Have you ever indulged in a gluttonous amount of chocolate or another of your favorite sweet delicacies? I have, okay well, I do, on occasion, partake of more than my fair share of confections. Many times, when you eat a lot of sugar, you get this high, a rush of energy. You feel jubilant; like you can accomplish anything for a few minutes, or maybe hours, while you are feeling the rush, but then, after the rush, comes the crash. Your overly excited, oddly energetic behavior dwindles into lethargy. You feel fatigue that is much greater than anything you felt before your sugar high.
I have been getting high lately, but not on sugar (or any illicit substance; stay with me). I have been getting high on the sweetness of God. I noticed the other day that I was smiling, genuinely, very early in the morning. I even had a little skip in my step. I was grinning from the inside, early in the morning. It was enough joy to scare those who know that I am not a morning person. And, Sunday night, after a performance, I felt like I was floating on air. I was on the mountaintop. This is not a feeling that just started this week; I have been feeling true, pure, unadulterated joy for quite some time now. I am not sure when it started. Just as I am not sure what triggered the crash from my high last night, but I crashed. The night before I could not contain my grin from within, and then, last night, like a punch to the gut, I found myself with my face buried in a tear-soaked pillow. I tried to watch the television to distract me, but eventually, it just became background noise to the howls of the lonely monster. The same woman who felt invincible the day before felt lost and confused. I could not understand what happened to my happy place. How did I go from so high to so low so quickly? I started thinking about people that I had no business giving any thought. I started to replay all of my coulda-shoulda-woulda’s in my head. I started questioning if I am really pursuing the right dreams or if I am just using them to distract me from the fact that I am lonely. I cried and I prayed and I prayed and I cried. It sucked! I thought, “Today, being single really sucks! It would take one phone call to make this feeling go away.” But, the damage from that one phone call would most definitely outlast the temporary ache I was feeling. I needed to press through the pain. And, I did. I woke up this morning smiling from the inside, well, at least until after I brushed my teeth, and then I smiled on the outside as well. Every day in the life of a Christian is not sunshine and roses. There are some hard times. But, as it says in 2 Corinthians, “These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG). My crash last night actually reaffirmed that I am on the right track; I am doing what God would have me to do because it was obvious that the enemy was feeling threatened and he knew right where to attack me. But, a God-high, is nothing like a sugar high. There may be ups and downs, but when God picks you up; you stay up, even when you do not feel up. You might feel like you are crashing; you might feel fatigued, woozy, or punched in the gut. Just know that if you hold on to God’s hand and trust that He knows and He cares when you feel like you are crashing, you can get through it. I am a witness; I got down, but He did not let me hit the floor. Now, I am high again. Ms. EV
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I was challenged yet again by a Girlfriends in God devotional in my inbox today and here is my response. I hope that it can bless and encourage you about the storms in your life. Check out Girlfriends in God when you have a chance .
Challenge: Read 1 Peter 4:12-13 "Do not be surprised at the painful things you are now suffering. These things are testing your faith." (ICB) In your own words, describe the testing you are going through today in your life. How is it testing and strengthening your faith? Response: My main tests are being single and childless. I never thought that I would survive four years of singleness. But, I am approaching four years this June and I am thankful because God proved to me that, with Him, I can survive. I will be alright. I thought the depression of being alone might kill me when I was younger. It was that thought that twisted my mind into thinking that getting married very young was a good idea. If I took the opportunity then to get married, I wouldn’t have to ever be alone again. But, because I didn’t listen to God, I experienced an even more painful loneliness. I experienced feeling alone while in a relationship, a marriage. The heartache is even more brutal when you are alone and attached at the same time. Morally, it is wrong to seek comfort in another person while you are married, so you either have to continue to battle loneliness and become a young divorcee (which was the ultimate failure in my book at the time) or commit adultery. I did the latter. I am not proud of it and it led to even more pain because not only was I being rejected by my husband, the man who I sought for comfort also rejected me because he lost respect for me. How could either of them respect me when I didn’t even respect myself? All of this was the result of me not wanting to be alone. Nevertheless, praise God that I realized that I am never alone. The loneliness that made me cry to myself to sleep at times is the very thing that pushes me into the arms of the Master. When I was younger, I didn’t want children. As a child, I didn’t get along with other children, and I felt my time was better spent on achieving my goals. So, when I had a pregnancy scare at eighteen, I prayed, “God, I would rather not be pregnant now and never have children, than to be a teen mother.” Unmarried, teenage mothers were looked down upon. I was one of the people looking down upon them, and now, I was the one who might be in their shoes. At eighteen, it seemed like a harmless prayer because I didn’t want kids and I never thought that I would. When I got married, for the few months that we were happy, I could see myself having my husband’s babies and we weren’t trying to get pregnant, but we weren’t not trying either. I am grateful that I didn’t have his child and I know that there were a lot of prayers from people who loved me and saw what I could not see that help that to happen. I have had several health issues that are threats to my fertility and every year when I see the doctor, I get a little nudge that I might want to think about when I am going to start a family because I am running out time before I am high risk. But I am not even dating anyone, let alone married. And, I do not want children by myself. I want a family. I want a husband and then children, which is what I wanted when I was younger, but I went about it in all kinds of wrong ways. That subconscious prayer haunts me and tests me every time I start feeling my maternal instincts. Did God listen to that prayer or did He realize I was being ridiculous? I have asked for forgiveness and I have to believe that He has forgiven me for the sin and the request. So, now I wait on a husband on a child. Whether it happens or not, He is still God. He still knows what is best for me. I believe that my desire to love children has helped me grow into a better aunt and a patient teacher. And, should I have children, I have learned lessons from watching other parents for such a long time, that though I am sure I will still make mistakes, maybe they will be few. I have asked God to take the desires to be married and have children away from me several times. I say, “God, if it’s never going to happen, I am fine with that plan for my life, but please take the desires away.” They haven’t gone anywhere, so these trials are testing and strengthening my faith. I have to believe that God’s Word is true when it says that if I delight in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. The more time I am without a husband and children who may break my focus, the more time I can dedicate to God; the more I can learn to delight myself in Him constantly and consistently, so that my family will be an addition to my abundant life not a substitution for God’s presence in my life. Challenge: Read 2 Corinthians 6:6 (NLT) "We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, our sincere love, and the power of the Holy Spirit." This verse lists the qualities God wants to create in us through storms that come our way. Which ones are present in your life? Which ones is He trying to produce in you today? Are you willing to let Him do so? Response: The qualities that these storms have produces in my life are purity. I am not inclined to mess up on that again. I have made the mistake enough times to know that God does not bless disobedience. I have developed an understanding of who God is, how God loves and what God wants from His children. I very much feel the power of the Holy Spirit working in my life and being a Comforter and a Guide. I have grown more patient, but I can still grow in that area. I am a kind-hearted person, I have learned how to be softer and gentler, but I do still have a short fuse that contradicts with what is actually in my heart. I am willing to let God continue the work that He has started and I know that He will finish. His Word tells me so. I know that when He knows I am ready, He will move me forward to the next step in my life. Ms. EV Sixteen years ago, I was sitting in my dorm room alone. My roommate was gone and I was homesick. My best friend from home and I were not on speaking terms. My best friend at college was out with her other friends. I tried to call my mom and dad, but they didn’t pick up. I tried to call my boyfriend, but he didn’t answer. I have never felt so alone in my life. That night, I thought that since everyone who was important to me was too busy for me, their lives would be better without me. The devil really had me thinking about taking my own life for a split second. Then, I moved on to a plan of taking enough medicine to cause a panic and get the attention I craved. It was a stupid plan that probably would have killed me, but I heard a song in my spirit that reminded me of the Friend who sticks closer than a brother. The Friend who never leaves my side. The Friend who always answers when I call.
Last night, a scene on television caught me off guard. It brought a very real situation in my life to the small screen. It spoke my fear right back to me. I have to give the devil a little credit because I did not see that one coming. So, naturally, I tried to contact my best friend. Then, I tried to call my mom, but got no answer. This time, I didn’t get any crazy ideas. I decided to change the channel and then, turn the television off, so that I could rationally think through the situation. You would think that I would learn to go to God first and let Him comfort me. After all, when I look at the odds that are stacked against me for several of the things that I desire in my life, He is the only one who can perform the miracles I need. So, maybe it’s not so bad when no one answers the phone. It gives me time to go to God. (And, soon after I made the choice to look to Him and we sorted things out, my bestie texted me back). He just wants us to seek Him first. Haha, Satan, not this time buddy! Ms. EV |
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