Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. Psalm 5:1-2
Today, I have peace about it, but three days ago, I was in distress because I realized that the puzzle I saw coming together was truly a figment of my imagination. I thought he was the missing piece, but the words he so prophetically spoke to me three and a half years ago rang true. “I like things easy.” He had said it before, but I ignored it, thinking that I meant enough to him to change his mind, but I never did change his mind. I never changed who he was, he never changed who he was, and God never changed who he was, so now, I have peace because I know he’s not for me. To him, “I like things easy” –simple and plain—to him that meant that I would make his life easy by allowing him to drop in and out of my life as he pleased. I would make his life easy by being at his every beck and call whenever he decided to beck or call. And, I did that for him because I thought it was a good way to show him that I love him, but did he ever show me that he loved me? He said it…once. It was, it seemed, his convenient way of holding on to my attention, which I feel he sensed was waning. I fell for it and I waited. I waited on God to make him the man I needed, but he’s not that man. I know believe he will never be that man.
That man will love me as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). He will esteem me higher than himself. That man will not expect me to compromise my values. That man will make my life “easy.” And that man will be loved truly and deeply. I know this because I have loved men who did none of those things. How much more then could I love someone who actually shows me that he loves me rather than just telling me he loves me when he feels me slipping away. My kindness will no longer be taken advantage of; my true friendship will no longer be unrequited. I know who I am and whose I am, and as a child of royalty, I deserve the best my King has to offer, so I am not willing to settle simply because the pangs of loneliness eat away at me in the midnight hour, and sometimes, in the midday hour. I am not willing to settle because it seems that my chance for a family of my own is fading. I am not willing to make another person’s priorities my own if that person is not willing to make the same sacrifice for me. Like Christ loved the church means willing to sacrifice your life. I can honestly say that no man who has ever claimed to love me has come close to exemplifying this quality, so is it possible? I am convinced that every Word of God is true and he tells me that with men, things are impossible, but with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).
So, I am not willing to settle even if it means that I face singleness and loneliness, even if people keep asking me why I am not in a relationship, even if I cry or become sad at times. I have given up too much of myself and gained little in return. That is not the way God intended love to be, so I am confident that He knows what I need, and He will give me the desires of my heart. I do not know when or how, but I know that settling does more harm than good and makes my path more crooked than straight.