Am I Going to be Single Forever, Part II
When I was writing Pray While You’re Prey, I was at a very peaceful place in my life. I was living within God’s will for my life, trusting Him and obeying His commands for my life and my testimony. Vulnerabilities and intimate details of my life, that would normally be sacred, became my stepping stone to reach out to others. God helped me use my idiosyncrasies and indiscretions to try to help others avoid the pitfalls that I had experienced in my life. Naturally, because I read the Bible, I felt that because I was delighting myself in the Lord, that He would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). …How could my desires and God’s plan for my life be so different? In recent years, God has been showing me through the actions of others toward me, exactly how I treat Him. God has allowed me to be used for my talents and abilities by people. And in my rants about how why anyone would be so inconsiderate, God quietly reveals to my spirit that I use Him and sometimes have the nerve to try to manipulate Him into giving me what I want. God has allowed me to be left out by people with whom I thought I had a close relationship. And while tears ran down my face at the audacity of people making me feel like I don’t belong or I am not good enough, God reveals that I choose to leave Him behind all the time. He has shown me how painful and destructive disobedience can be by allowing me to experience how much it hurts when people are disobedient to my wishes or hurtful towards me. If I cannot stand seeing the people I love being swallowed up by sin—with what seems to be no desire to change their situations—even in situations where the sin is not directed at me, I can only imagine how God feels when I, His daughter, His friend, am disobedient. And, to top it off, my sin is directed at Him. Every time I sin, I am saying, “God, your commands aren’t good enough to follow.” Every time I engage in behavior that is not pleasing to Him, I am saying, “God, you’re not my friend who is looking out for my best interests.” Every time I don’t stand up for God, I am exhibiting the same exact behavior that brings me to my knees, feeling sorry for myself. I cannot even begin to count how many times my sin has said to God, “I don’t need You.” Or, “I don’t trust that doing things Your way is the best way.” Or, “I don’t believe that You are who You say You are.” God has also allowed me to experience both unrequited love and loving people more than they love me. God has shown me in these situations that I often say and do whatever I have to gain His favor, but my heart is not in the right place. He has also shown me how it feels to Him when I don’t appreciate all that He has done for me. He has shown me how it feels when I don’t praise Him. He has shown me how it feels when He gives me His best and I don’t give my best in return. God has shown me how it feels when He is not enough for me. God wants me to desire Him, not His characteristics or His revelations, but just to desire Him for who He is. He has the same desire for His relationship with me that I have in my relationships with other people. When I love people, I want the person that I am to be enough. I love God, but I don’t always show Him that His person, not just His personality, is enough for me. So, it leaves me to ponder if I would be willing to reveal my innermost thoughts and plans to someone if I felt that they had no interest in me, but were just using me for what I could do for them. Would I be willing to give my best to someone who is only giving me just enough to keep me hanging on, but is not fully committed to me? I would and have turned away from people who have done that to me, but God is too gracious and too merciful to give up or turn His back on me. He simply continues to pursue my heart and wait for me to come to my senses. (Revelation 3:20) He also helps me deal with the consequences that I have brought upon myself through my actions. Ms. EV
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The next three posts will be excerpts from a project that I have been working on, “Am I Going to be Single Forever?”
When I was writing Pray While You’re Prey, I was at a very peaceful place in my life. I was living within God’s will for my life, trusting Him and obeying His commands for my life and my testimony. Vulnerabilities and intimate details of my life, that would normally be sacred, became my stepping stone to reach out to others. God helped me use my idiosyncrasies and indiscretions to try to help others avoid the pitfalls that I had experienced in my life. Naturally, because I read the Bible, I felt that because I was delighting myself in the Lord, that He would give me the desires of my heart (Psalm 37:4). My desires was that I would finish the book, it would sell like hotcakes, I would become a best-selling author, internationally sought-after speaker, and that would lead to my husband being able to find me, pursue me and in the overly-quoted words of Beyonce, “put a ring on it,” and then, I would never have to write another book about being single. Apparently, God had different plans because it’s been seven and a half years since I sold my first book. I have four boxes of them sitting in my garage. I was invited to speak at one church. I put on a workshop at my church for young women that had four participants. And, I have been on one date in that time period. How could my desires and God’s plan for my life be so different? I have been “in the church” all of my life because God blessed me with parents who love Him, but it is only in the last nine years that I have truly begun to understand the importance of a deep and intimate relationship with the Holy Trinity. I was saved as a young child, but in reflection, I know that I did see God through a child’s eyes for a very long time. I saw God as a protector and provider. I kind of saw God as someone who would pop into my life to save me from trouble and bless me with whatever I wished. To me, God was like some sort of superhero-genie hybrid. I get in trouble and I call on Him. I need a blessing and I call on Him. That is not the relationship that God desires to have with us. He can be all of those things: protector, provider—and everything else we sing about…you know mother to the motherless, father to the fatherless, friend to the friendless, a doctor in the sickroom, a lawyer in the courtroom, my joy in sorrow and hope for tomorrow. He is all of those things, but why? Compared to the awesomeness of God we are dust, so why would He give us a second thought? Why does God love me? Psalm 8:4 puts it perfectly, “What is man that you are mindful of him and the son (or daughter) of man that you visit him?” What I have discovered in recent years is that God created me to love Him, to put Him first in my life, and to engage in service that will bring Him glory. He does not want me to put Him first in my life until some other person, place or thing becomes more important. He wants my full attention all of the time because when He has my full attention all of the time, He can use me in ways that I would have never imagined to bring Him glory. Ms. EV I watch way too much television. Once I get back to work and get busy, I am sure that will change. Anyway, on one show I was watching, a guy met a girl at the beginning of the show, and by the end of the show, they were kissing. Isn’t TV romance great? After all, it totally mirrors what happens in real life…NOT! I just recently stopped consistently watching soap operas (I say “consistently” because I do like to catch up on some of my grandmama’s stories every once in a while; soaps was a part of our bond). I started watching soap operas when I was about three years old. Although the relationships were rarely long-lasting, in the beginning they were always so romantic. Watching these shows gave me a very skewed idea of what romance should look like.
I wanted someone to come into my life, shower me with gifts, take me to exotic places and then, ask me to marry him by our third episode together because that is how it happens on television. Looking back I realize that my last two substantial relationships are the result of my fantasy relationship vision. My ex-husband did not take me to exotic places, but he did ask me to marry him on our third date. My last guy took me to elegant places and talked about marriage on our first date; he just never got around to asking. So, here I am still single and this television romance is still eluding me. Nonetheless, everyday of my life, I am involved in the greatest romance of all! No, there are no luxurious gifts like jewelry, clothing, pricey electronic gadgets; instead, the lover of my soul gave the most expensive gift ever given: His life. And, I did nothing to deserve the gift. He just loved me so much that He sacrificed Himself in order to offer me the gist of salvation. I have been on trips to exotic places, but my best trips have been the journey that I have taken with Jesus. When I have veered off onto the wrong course, He has placed me back onto the correct path. The journey has been rough at times, but it has always been worth it. And, before I even started my relationship with Christ, He had already proposed. He asked for my heart and my hand; I just had to accept. I am pretty sure that relationships like the ones we see on television are few and far between. And, if you watch as much television as I do, you know that they are not always as glamorous as they seem to be. They usually end fairly quickly or involve lots of infidelity and scheming. But, a real, true relationship with Jesus Christ is better than anything television and movie producers could put on screen. His love does not end at the end of the season or when the credits roll; it endures for all time. Ms. EV Last week, I went to get a massage. When I was asked by the therapist what areas on which to concentrate, one of the things I mentioned was that I needed a really good foot massage. My feet were sore, and in my experience, if my feet do not feel good, it is hard for the rest of my body to feel relaxed. When it came time for my foot massage, I notice that the therapist put hot towels on my feet. It was very soothing and it was a nice gesture. The hot towels were then used to rub my feet clean before the actual foot massage. As I laid there, I thought, “They do the same thing when you get a pedicure; your feet are washed before anyone deals with them.” If my job involved people’s feet, I would want to be sure they were clean before I put my hands on them too. I mean I have seen some pretty dirty feet. It is just more hygienic to clean them first and I do not think that anyone would disagree with that. As I thought about this, it led me to a revelation about how the washing of Jesus’ feet was an extreme act of worship.
In Luke 7:38-50, Luke recounts the washing of Jesus’ feet. A woman, described in the Kind James version of the Bible as a sinner and in The Message Bible as a harlot, came to a Pharisee’s house where she knew Jesus was eating. Being in the very presence of the Almighty, she could not say a word, all she could do is weep. But, rather than just weep at Jesus’ feet, she used her tears to wash Jesus’ feet. It was an act of servitude that was modeled by Jesus when He washed the disciples’ feet. When she finished washing His feet, she dried Jesus’ feet with her hair. Now, I don’t know about anyone else, but I am very particular about my hair. I do not like for people to touch my hair without my permission ( I have big hair and I think sometimes people want to see if it is real, so they are tempted to just reach out and touch). So, it is hard for me to even fathom the level of humility it took for this woman to put her hair on Jesus’ feet. However, this is not about worshipping the act of this woman. This is about recognizing that being in the presence of God’s Son caused this woman to abandon any inhibitions about being embarrassed or messing up her look to simply fall a Jesus’ feet and worship. And, she did not stop there. After she dried Jesus’ feet with her hair, she anointed them with very expensive ointment. She could have possibly sold this ointment to make a better life for herself, but something about the mere presence of the Messiah, let her know that by worshipping Him, she would have a better life than she could ever imagine. She had a lot of sin in her life, so she poured out everything she had, and Jesus forgave her sins much to the dismay of the Pharisees. You see, when someone feels they have never messed up (and chances are that they have, but they just do not wish to admit it), or if everything is going well in life, those are the times when many people forget to worship God. However, when you know that without God, your life would be filthy, you cannot help but worship Him. Notice that this woman did not just sit at Jesus’ feet and weep and stop there. She did not have a pity party; she had a praise party. She turned her tears into tools of worship! That is what we need to do, but not just when we feel bad about who we are; we also need to sit at the feet of Jesus and worship when everything is going well. While we cannot literally wash Jesus’ feet and anoint them with oil, we can pour out everything we have in worship. And trust me, you will see what I have learned, there is so much power in uninhibited worship! I heard an interview on the radio for a program meant to empower young women called, “Goal Diggers.” I thought that was incredibly inventive. I am around young people all the time, and while many of them have career aspirations, I have heard one too many young ladies aspire to be the wife of a very rich man. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be involved with someone who is financially secure. As a matter of fact, I am taking applications (must be over 72 inches tall). In any case, I find it sad when becoming a wife, girlfriend or baby mama of an athlete or entertainer is the only goal young women have in mind. In a day and age where people have become famous for being infamous, it is not difficult to see where these young ladies get the idea that snagging a rich guy is the way to go. You need only turn on the television for five minutes to any reality show about women (except ‘Mary Mary’) to see why young ladies value money and notoriety over anything else. I must admit that at times, I have wished I had thought to do something that went viral when I was younger, so that I could have a famous name. And though in my mid-twenties I was very interested in dating and marrying a football player, I was already an attorney; I had attained a lifelong goal, plus, I just really love football. In any case, I have always been told that the thing that makes your heart cry is where your passion lies. I know that when I ask a young lady what her goal in life is and she replies, “To meet Hugh Hefner and be one of his girlfriends, so I can live in his mansion,” that makes my heart break (that actually happened by the way). So, please help me to encourage young men and young women to become goal diggers. As a matter of fact, they do not even have to be young because I know some people my age and older that still do not know what they want to be when they grow up. Set SMART goals. These are goals that are Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Reasonable, and Time-Sensitive. Then, do not just stop at setting the goals. Pray and ask for God’s guidance about each step to reaching your goal. When you reach a goal, praise God and take time to celebrate the accomplishment. But, do not rest on your laurels. Once you have reached one goal, seek God’s wisdom about what is next. Trust me there is nothing wrong with wanting a man with a lot of riches. I am already in love with someone who has more riches than anyone can measure. And He loves me so much, that He gave His all just for me. He also loves me so much that He wants me to be everything that I am capable of being for the glory of His Kingdom. There is no earthly love or amount of wealth that could ever outweigh His love. Don’t be a gold-digger; be a goal-digger. Ms. EV Below is a song I wrote that is dedicated to Have you ever noticed that some of the smartest people in the world have n o common sense? My honors students would flat out tell me that sometimes. And, I know that when I was younger, although book smarts came to me easily, street smarts were not my forte. I was very naïve and somewhat gullible, but I could make honor roll, so I figured that I would be alright in this world. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized that it doesn’t matter if you get degree after degree from and Ivy League school or the school of hard knocks, true wisdom does not come from books or experience.
Please do not misinterpret what I am saying because there is no one more pro-education than I am. I am a teacher and I continued my education until I reached my goal of obtaining a law degree. But, more than anything you learn in school, at work, or at home, our lives are shaped by the lessons we learn. And, all of the education in the world cannot prevent us from acting like fools. Sadly, as beneficial as an education can be, some people educate themselves out of believing in God. Whether, you are a really book smart person who lacks some common sense or you possess common sense, but not a lot of education or expertise, thank God for the great equalizer: wisdom. Wisdom is not common sense; wisdom is God-sense. Wisdom doesn’t come from degrees or experience; wisdom comes from knowing, understanding and reverently fearing the Lord. When God asked Solomon to make any request, Solomon asked for wisdom to rule the people. Because of this unselfish request, God blessed Solomon with everything that he would ever need. Solomon was known as a great ruler and a fair judge all over the world, unfortunately, while he used his wisdom to help others, he did not use wisdom in staying faithful to God. Perhaps, that is why some of Ecclesiastes seems so depressing. I know that in my life, when I have realized that I was operating out of what made sense to me rather than seeking God’s wisdom, those realizations carried daunting and depressing weight. If we will always seek God’s wisdom, we will never be led astray. When we do not know what we should do, there is no harm in waiting on an answer from God; there is no harm in the desire to act with His wisdom. How can the Father of time run out of time? He will never run out of time or knowledge, yet we sometimes try to box God into the limits of our time and knowledge. We will never be smarter than God. However, no matter what level of education, experience, or common sense we have, if we seek after the wisdom of God, our lives can be lived on a whole other level. Ms. EV Yesterday, I caught glimpses of a special about crack-cocaine and how people felt trapped into selling it, which was followed by the movie, “New Jack City.” I have to thank God that there was never an inkling of an urge in my life to take such a path. I also started thinking about how, especially in difficult economic times, the love of money can affect people’s lives. As Christians, we should not put our trust in money, but in the Master.
I definitely am not a rags-to-riches story. Actually, at one point, I thought I might become a riches-to-rags story. I had just gotten divorced and I had two-income bills on a one-income budget. When I was in law school, my ex-husband always had a job, not the same one, but he was always resourceful at finding work. Sometimes, he even had two or three jobs to help ends meet, so I will give him credit for that. I was unable to work for the first year of law school, but my tuition was paid for, plus a stipend for books and living expenses, so essentially, school was my job. However, when I decided that it was time for a divorce, I had to figure out how to make it on my own. When I was married, I was on my ex’s health insurance. However, after the divorce, I had to find my own coverage. I knew it would not be inexpensive, but it should be reasonable because I was a relatively healthy young lady. I had been diagnosed with endometriosis a few months before I got married, so I knew I needed to be able to see the doctor. There were certain services that I could get on campus, which were covered by my tuition and fees, like physicals. So, the insurance company wanted me to get a physical and send it over, so that I could get coverage. It was all so simple until, during my physical, my doctor found a lump in my right breast. When the insurance company was informed of this, it said it would not insure me until the lump was ruled to be benign. I had to choose whether or not to get surgery or live without health insurance and possibly with cancer. I made an appointment with my doctor back home and she advised that I have the surgery and even recommended a doctor. I had the surgery. I told the nurse as soon as I woke up to give me a prescription and get me the heck out of there. I did not want so much as a Tylenol for pain because that would cost about $1500. The mass was benign and my recovery went well. Then, the bill came. In addition to the bills I already had, I had an outrageous hospital bill. I got the insurance, but it had a rider that precluded payment for anything relating to my endometriosis for a year (and I had no problems with it for over a year--that is God). At this point in my life, I did not have a credit card because I had gone credit card crazy in college and could not be trusted with one. So, I decided that I would take out student loans until I got on my feet. It was a tough choice because I was still working, with my parents’ guidance to fix my finances from college. I already had student loans from college (that were unnecessary), and now, I was compounding the problem just to live. So, of course I learned my lesson, lived within my means and now I am exceedingly rich. In the words of Nene Leakes, “I am VERY rich!” And, since you may have picked up that I am a teacher, those riches are not based upon monetary gain; I am spiritually and emotionally rich now, but I did not learn my lesson at that point. Very soon after my surgery, I decided that life was too short for regrets and I wanted to study abroad and see the world, so I took out another student loan and got a credit card to make that happen. I lived as though I had unlimited funds and I did not ask anyone for help because it had been mortifying to ask my parents for help prior to this. When I graduated, I was in quite the conundrum. I knew I did not want to be an attorney, but the only way I would be able to pay the bills I racked up would be to become an attorney and make some serious money. I took a more difficult road. I moved in with my parents, once again asked for their help to rearrange my finances, opened my own law firm and started substitute teaching. Some months I was making good money and others I was not. My plan was to only be in my parents’ house for one or two years maximum and that turned into almost five years. I tried many ways to increase my income. I published my book and did speaking engagements, but rather than do so for the ministry, I was focused on the money (see Purpose-Driven or Profit Driven). It wasn’t until I became a teacher with a steady income, that I started listening to Biblical wisdom and my father’s wisdom about finances. I did not end up being a riches-to-rags story. I was down, but never out. I always had a roof over my head, a car to drive, and money to pay my bills. It was not always the most ideal circumstances, but my needs were met, which is what God promised. In the past five years, since I have moved into my own place, it seems that every time my pay decreases because of budget cuts, so does my mortgage payment. I have been surprised several with extra funds in the mailbox that I had no idea I would be receiving. But, I have not only been blessed financially, I have been blessed with the wisdom to live within my means. I have been blessed to be able to not feel the urge to “keep up with the Joneses,” when I know I cannot afford it, which is vastly different from how I lived in my twenties. There are some simple things that I will teach my children (and pray that they listen to me sooner that I listened to my dad) about money. Perhaps, they can help you. Pay your tithes. Pay yourself. Live on the rest. It sounds so easy, and truly once you start the habit, it really is not that difficult. The difficult part is getting into a stable place financially while fixing past mistakes. I have almost always been a tither, and God has never broken a promise to me. How much is a tithe? Is it ten percent? Is it being a cheerful giver? In the Old Testament, the tithe was ten percent and that was before God sacrificed His Only Son, so I believe our offering should be at least ten percent. But, you ask, what if the church and the pastor don’t use the money correctly? I would submit that if you cannot trust your church leaders with your tithes that you might need a new church (just saying). Well, you still ponder, do you tithe on the gross or the net? My pastor jokingly responds to this, “Do you want a gross blessing or a net blessing?” But seriously, your net check is just your check after your tax bill; we give the government their cut, and, as Christians saved by grace, we need to give God back a portion of what He has given us. Truthfully, it is all His and He could take it all if He wanted to; I have found Him to be too loving to do so. I do not tithe out of obligation; I tithe out of obedience because of my love for God. After you pay your tithe, pay yourself. This is the part that I found difficult to do. My dad has preached saving ever since we started getting an allowance. Saving was easy before bills and a debit card. For me, if I have access to it, I find it difficult not to spend it, so I have an emergency account that I have access to and I have another account to which I do not have immediate access and from which there is a penalty for withdrawal. The money is automatically deposited into the account and I know that if I need something that is more expensive than what my emergency account holds, then I have the funds. But, God is so faithful that I have never had an emergency for which God did not provide. The last part is to live on the rest. Literally, live on what is left; not on what you wish was left. I know it is difficult and I am still working on it. I grew up wanting for nothing and it was difficult to realize that I could not live at the same standard when I got out on my own. There are simple things you can cut out of your budget that will help you live within your means like lattes, movies, eating at restaurants, expensive cell phones, and maybe even cable, if necessary. Living life more abundantly is not about having more money and possessions; it is about having so much of God that you live obediently, want for nothing and rest in Him. There will be challenges and tests, but, as my uncle, Rev. Paige says, “Put your trust in THE SOURCE and not in your resources,” and it will all work out. Ms. EV As Christians, the Bible is our operating manual for daily living; however, at times, it seems that there are some areas in life that are not covered by the Bible. Some might argue that there are gray areas and that everything is not in black and white. Others might say that everything you need to know is contained within God’s Word. Other than Pray While You’re Prey, the Bible is the only book that I have read from cover to cover more than once. I do not always read it in the same order or in the same manner, but it is chocked full of great wisdom and guidance for living.
The Bible is very clear about some issues. For example, it very clearly states that premarital sex is prohibited (1 Corinthians 6:13; 18). But, what about dating? A few years ago, I got into a pretty heated debate about what the Bible says about dating. My opponent’s position was that Christians should never date casually and that all other socializing with the opposite sex should be done in a group setting. My position, at the time, was, “Show me where it says that in the Bible!” The only courtships that have given me some insight into what a Christian relationship should look like before marriage are Jacob and Rachel, Ruth and Boaz, David and Bathsheba, and Mary and Joseph. I learned from Jacob and Rachel that a man should be willing to labor and wait for me for however long it takes. I learned from Ruth and Boaz that a man should be kind and willing to provide for a woman and that a single woman should not be waiting for a man to take care of her, but willing to work. From David and Bathsheba, I learned the dangers of tempting a man and falling into a lustful relationship. And, from Mary and Joseph, I learned that if you trust in God first, you can face any relationship crisis together. Nevertheless, I still do not see any verses that cover the “Rules of Dating for Christian Singles.” It would be very helpful if it were like the Ten Commandments; a step-by-step list of do’s and don’ts. So, what do we do if there is truly a gray area that is not specifically addressed in the Bible, like going out with a friend of the opposite sex that you have no intention of marrying, or what career to pursue or any other daily life challenge that does not have a black-and-white answer? And, I really mean no specific answer; this is not about poking loopholes in the Word or taking things out of context to fit our own agendas. This is about wanting to live a Godly life and not being disobedient. What I have learned in the time since this argument is that God’s Word is called the Living Word for a reason. If we have a question about how the Bible addresses an issue, the best person to ask is not a pastor or a doctor of divinity, it is God. That is one of the most awesome characteristics of God, we can ask Him questions and He will answer. It is not generally like an answer in the movies, where a thundering voice breaks through the sky. For me, it is usually a still, small voice from within urging me to pursue a particular course or I read the Bible and I see the answer I need in a verse that I have read several times. The words of the verse do not change, but what it means to me at that moment in time does. So, what about dating? Well, based on my own tendency to turn what should just be a friendship into a fantasy relationship, I choose not to casually date (see Dating). Nonetheless, each of us has to ask God for ourselves what His best plan is for us. If everything was clearly listed out in the Bible, we might put more faith in the book than in the Author. Again, I am not saying that the Bible is up for interpretation, some things are very much in black-and-white, but when it comes to our daily living in modern times, we need to seek God’s guidance, which will NEVER contradict His Word. Then, it is just a matter of whether we follow where He leads us or not. Ms. EV Who is holding you back from being the best that you can be? Who is keeping you from being a better friend, child, parent, spouse, sibling, or Christian? I bet I know one person we all have in common. Much of our lives, we play the blame game and take the Flip Wilson defense of, “The devil made me do it!” Yes, Satan is evil. He is the prince of darkness, the ruler of hell, and the tempter of the children of God, but even Satan is not responsible for everything we choose to do in our daily lives. Perhaps, before we are saved, the devil had more control over our choices. However, once you are saved, your soul belongs to God and the devil can’t make you do anything. Jesus proved that to us in Matthew 4.
Now, I am not saying that the devil will not mess with you. If he was brazen enough to mess with the Son of God, surely we are not immune to his deviance. He would love to fill our minds with oppressing and depressing thoughts, but we, children of God, are not his and he is not responsible for the bad choices that we make. We must take a good, long look in the mirror before we make excuses about who exactly is putting us through hell. Most people grew up with a dream of who they wanted to be. For me, I wanted to be a rich attorney with a powerful husband. I had my life all planned out; however, I never really spoke to God about what kind of life He had planned for me. I just assumed that my dream, which was based on money and fame rather than building His Kingdom, was the dream God gave me. Nonetheless, as big as my dream was, God had something even greater planned for me. Yet, I chose my plan over His plan. There were several signs that my plan was not going to work, but I decided to force myself into the mold that I had envisioned and I ended up being miserable. Then, I started blaming God for allowing the devil to mess with my life, but truth be told, I was the only one to blame. I was giving the devil way too much credit and pointing the finger at God for where I was in my life because I thought He should have protected me from my worst enemy. Well, you know what they say, “When you point the finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at you.” And, my worst enemy, on any given day, is not the devil; it is me! I am pretty confident that if we are honest with ourselves, many of us would answer the question, “Who is holding you back,” with, “I am holding me back.” As I said last week in God-Robots, God does not want mindless worshippers, so we have free will. He wants us to have life and life more abundantly, but that starts with taking responsibility for our own actions. The quicker we can admit to making mistakes, the sooner we can get out of God’s way and let Him lead our lives. Yes, Satan will challenge us, but, ultimately our choices are ours to make. We should be making them with God’s plan for our lives in mind. Are you willing to move out of God’s way, so that you can live your best life? Ms. EV There are days like today when I want to write, but I cannot think of what to say, so I go back to some things that I have not yet shared (hard to believe there are such things, right). In any case, this is a reflection brought about by a devotional from Girlfriends in God back in the very beginning of this year. The subject was about Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know I am God." Here are the questions that readers were given to ponder and my responses. I started responding to questions and at times ended up communicating with directly with God about them. I invite you to answer these questions for yourself. For me, they brought some clarity about where I was in that moment and how to move forward.
How good are you at "be still and know that I am God?" I know that God is God and I know that He controls everything in the Universe. I know that He made the Earth and everything in it. I know that He made Heaven and Earth, land and water, moon sun and stars, beasts on the earth, fowl of the air, fish in the waters, every plant, every molecule, every human being in His image. Maybe the fact that I am made in Your image is why I feel like I need to control everything, which leads to me not being still in situations. You, God, know all and see all, and I have the desire to do the same. Maybe that’s why it’s hard for me to be still and let things just play out. But, that’s not really showing faith. That’s not showing that I know You have your best plans for my life. I have to sit back and let You be You. I have plenty of evidence that I cannot and will not do a better job than You of controlling my life or the way that others think and act. When I think ‘be still,’ I used to think lazy, sit around, take a nap, take a load off, and I am not too shabby at those things. But, when I see ‘cease striving,’ that means something much different. Cease striving means stop trying to figure out what my purpose is and who I am supposed to be. It means stop trying to stockpile accomplishments and impress people. It means to rest in the life that You have given me right now and wait (I do not like that Word and You know it) for the next natural--or rather supernatural--progression. I wake up everyday with this desire to change my life, my world, my job, my home, my friends, so much so, that I don’t enjoy anything around me. And, that is not a testimony to how good You have been to me. And, that is a travesty because You have been more than good to me. You have been so amazing. And, I adore You and I am sorry for taking who You have been to me and what You have done for me for granted because it doesn’t look the way I think it should look. Have you ever felt God say those words to you? I feel that You are saying them to me right now. Stop striving. Stop surviving. Start thriving. Take a step back and enjoy where I am and stop trying to get to the next place. Stop listening to the voice (even if it is my own) that says I am supposed to be something or do something different. Life is not a to-do list, filled by accomplishing one goal after another; it is a journey with one goal, and that is to praise and please You. Being still: Easy? Hard? What do you think stands in the way? It is certainly easy to say and think I will be still while I am sitting in my house, in my pajamas basking in Your Glory. If and when I face the world later on, I do not know if I can stay in this place of peace and calm. As I said, I have a desire to feel ‘in control’ that is in direct conflict with my need to give up control. I mean I know giving up control doesn’t meant wondering mindlessly and aimlessly, but that’s what I did for a while, thinking it is what You wanted me to do. I keep thinking there is some formula, but I’m just going through the motions and waiting for you to change my life instead of being grateful for everyday and every moment of wisdom. I live for attention and acknowledgment, but praise and honor belong to You, not me. I know I cannot thrive without You because it involves facing my own insecurities, other people and Satan (although, I don’t think Satan can hold a candle to what I can do to my own self-image and self-esteem). I need You. I know that You are in my heart and You have been since I accepted You in my life. But, I have been acknowledging You and yet, living like You’re not there for way too long. This reflection actually inspired my song, "Living Like You're Not There." As I prepare to go into another school year, I think at times, I need to go back and reflect on the lessons I have learned so that I can be prepared for what may come. I certainly do not want to go back (see William McDowell, I Won't Go Back), but I will look back to press forward, stop striving and start thriving! Ms. EV |
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