Now, that I have your attention. It is not what you think, so stop judging. I didn’t secretly get married, I don’t have a baby daddy and I didn’t get artificially inseminated. It is an immaculate conception of sorts; a great expectation. Within me, there is a dream. And the longer it takes for that dream to be realized, the larger my expectations become. I have become enlarged in waiting. Though, the devil would like to use this waiting to attack my relationship with God, His love for me and mine for Him, our relationship is not diminished by the wait. In fact, our relationship grows deeper due to the wait. I cannot see what God has planned for my life, but my hope is in Him.
Like a mother waiting to give birth, I have good days and bad days. Some days, I feel beautiful and glowing and some days, I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person in front of me. Some days, I see the dream within as an awesome miracle, and some days, I feel that this dream within is a burden that I’m not sure I can bear. Some days, I have incredible energy and some days, I feel like I can’t go on any longer. Nevertheless, with each day that passes, though my flesh may break down, my spirit becomes stronger. My faith is stronger. My love for God is stronger. I can’t see what He is doing, but I know that He is in control and I just want to be used by Him. And, when the day of deliverance comes, my waiting will only increase my joy. Ms. EV These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy. Romans 8:23-25 (MSG)
0 Comments
I am writing this for me, and I pray that it inspires someone else. I used to say that I am not good at waiting, in fact, I am sure that I have said it on this blog at least once, but I read Psalm 62:5 today and it gave me a different perspective. In The Message, it reads, “God, the one and only—I'll wait as long as He says. Everything I hope for comes from Him, so why not?” I guess in the past few years I have adopted this attitude. It is not that I am not good at waiting because I am most definitely waiting on God; it is that waiting is not easy. There is a song that says, “I don’t mind waiting on You, Lord,” and every time our minister of music wants us to sing it, I tell him I don’t feel comfortable saying that because I am not sure that I don’t mind waiting. I know that I will wait, but I am a human being, and sometimes waiting for things that do not seem to go against the Will of God is difficult.
But, this psalm says that everything we hope for comes from God, so why not wait for as long as He says. If I go out and get the relationship I want, but it does not come from God, will it sustain? Will it be satisfying? If I try to force my career path in a direction that seems to be what I want, but it is not in God’s timing, will it be frustrating? Will it be fulfilling? I do not know the answers to these questions, but I know that whatever God gives me, He adds no sorrow to it (Proverbs 10:22). So, if I wait on God, who is the Source of everything I could hope for and so much more, I will have exactly what I want and need, and I will not have to question whether it is right or whether the time is right. Even though waiting is not ideal in our fast-paced, instant-gratification society, waiting on God is so worth it. Ms. EV How can you put a timetable on the Father of time? When I was younger, I had my whole life planned out. I would finish high school, and then go to college, hopefully graduating early, so that I could go to law school and be finished before I was 24. Then, I would get married and have my first child by 25, so that I could have the other one or two before I turned 30 and there would be at least two years in between them. I would, of course, be doing all of this, while becoming a highly sought-after corporate attorney and the best wife ever. Well, I graduated from high school on time and from college a year early. But, I filled both experiences with so much pressure to be perfect and so many extra activities that, by the time I graduated from college, I was EXHAUSTED.
I told my parents that I wanted to come back home and work for a year before I went back to school and they were very receptive to the idea. That still would allow me to graduate law school by 24 and continue on my timetable. Then, I met my ex-husband. I had already been accepted to law school, but the relationship was going so well, and he wanted to marry me, so I didn’t want to leave for law school until after we had a proper courtship and marriage. This was not exactly part of my plan, but still fit in the plan. You see, by getting married, I was ensuring that I would have a husband, so we could start having babies as soon as I graduated. Actually, as time went on, we planned that we would start trying to get pregnant during my third year, so that I could have the baby as close to my graduation date as possible, so, I could stay home until they were old enough for daycare, and then find a job. That didn’t exactly go as planned since I got divorced after my first year of law school. Then, I realized I didn’t want to be a lawyer. My whole plan and my timetable went out the window. So, for the next five years, I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do and who I was supposed to be. All the while, I was thinking that I had to have a child by the time I was 30. Then, I turned 30, and while I found a career that I love and had a boyfriend, I still felt pressured to be married and have a child. Then, in the last few years, I have been single and dateless and my job has become less satisfying, so once again, I started searching for or what I am supposed to be. Now, though, I know that I can only find that answer by seeking God’s face. When I think about my crazy timetables and the pressure that I brought on myself, it all feels so ridiculous. I was accomplishing and achieving, and even, envied, but I was also anxious, aggravated and exhausted. All God wants me to be is His forever, and since He has forever, who am I to try to plan a good time for things in my life? He has a reason for every season. The old fable of the tortoise and the hare teaches that, “Slow and steady wins the race.” So even, when my life seems to be moving in slow motion, I have to know that if am obedient and walk in His Will and His Way, everything that happens in my life is on time. Today is the first day of spring, a time for new beginnings. The cool weather is gone (well, it’s been gone for awhile because I live in the south, but work with me), the days are longer, and there is a freshness in the air. This is supposed to be the season of love and romance. Christmas and Valentine’s Day are over so potential partners can stop ducking each other now in hopes of not having to buy gifts for one another. True love can be pursued without those pesky, obligatory gift-giving holidays getting in the way or causing unnecessary stress and strife. I remember in the movie Bambi, all of the little animals getting excited for spring and trying to resist the urges of “twitterpation.” Nevertheless, each of them fell, one by one, hopelessly in love with a creature of the fairer sex--even the skunk. It is season in which people start to feel hopeful that broken hearts will be healed and empty hearts will be filled. It is a season of renewal.
But what happens if this season fails to meet expectations? Last spring, I was in a pretty good place. I had just finished a huge event with rave reviews and I was settling in to my spring break. I had done my spring cleaning, and then, the phone rang. It was my ex wanting to know if he could come by for a visit. We hadn’t really talked in almost a year prior to that, but since he was down the street, I thought, “Why not? Maybe this is it. Maybe this time will be different. Maybe he finally realizes that his life is better with me rather than without me.” Well, since we all know I am still single, it should be clear that is not what happened. In fact, what did happen was the unexpected closure of that little piece of my heart that still wanted the relationship. It was a little piece of my heart that I didn’t even know still existed until he called. I thought I was about to get the beginning of my happy ending. It was spring for goodness sakes! There was a new beginning, though, a beginning where I was free from old feelings and holding on to a relationship that was not what God had planned for me. The good news is that my faith is not in a season. I am still hopeful that my heart can heal from any wound and that any empty spaces there will be filled because I know that God alone can heal and fill. He is the Father of seasons, not just winter spring, summer and fall, but all of the seasons of our lives. He has ordained the trials and the triumphs. So, rather than throw myself at someone for the sake of not being alone, I want to be so full of Christ that I can’t help but pour love out on others. Do I still get lonely? You bet. I am not a robot; I am a real, flesh and blood, woman. However, I know that I am never alone and I know that the new seasons in my life are not associated with a date that man can predict; they are set by the Father of time. He is never late. He can never fail. He is always in season. Ms. EV It is not a secret that waiting is not something that I am particularly fond of doing. Yet, I do wait. I know what it is like to take matters into my own hands and try to “help God” when it seems like He’s taking too long to give me what I want. In my life, the results were disastrous, a failed marriage riddled with infidelity and cruelty, and those things were not one-sided. I made a choice to move forward with my plan of marriage to the person I assumed would be the last person to ever ask me for my hand. Surely, God’s will was that I not be alone and that I marry rather than burn with lustful desires. Surely, God wanted me to be someone’s help meet. But, what was taking Him so long? I had already graduated from college and started working towards my career goals. Pretty soon, I would be old, unwanted and barren. After all, I was 21. Yes, you read that right. I was 21 and I felt like I was destined for spinsterhood if I did not marry immediately. I had only had two real boyfriends and they were hard to come by, so the chances of having someone else love me enough to marry me were slim to none. I imagine that this is what Sarah felt like when she decided to have Abraham bear a child with Hagar. She knew the promise, but felt like God needed her help to make it happen.
As I write it, it seems so ridiculous; especially, now that I am 34 and divorced with no children. Now, would be the time for the “you’re never going to have kids” panic attack. And, I’m not going to lie and say I don’t get those on occasion. Nonetheless, God has been so faithful in fulfilling His promises in my life, and, as I have grown in Him, I have come to realize that the best thing to do is wait on Him. Everything God does is purposeful, in His timing and for my own good. He is also so merciful, that everything I do to “try to help” is turned into a blessing, just like He did for Sarah and Hagar. In the case of my failed marriage, it serves as a reminder to wait on God no matter how hard that can be. The situation also drew me closer to God into the most intimate and fulfilling relationship I will ever have. So, now I’m cured! I don’t want a husband or kids! NOT! I still have those desires, which lets me know that in His time, they will be fulfilled because He promised to give me the desires of my heart, IF I delight myself in Him (Psalm 37:4) and to add all the treasures I need to my life, IF I seek His Kingdom first (Matthew 6:33-34). So, I am waiting on Him. I have good, patient days and I have rough, flesh-battling days, but the former outnumber the latter, which is a blessing. I’m trusting in God because He has my best in mind. Ms. EV |
About Ms. EVWhen you have elevated values, it is not about being snobby; it is about living victoriously! Archives
March 2016
Categories
All
Copyright Notice© Toni L. Wortherly and Ms. EV's Blog, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Toni Wortherly and Ms. EV's Blog with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Ms. EV's Blog by Toni L. Wortherly is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License. |