Last week, I read a devotion that talked about the woman with the issue of blood who was healed by Jesus. The devotion posed the question about what readers thought happened to the woman after she met Jesus. In response, I said that I think it may have taken her some time to live freely in her new, healed and whole condition. This woman suffered for twelve years. She was seen as unclean. No one could help her; people took advantage of her. She just wanted to get her secret blessing by touching Jesus’ hem and go on with her life. Then, Jesus called her out and reassured her that He knew her plight and that she was now whole. I am confident that she was grateful and I am sure she told her testimony to anyone who would listen; it is just that I know in my life that there have been many times when God has delivered me from afflictions--emotional, spiritual, physical and financial--yet, it takes a little while to adjust to the new found freedom.

When my marriage began to crumble, which was almost as quickly as it began, I tried to make it work because I was afraid to look like a failure. I stayed and I tried not because I loved him, not because I made a promise before God and a church full of people, but because I was afraid of what other people would say about me. I had somewhat isolated myself from people who cared deeply for me. I had taken my husband’s side on many issues where I knew he was dead wrong to the detriment of some of my relationships, but I thought I was being a good wife. And, I felt that if I was a good enough wife, eventually, he would change and we would change, and it would become a decent marriage. That was not the case.

When I decided that the marriage was over, my ex-brother-in-law told me that I was a sinner and that divorce was a sin for which I could not repent. At the time, I acted as if his words meant nothing to me and I pressed forward with the divorce, and with good reasons, biblically-backed reasons (if you don’t know what that means, look it up in Matthew 5). Even though, I had a way out and I was delivered from one of the worst mistakes of my life, I felt damaged. How could I make being divorced right with God? I went from feeling damaged to acting destructively. No one on the outside world knew because I am a fantastic actress, but I had been broken for so long that I did not think the pieces would ever come back together again, and that is a dangerous place to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Eventually, after having my heart broken on more than one occasion, I realized that God had restored me, but I was still living as though I was a reject. No one who is a child of God is a reject. God helped me realize how much He cares for me. He helped me reclaim my title as a holy princess, the daughter of the Almighty King. Then, I was able to fully engage in life. Yes, there have been ups and downs in my life, but I know my value. No matter what situation arises my value to my Father and myself does not change. I am undamaged.

Many times when we have been suffering or afflicted for a long time with some situation, whether it is health-related, heart-related or wealth-related, we have a tendency to continue to live as though we are damaged, even though we have been delivered. However, once we realize that we are His and His love starts to flow from within us, so that we can accept who He made us to be, and not give any thought to what others may think of our past, our present, or future, we cannot help but shout of His love from whatever platform we may have. I AM NOT DAMAGED! I AM NOT SHATTERED! I AM NOT UNDERVALUED! I AM DELIVERED! I AM REDEEMED! I AM LOVED! Ms. EV

Okay, so it usually isn’t so grammatically correct, it usually goes more like, “God don’t like ugly.” You know, when someone is not giving you your way, “God don’t like ugly.” When someone who has been rude gets their just desserts, “God don’t like ugly.” When you were a little kid, being a brat and your parent warned you, “God don’t like ugly.” But, the other day, I was reading about Leah in the Bible, and I started to question whether or not this statement, “God don’t like ugly,” that we throw around as gospel is really true.

I have no idea what Leah looked like as there were no cameras or sketch artists back then. All I know is that every time I hear about Leah, she just wasn’t as attractive as Rachel (at least, not to Jacob). And, she must not have been to her father either, as Laban, under darkness of night, passed her off as her sister, Rachel to Jacob. I’m not sure what Leah thought of it whether she was grateful to her father for helping her get a man or whether she felt deeply insecure that her father had to trick a man into marrying her. Imagine waking up from your honeymoon night, and your new husband says, “Seriously, Laban! What the heck? I didn’t want this one! I want the pretty one! I’ll work another seven years for Rachel.” Okay, so maybe I took a little creative license there, but you get the gist.

Amazingly, and this is not a man-bashing statement just the truth of what  actually happened, Jacob loved Rachel so much more, but had no problem having babies with her sister, Leah. Many people would say, “Well, that’s just how they did things back then.” True enough, but notice how Leah kept having Jacob’s babies hoping that he would love her more than her barren sister. That is something that still happens today. We, yes I am including myself, sometimes throw ourselves at men who do not want us, and give them all our goodies (whether we are trying to get pregnant or not), in the hopes that they will fall in love. NEWSFLASH: It didn’t work for Leah and it still doesn’t work. You might get a baby, but that does not guarantee you will get your boo.

Back to the, “God don’t like ugly” statement. In The Message Bible, it says, “Leah had pretty eyes, but Rachel was stunningly beautiful.” It sounds like one of those compliments where you are searching for something nice to say. “Oh, your…hair is so cool.” “I really like your…dress.” “You are so…sweet.” Poor Leah, whether she actually was unattractive or not, she had to feel unappealing and we know she was unloved because the Bible says that is why God opened her womb. Now, here is the great part, not only did God open her womb, but He used her wounds, the ugly part of her life; having children for a man that would never love her. Leah had Reuben, Simeon, Levi and Judah. All of those names should sound familiar, but the last one, Judah, which means Praise God, is the line from which Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior came.

Outer beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If you ask ten people what beauty is, you will get ten different answers. I know that most of the time when we say, “God don’t like ugly,” we are referring to behavior. But, whether you feel unpleasant on the outside, or you are in a situation that is ugly, even if you cause the situation, God can still make something beautiful out of the situation when you surrender to His Will. God doesn’t like ugly behavior, especially if it is malicious, but He can and will use it for His glory. There are many examples of that throughout the Bible. Ms. EV

I have a hard time sometimes finding a happy medium between two characteristics. I have, and still do sometimes, find it complicated to find the place between pride and insecurity. When I was younger, I did not feel very pretty (although, looking back, I was pretty cute; I just had no fashion sense). As I got older, the pendulum swung way too hard to the other side, as I began really feeling myself to the point of conceit. Eventually, there was a medium that naturally occurred and resulted in confidence that I am who God made me to be. I embraced my looks, my shape, my hair, and all of the other characteristics that bothered me as a child, but I did not expect everyone to recognize how fly (do we still use this word) I am and fall all over me.

I have come to realize that it was never really about my looks per se, it is about my love for attention. I am not sure when I developed the affinity for attention, but being the center of attention often gives me an adrenaline rush that is very gratifying. The problem is that, at a certain point, I started to rely on the natural high that getting attention gives, so rather than complete tasks because it is something that I love that God has led me to do, I would achieve for applause. Realizing that I have a tendency to follow this pattern has caused me to be extremely cautious when I take on a new venture. I have to really pray and look within to determine whether I am taking a course of action because God told me to or because it will give me a chance to impress people. So, when someone does try to recognize an accomplishment; it becomes very difficult for me to take the compliment because I do not want to get caught up in the praise; I just want to stay on the path for my purpose.

It feels good to be recognized, but that should not be our only motivation for working hard. While we do not want to have people give us praise that belongs to God, we should also give them the opportunity to praise God for what He does in and through us. Humility and insecurity are not one in the same. We have to stay humble while allowing God to use others to propel us to the heights that He has for us. I am really talking to myself here, but I have a feeling that I am not the only person who has this struggle. God wants to do great things through us, and, to that end, He has given each of us a specific purpose and design. We have to find the place between pride and insecurity that allows us to reach our greatest potential, so that through our success, God can receive the glory. Ms. EV