Back in the day, before it skipped five years and got weird, I watched the show Desperate Housewives. It followed the paths of four friends who lived on the same street and were all experiencing varying degrees of marital dysfunction. It, and many other shows like it, portrays issues that might cause one to consider never getting married; they make the institutions of marriage and family seem like some cruel joke. I know that each family faces its own set of difficulties, but it does not stop me from wanting a family of my own.
One morning on the radio, the topic of the day was, “When I graduated from high school, I thought I would be a _____________, but I ended up being a ___________.” So, of course, I talked back to the radio. When I graduated from high school I thought I would be a high-powered attorney, wife and mother to three or four children, but I ended up being a divorced high school teacher with a very spoiled cat. The good news is that I have recently discovered that, despite my life not being how I envisioned that it would be, I am no longer desperately seeking the things that are out of my control. There was a time when I wanted a husband and children so badly that I married the wrong person because I feared he would be the last one to ever ask. There was a time when I was willing to compromise my morals and do what I knew was wrong in the sight of God just to feel loved because I felt I had to give in to temptation to keep a man in my life. There was a time when I was willing to look past what I desire in a mate for the sake of going on a date because I did not know if I would ever date again. But now, I am so filled with Love from the inside that the desperation has dissipated. I am willing to wait for the person that I have asked God to provide for me. I am willing to live alone, sleep alone, and eat alone because I know that God has me right where I need to be. I also know from reading the Bible that God never refused to provide, for people who followed His Word, after a famine was over. Does it hurt some nights? Absolutely; it hurts some days, too, but I know my role in how I got where I am, so I know it could be much worse and I praise God for His mercy. Desperation can lead to life-changing decisions, and not in a good way. It can lead to infidelity, violence, promiscuity. It can lead to behaviors that have hazardous results. Desperate is not cute on a woman (or a man). The only thing any of us should be desperate for is more of God; more time in His presence and more intimacy with Him. Ms. EV
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It truly breaks my heart to see or hear of people making the mistakes that I have made. It doesn’t matter if the person is younger or older than I am, I simply cannot stand to watch someone I care about trip over my old stumbling blocks. If I could, I would help everyone I know avoid the pitfalls of life wherein I have fallen. Sometimes you hear people say, “Do as I say, not as I do.” That statement is seen as hypocritical and it is because you cannot expect someone to stop certain behaviors that you are not willing to extinguish from your life. Nonetheless, I firmly believe in attempting to curb the errors of those we love by saying, “Do what I say, not what I have done.” The issue with feeling comfortable enough to say this is that you have to be willing to explain your past and unmask your inner blemishes.
Like many teenagers, I truly thought that my parents had never done anything wrong in their lives. I felt that they couldn’t possibly know about the tough moral choices I was facing or the peer pressure that I was under. My parents were perfect, smart and saved. Plus, they had been married all of their lives, so they definitely could not have dealt with relationship issues. It wasn’t until very recently that I found out that I was very wrong. Sometimes, in an effort to protect those we love, we feel that we should not expose them to any darkness in our past. However, by hiding our true selves, we are not protecting them. In fact, we make them uncomfortable and unwilling to communicate when they have a similar problem. If we cannot use our past experiences to try to help those we love, then our missteps are in vain. I heard someone say that if you learn from a mistake, it becomes experience, but if you don’t learn from a mistake, it becomes a failure. I have found that using the lessons I have learned about love and life to help others is essential to healing. It helps me forgive myself and others, and keep moving forward. Some people are afraid that they will share vulnerable information only to have their valuable advice rejected. Don’t be discouraged if someone doesn’t listen to your advice; we plant the seed and God does the watering. But, no one can ever learn from you if you hide behind an image of yourself that you want people to know. Peeling back your layers is not only a blessing to the person you are potentially helping, but it also serves as praise for the God who has carried you thus far. I know that there are certain mistakes that some people have to make for themselves before they learn to live differently; still, how would it feel to find out that you could have prevented a catastrophe in someone’s life by simply sharing your story? The only perfect human being was Christ, so we should stop pretending to be infallible and start using our victories to be instructional. Ms. EV If you are in a crowd of people, can any of them tell that you are a Christian? Why or how do they know that you are a child of Christ? I have often heard it said that as Christians, our goal should not be to fit in, but to stand out. I have struggled with this statement for years because I believe that there has to be a balance. I feel that you have to stand out enough that God and everyone else knows that you are not ashamed of the Gospel, but you have to also fit in enough that people are not afraid to hear the Gospel from you.
There are pastors, gospel singers, and many people with great influence who say they are Christians, but refuse to use the name of Jesus Christ or to say that if you do not accept Christ, the consequence is hell. Then, there are fanatics who literally scare the hell out of people through hate and violence. I don't believe that God is pleased with pacifism or vigilantism. Look at Paul. Paul, as Saul, thought he was doing a great work for God when he was persecuting Christians. Then, after one encounter with God, he went from persecutor to persecuted. And, he did not let being threatened and jailed stop him. He had the stand out/fit in balance going so well that the prison guards were getting saved. But, if Paul is not a good enough example that there needs to be a balance, look at Jesus himself. He didn't exactly avoid those people who were shunned by society. He allowed sinners into His presence for the sake of saving their lives. And, on several occasions, he got alone by Himself to pray. If all Christians separate ourselves from everyone who has a lifestyle that we do not agree with, who will be left to teach of Christ? It's not about taking on the lifestyle of that person; it's about being who you are in Christ while you are around him or her, so that Christ's love is felt and stealing away to pray for the person and for yourself, so that the person can know Him and that your walk is not hindered. Once you plant the seed, it's up to God to do the watering. You don't have to sugarcoat the truth, but you don't have to be nasty either. It is a flesh/spirit battle, but when the Holy Spirit influences you, it could be a win for someone else's spirit as well. Ms. EV Have you ever been in a situation where your lips say one thing, but your heart says another? It happens to me all the time. Other people may not be able to tell when you are being genuine, but God is not fooled. I often hear people say, "God knows my heart." It is an expression that is usually used as an excuse for not going to church, not paying tithes or not confessing sin. Indeed, God does know our hearts, so why do we act as if we can fool Him as easily as we fool other people?
When I returned from summer vacation between my first and second years of law school, I had lost 200 pounds. I hadn't discovered a miracle diet and lost weight, but I had gotten a divorce and got rid of the person who was weighing me down. Some people said, "I can't believe you two got divorced, you were the happiest couple I knew." That's because I was the best actress they knew. But, God wasn't fooled by our carefully choreographed public appearances. God knew we were unhappy. We weren't just unhappy on the days we fought, but also on the days we pretended to make up. God knew what was going on in our hearts. And though, my mouth asked God to fix me and fix him and fix our marriage, in my heart, I wanted out and God knew it. It is impossible to hide your true feelings from God whether they are about another person, a task God has assigned you to, or how you really felt when you were doing something that no child of God has any business doing. I am not advocating divorce; there were very serious issues that led to my divorce. What I am saying is to not hide behind empty words, so that you can fool the crowd. God knows how you really feel, so don't try to mask what your heart says. Ms. EV The devil doesn’t fight fair. And, he is good at what he does. No matter how far you have come or how much you have grown, the devil seems to always know when to bring up your past. All the wrong choices you’ve made, all the mistakes you’d rather forget are his choicest weapons. The past creeps into your mind and you don’t know where the thoughts come from or what to do with them. Next thing you know, you are feeling defeated and running from God. How could He possibly love you? Why didn’t He keep you from the situations in the first place? Who are you to be used by Him? Believe me, these torturous contemplations are of the devil because God has forgiven you and forgotten the past (if you asked Him to). If the devil can get you to dwell on these thoughts and to believe that you are not worth God’s time, then he wins.
So, how do we fight back? We most definitely can’t do it on our own. Spiritual warfare is serious and just when you are about to reach your breakthrough is when the devil commissions his most elite special operatives. Their tactics are so cunning that most people would find themselves curled in the fetal position begging for mercy. But, even if the devil’s first blow comes unexpectedly, get back up, stand firm in God and fight the destructive thoughts that Satan plants. You are God’s royal child. You might have messed up, but He loves with an unfathomable love. God has your back (and your front and your sides). Psalm 18:34 says He shows [us] how to fight, so let Him help you win, not just the overall war, but every battle in between. Because rest assured, if you beat the devil once, he’s not giving up, so you must be ready to fight again tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Ephesians 6:13 (MSG) I just read a challenge to think of ten things that I am grateful for and I wanted to take it a step further and think of ten problems that can be turned into praises.
1. Problem: I don’t have a family of my own, no husband (or even boyfriend) and no children. Praise: Thank You, Lord for giving me the freedom to pursue anything I want to pursue in this world. Thank You for the support system that I do have. 2. Problem: I don’t know what I should do next in my life? Praise: Thank You, God for being so faithful to me that I know whatever step I need to take needs to be in obedience and submission to Your will. 3. Problem: I am bored with my job. Praise: Thank You, Lord that I have a job that provides me with stability and that you have given me the wisdom to become so adept at my job that I can now take on new challenges. 4. Problem: I get very lonely at times. Praise: Thank You, Father for promising never to leave me or forsake me and for being there at all times whenever I need to talk or I need comfort. 5. Problem: I really miss my loved ones who have passed away. Praise: Thank You, God for the reassurance that the believers are not dead, but are only asleep, and that you will call us all to meet you in the air at the appointed time. 6. Problem: I have a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes. Praise: Thank You, oh merciful Father for never giving up on me, even when I am living outside of Your will and thank You for the Holy Spirit who teaches me right from wrong and doesn’t allow me to walk through life oblivious to the harm I have done to myself and others. 7. Problem: I have a hard time forgiving those who have hurt me. Praise: Thank you, Lord that You are compassionate and forgiving, and that I am made in your image and have the power to forgive others and myself. Thank You for sending Your Son to feel a million times the pain that I have felt, so that I could be free from sin. 8. Problem: I am not as financially stable as I would like to be. Praise: Thank you, God that every month I meet every financial obligation that I have, and even have extra at times. Thank You for teaching me how to be a good steward over that with which You have blessed me. 9. Problem: I don’t know if I am living out my purpose. Praise: Thank You, Lord for giving me the purpose to praise and please You. Thank You for showing me favor each and every time I give you praise in spite of circumstances and obey Your commands. 10. Problem: I don’t like to have to do tedious household tasks on my own like taking out the garbage, fixing the toilet, maintaining my car. Praise: Thank you, God that I have the health, strength and financial means to carry out these tasks. Thank You for allowing me to learn new things, so that I don’t feel incompetent or incomplete. This is my list and you may be able to identify with some more than others, or even think of your own. Whatever you do, don’t forget to praise Him. In everything (even the tough stuff), give thanks for this is the will of Christ Jesus concerning you (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Ms. EV How can you put a timetable on the Father of time? When I was younger, I had my whole life planned out. I would finish high school, and then go to college, hopefully graduating early, so that I could go to law school and be finished before I was 24. Then, I would get married and have my first child by 25, so that I could have the other one or two before I turned 30 and there would be at least two years in between them. I would, of course, be doing all of this, while becoming a highly sought-after corporate attorney and the best wife ever. Well, I graduated from high school on time and from college a year early. But, I filled both experiences with so much pressure to be perfect and so many extra activities that, by the time I graduated from college, I was EXHAUSTED.
I told my parents that I wanted to come back home and work for a year before I went back to school and they were very receptive to the idea. That still would allow me to graduate law school by 24 and continue on my timetable. Then, I met my ex-husband. I had already been accepted to law school, but the relationship was going so well, and he wanted to marry me, so I didn’t want to leave for law school until after we had a proper courtship and marriage. This was not exactly part of my plan, but still fit in the plan. You see, by getting married, I was ensuring that I would have a husband, so we could start having babies as soon as I graduated. Actually, as time went on, we planned that we would start trying to get pregnant during my third year, so that I could have the baby as close to my graduation date as possible, so, I could stay home until they were old enough for daycare, and then find a job. That didn’t exactly go as planned since I got divorced after my first year of law school. Then, I realized I didn’t want to be a lawyer. My whole plan and my timetable went out the window. So, for the next five years, I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to be. All the while, I was thinking that I had to have a child by the time I was 30. Then, I turned 30, and while I found a career that I love and had a boyfriend, I still felt pressured to be married and have a child. Then, in the last few years, I have been single and dateless and my job has become less satisfying, so once again, I started searching for or what I am supposed to be. Now, though, I know that I can only find that answer by seeking God’s face. When I think about my crazy timetables and the pressure that I brought on myself, it all feels so ridiculous. I was accomplishing and achieving, and even, envied, but I was also anxious, aggravated and exhausted. All God wants me to be is His forever, and since He has forever, who am I to try to plan a good time for things in my life? He has a reason for every season. The old fable of the tortoise and the hare teaches that, “Slow and steady wins the race.” So even, when my life seems to be moving in slow motion, I have to know that if am obedient and walk in His Will and His Way, everything that happens in my life is on time. Ms. EV I have a ring that says, “If God brings you to it…He will bring you through it.” I thoroughly believe that. We live in a world that is not our home. It is a world that is sinful by nature, so life is not always easy. On this side of heaven, there will be disappointment, depression, disease and even, death. This doesn’t mean that God is any less in control. And when those situations come into our lives, it is just another opportunity for God to show His awesome power and His abundant love.
For example, last year, my grandmother, who was one of my best friends, passed away. I sat with her and talked with her while she was sick for months, hoping and praying for a miracle, but God did what was best for her and eased her pain. My pain from that loss was unlike anything I had ever gone through. So much so, that I didn’t think that I would ever heal. Then one day, a few months later, I woke up and no longer felt the hurt that had been pulling me down. I still have times of mourning, but God brought me through the rough part. Then, there are other times when I have to wonder if God brought me to “it” or if I got there on my own. I have been analyzing decisions left and right lately on every issue under the sun. There are times that I know I made a good, God-led choice initially, and then veered onto my own path and there are times that I just left God out completely. So, when we bring ourselves to it, will God still bring us through it? I believe He will because He knew the path we would take before we took it. It may not be the path He chose for us, but He has a way of working everything out because He sees all and He knows all and best of all, He loves His children. So, if God brings me to it, He will bring me through it and if I bring me to it, He can still bring me through it. Satan would have us dwell on everything we made crooked, but God wants us to watch Him make it straight. We just have to truly want to live and walk in His path. Ms. EV I am writing this for me, and I pray that it inspires someone else. I used to say that I am not good at waiting, in fact, I am sure that I have said it on this blog at least once, but I read Psalm 62:5 today and it gave me a different perspective. In The Message, it reads, “God, the one and only—I'll wait as long as He says. Everything I hope for comes from Him, so why not?” I guess in the past few years I have adopted this attitude. It is not that I am not good at waiting because I am most definitely waiting on God; it is that waiting is not easy. There is a song that says, “I don’t mind waiting on You, Lord,” and every time our minister of music wants us to sing it, I tell him I don’t feel comfortable saying that because I am not sure that I don’t mind waiting. I know that I will wait, but I am a human being, and sometimes waiting for things that do not seem to go against the Will of God is difficult.
But, this psalm says that everything we hope for comes from God, so why not wait for as long as He says. If I go out and get the relationship I want, but it does not come from God, will it sustain? Will it be satisfying? If I try to force my career path in a direction that seems to be what I want, but it is not in God’s timing, will it be frustrating? Will it be fulfilling? I do not know the answers to these questions, but I know that whatever God gives me, He adds no sorrow to it (Proverbs 10:22). So, if I wait on God, who is the Source of everything I could hope for and so much more, I will have exactly what I want and need, and I will not have to question whether it is right or whether the time is right. Even though waiting is not ideal in our fast-paced, instant-gratification society, waiting on God is so worth it. Ms. EV People sometimes think I am a grumpy person. I try not to be, but I know that I can have a very challenging personality. This is in part because I am an introvert and many times I am thinking about the issues in my life, having discourse with God or myself in my head, working through situations constantly. So, as the internal reflection takes place, the external result is that it looks like I am sad, annoyed, worried, or just plain mad. (I have never been able to hide what I am thinking; my face gives me away every time). During that time, I need to work through whatever it is that is going on in my head before I can interact with people fully. Therefore, if someone interrupts my process, they might see behaviors that would incline them to label me as aloof, arrogant, or antisocial. At least, those are the ones people have said to my face.
I am giving this explanation because lately there has been a shift in my focus. Rather than focusing on what I do not have or have not done, I am trying my best, with God’s help, to pursue my dreams. Not the ones that I thought I would do to get everyone’s attention, affection, and acclamation, but the ones that God gave me for His glory. Focusing on writing and singing for the glory of the Lord is taking up so much of my reflective process that I do not have time to focus on the instability of my career or the fact that I do not have the family I envisioned I would have at this point in my life. And, people are noticing a shift in my personality. It is somewhat embarrassing when people are scared because you are smiling. But, like the old song says, “Something on the inside is working on the outside; I feel a change in my life.” Am I perpetually joyful now as I pursue my dreams? Joyful, probably; happy-go-lucky and walking on rainbows, not so much. But, I am learning what the psalmist in Psalm 37 meant when he wrote, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I thought it meant pray, go to church and pay your tithes and you will get what you want. It means become so wrapped up in God that His desires for your life become yours. I still do not have a clue what God wants me to do as a writer and a singer, but, with each open door (and closed door), I am excited about the possibilities. God places dreams in our hearts; we can ignore them and pursue what we think we want or we can live the life He has planned for us. I promise when you do the former, you will always feel like something is missing. You may even project what you feel is missing on to other areas of your life: relationships, career, finances, etc. However, when you keep the dream alive, when you know in your spirit that you are living in God’s Will for your life, the concern, the worry, the emptiness dissipates and contentment sets in and you can ride the waves and go with the flow. Ms. EV |
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