. So, maybe the problem is that we don’t know how to love or what love is (this common excuse doesn’t hold any water either because it’s in the Book). I Corinthians 13:4-13 All About Love 4-7Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. 8-10Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled. ...13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love. I recently read an exercise regarding these verses that said to read them as is, then read verses 4-8 and replace the word love with God, and then read it a third time and replace the word love in 4-8 with your name. Are you living up to God’s standards? If you were, then you probably wouldn’t be looking for greener grass. And, a single girl like me wouldn’t have to listen to you whine about the one thing that is absent from her life right now. I love you, God loves you, and you love each other, so trust God, follow His Word, and set things right in your family. Ms. EV |
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