People sometimes think I am a grumpy person. I try not to be, but I know that I can have a very challenging personality. This is in part because I am an introvert and many times I am thinking about the issues in my life, having discourse with God or myself in my head, working through situations constantly. So, as the internal reflection takes place, the external result is that it looks like I am sad, annoyed, worried, or just plain mad. (I have never been able to hide what I am thinking; my face gives me away every time). During that time, I need to work through whatever it is that is going on in my head before I can interact with people fully. Therefore, if someone interrupts my process, they might see behaviors that would incline them to label me as aloof, arrogant, or antisocial. At least, those are the ones people have said to my face.
I am giving this explanation because lately there has been a shift in my focus. Rather than focusing on what I do not have or have not done, I am trying my best, with God’s help, to pursue my dreams. Not the ones that I thought I would do to get everyone’s attention, affection, and acclamation, but the ones that God gave me for His glory. Focusing on writing and singing for the glory of the Lord is taking up so much of my reflective process that I do not have time to focus on the instability of my career or the fact that I do not have the family I envisioned I would have at this point in my life. And, people are noticing a shift in my personality. It is somewhat embarrassing when people are scared because you are smiling. But, like the old song says, “Something on the inside is working on the outside; I feel a change in my life.” Am I perpetually joyful now as I pursue my dreams? Joyful, probably; happy-go-lucky and walking on rainbows, not so much. But, I am learning what the psalmist in Psalm 37 meant when he wrote, “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” I thought it meant pray, go to church and pay your tithes and you will get what you want. It means become so wrapped up in God that His desires for your life become yours. I still do not have a clue what God wants me to do as a writer and a singer, but, with each open door (and closed door), I am excited about the possibilities. God places dreams in our hearts; we can ignore them and pursue what we think we want or we can live the life He has planned for us. I promise when you do the former, you will always feel like something is missing. You may even project what you feel is missing on to other areas of your life: relationships, career, finances, etc. However, when you keep the dream alive, when you know in your spirit that you are living in God’s Will for your life, the concern, the worry, the emptiness dissipates and contentment sets in and you can ride the waves and go with the flow. Ms. EV
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