Now, that I have your attention. It is not what you think, so stop judging. I didn’t secretly get married, I don’t have a baby daddy and I didn’t get artificially inseminated. It is an immaculate conception of sorts; a great expectation. Within me, there is a dream. And the longer it takes for that dream to be realized, the larger my expectations become. I have become enlarged in waiting. Though, the devil would like to use this waiting to attack my relationship with God, His love for me and mine for Him, our relationship is not diminished by the wait. In fact, our relationship grows deeper due to the wait. I cannot see what God has planned for my life, but my hope is in Him.
Like a mother waiting to give birth, I have good days and bad days. Some days, I feel beautiful and glowing and some days, I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person in front of me. Some days, I see the dream within as an awesome miracle, and some days, I feel that this dream within is a burden that I’m not sure I can bear. Some days, I have incredible energy and some days, I feel like I can’t go on any longer. Nevertheless, with each day that passes, though my flesh may break down, my spirit becomes stronger. My faith is stronger. My love for God is stronger. I can’t see what He is doing, but I know that He is in control and I just want to be used by Him. And, when the day of deliverance comes, my waiting will only increase my joy. Ms. EV These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Romans 8:23-25 (MSG)
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It is not a secret that waiting is not something that I am particularly fond of doing. Yet, I do wait. I know what it is like to take matters into my own hands and try to “help God” when it seems like He’s taking too long to give me what I want. In my life, the results were disastrous, a failed marriage riddled with infidelity and cruelty, and those things were not one-sided. I made a choice to move forward with my plan of marriage to the person I assumed would be the last person to ever ask me for my hand. Surely, God’s will was that I not be alone and that I marry rather than burn with lustful desires. Surely, God wanted me to be someone’s help meet. But, what was taking Him so long? I had already graduated from college and started working towards my career goals. Pretty soon, I would be old, unwanted and barren. After all, I was 21. Yes, you read that right. I was 21 and I felt like I was destined for spinsterhood if I did not marry immediately. I had only had two real boyfriends and they were hard to come by, so the chances of having someone else love me enough to marry me were slim to none. I imagine that this is what Sarah felt like when she decided to have Abraham bear a child with Hagar. She knew the promise, but felt like God needed her help to make it happen.
As I write it, it seems so ridiculous; especially, now that I am 34 and divorced with no children. Now, would be the time for the “you’re never going to have kids” panic attack. And, I’m not going to lie and say I don’t get those on occasion. Nonetheless, God has been so faithful in fulfilling His promises in my life, and, as I have grown in Him, I have come to realize that the best thing to do is wait on Him. Everything God does is purposeful, in His timing and for my own good. He is also so merciful, that everything I do to “try to help” is turned into a blessing, just like He did for Sarah and Hagar. In the case of my failed marriage, it serves as a reminder to wait on God no matter how hard that can be. The situation also drew me closer to God into the most intimate and fulfilling relationship I will ever have. So, now I’m cured! I don’t want a husband or kids! NOT! I still have those desires, which lets me know that in His time, they will be fulfilled because He promised to give me the desires of my heart, IF I delight myself in Him (Psalm 37:4) and to add all the treasures I need to my life, IF I seek His Kingdom first (Matthew 6:33-34). So, I am waiting on Him. I have good, patient days and I have rough, flesh-battling days, but the former outnumber the latter, which is a blessing. I’m trusting in God because He has my best in mind. Ms. EV |
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